[ dean lingers, eyes falling to the bottle again at the mention of it being strong. he can handle strong, it's the only type he enjoys drinking, anyway. then he's looking at cas again, watching him get down onto the mattress. ]
Since you've drained half the bottle, I'm gonna take your word on that.
[ he steps to the mattress then, shrugs off his jacket as well and settles down next to the other man... his shoulder brushes with cas', dean leaning back against the wall with a quiet sigh. this is nice, just being here without anything hectic to worry about for once. he twists the cap off his bottle a moment later, and then brings it to his mouth.
it actually is really good, and he makes a quiet pleased sound to confirm as much. ]
[ It's not as if he cares elaborate enough on the point of having drank half his bottle already, so he shrugs once in reply. He also watches him discard his jacket and sit--all purposeful movements that hardly give anything away as to what it is he might be thinking. Castiel's used to it, however, and he tilts his head to the opposite side - away from Dean - to hide the smile that slips across his face with the sound he makes when he drinks.
He takes another sip himself and sags against the wall, into the solid presence of the other man's side. There's a slight hum of acknowledgement though. ]
And yet, I'm wasting it on you. [ He laughs. ] We can make it up to him later.
[ dean just huffs a quiet sound at the idea of making it up to sam. fuck that, if he's not here, then he's missing out and that's it. dean takes another long drink from the bottle, the burn of alcohol nice as it goes down his throat. and it's true what cas had said about it being strong, he can feel the way it's easing tension from his muscles... ]
[ There's only a quiet shake of his head at the question. As if he'd really make the effort to waste it on anyone else anyway; that much he shouldn't have to say. He sits for a while after that, drinking and glancing around the room. There's hardly any light filtering through the windows now, and one of them should get up to light the candles that had been strategically placed around the room to provide enough light so they weren't tripping over themselves or things in the dark. But--
But Castiel doesn't move. He only swallows another mouthful of alcohol. ]
Slowly. [ A pause, and then, he looks at Dean carefully. ] Most people wouldn't bother staying somewhere like this until it was... better suited for living.
[ They're not like most people, he knows. He doesn't have to say that either. ]
[ the darkness isn't a bad thing, not when dean knows it doesn't hold any immediate dangers like it would back home. here it's comforting, brings out a new buzz in town and a calmer feeling into their new home. that, and this new, growing friendship between them is almost comforting, something he can secretly let himself enjoy as they sit in the slowly darker growing room.
the careful look is met with one of his own, and dean shrugs a beat, eyes then settling on the window. ]
Most people don't come from a world like ours.
[ even if their camp had been nicer, it had only been so by a little. and this was still a work in progress, it would be great once they were done with it. ]
[ He's come to accept that, sometimes, the path of least resistance isn't always the easiest, but in moments like this, he can almost appreciate them. He appreciates the dark, the liquor in hand and the presence of his friend beside him. It's almost better than home, though he's still at a loss as to where any of this is going. What it's supposed to mean, after all this time. ]
I like it too.
[ And it's the only thing he says for some time too, swallowing several more mouthfuls and leaning even further against Dean. He might just be on the side of really drunk but not quite blitzed. It makes his limbs loose, and oh so casually, he drops a hand against Dean's thigh as he shifts to sit up a bit.
[ his immediate answer is no. it won't last, something will happen-- something horrible most likely, which will ruin everything. but it's not happening right now which is the point, and dean's not gonna live waiting for the other shoe to drop either.
so he ends up shrugging some, leaning into cas as well. ]
I don't know. [ who even knows with this place, right?
another pause of silence follows, dean not letting thoughts of how or when everything will get ruined into his head. instead, sometime later he huffs a quiet amused sound. ]
We're durable. We'll find someplace different if this fails.
[ together.
it's awfully hopeful of him in a way, but he's just feeling good. ]
[ Even before he'd asked, he knew the answer. He knows it won't. Nothing ever does, not for them, and it's naive to think that a place like this could keep them together. Camp hadn't done that. Their own world had seen to it that they became inevitable strangers despite staying in close proximity. Now... They sit side by side and breathe the same air, think the same thoughts.
They're a good team, he realizes suddenly. ]
I suppose that is one word for it.
[ It's an absent answer, hating to consider them in terms so absolute. They're durable because they've had no choice to be any other way. Castiel empties the rest of his bottle and tosses it to the side, letting the quiet rise up between them when something eventually overtakes him. He feels... oddly talkative, and he slides his hand a little further up Dean's thigh to get a better hold, shifting his weight there so he can lean around to stare at him.
Almost entirely dark now, he has to get extremely close to look--almost nose-to-nose again. ]
You've changed. [ Which is saying a lot considering the last time this had come up, and Castiel's eyes are a bit wide, like he actually sees what it is he's telling him. ]
[ dean thinks durable is perfect for them. the only way they'll stop is if they die.
cas finishing his bottle get a look but no comment, not while dean just sips on his, slowly working on emptying its contents.
the other man's touch is one thing, and him leaning closer another, and dean's about to say something of it, to shake cas off when he says dean's changed. it stills him then, has him holding his breath for a moment. he tries his best to understand the words, but what he ends up getting from them might not be what cas intended. exhale, and he leans back into the wall, the smile on his face twisting into something wry.
there's a tone of loathing lingering in his words when he finally speaks. ]
For the worse, right? I know.
[ because there is no other direction for him to change, not anymore. and he'd rather not talk about it, not if it might end with comparing himself to his other-self, the better one. ]
[ A frown immediately finds its way to his face, and he spends several long seconds only looking at him in a way that's not entirely strange to either of them. Seeing him, really seeing him, in this newer light is odd, and Castiel doesn't think now is an appropriate time to address it since he's so mellow from the booze. But it's all they have.
He shakes his head and follows Dean when he feels him retreat, their noses accidentally bumping when he goes too far. There's an indignant breath, hardly thinking anything of it. ]
It's not worse, Dean. It's... [ He searches for the word, quiet in the dark. ] It's good. You're trying, and you-- Your assumption couldn't possibly be any further from the truth.
[ He takes a moment to think about that, unconsciously curling his fingers a little so that his nails dig into Dean's thigh. What he says next is spoken like a secret, soft and sad and a little disjointed. ] I've changed too.
[ dean isn't looking at cas really, is losing himself inside his own head with the thoughts that are bubbling up. he's changed, he must be worse-- he'd gotten sam killed after all, had tricked his brother and tortured lucifer. he'd been a monster before but now-- what is he now?
except then cas is right there, dean's breathing stopping once more as he feels the other man's nose bump against his. the words-- they're wrong, not what he was expecting to hear at all, if he's honest. and dean doesn't know what to do with them. he's quiet for a long time, and then finally moves his free hand, brings it up to the side of cas' neck, fingers light over where he knows bruises still mark his friend's skin. he holds his hand there, partly to keep cas from leaning closer, and partly as a silent thank you.
his voice is quiet, unsure, matching cas'. ]
...How can you say that.
[ he looks at him, really looks at him before offering up; ]
[ He knows when he stops breathing, holds his breath, and Castiel does as well, expecting to be shoved back, pushed away so there's all that space between them again. Yet, when Dean's hand comes up to the side of his neck, his pulse feels erratic, and it's like his head is swimming. He's touching those bruises, touching him, and surely he most know what that means. To give him that much trust--
It makes him nervous. ]
Because I know you. I know what you're capable of. [ Even now, he's never lost that faith in him. It's a solid declaration despite the way he continues to press forward a little. Dean's hand stops him, but they're already so close it doesn't seem like it matters. ] I...
This isn't better. I could never be better like this. [ Not after the things he's done. ]
[ dean's not entirely sure why he lets cas be this close, when something like this became okay. but here they are, dean's hand on cas while the other man inches even closer and dean is starting to wonder if there might be something inevitable happening here, something big. an inch maybe of space left, and he can feel those words as cas whispers them.
whatever was in that alcohol-- it was strong, making his skin feel hot and this be alright. ]
If I'm better, then so are you.
[ it's as simple as that. cas has always been good, despite what the world has turned them into. yes, he'd been drugged up more often than not, had slept with anything that had two legs, but he's also always been by dean's side, and he's finally starting to see that.
he smiles some, even if only slightly. ]
Unlike the other one, you've stood by my side even here. I can't ask for more.
[ He can't keep still anymore--not with those words and certainly not with that hand settling warm on his neck. The alcohol is burning its way through him now, and with the dark comes the realization that they're alone like this. That... something isn't exactly right even if he feels it might be. Castiel can't see much of him anymore, not with the shadows filtering across the room, so he lifts his free hand to find Dean's face. The edge of his thumb drags along skin, the edge of his jaw maybe. The line of his cheekbone. ]
You can't compare yourself to me. I'm not speaking of loyalty, Dean.
[ And he feels sick. Sick enough that he turns his face away and leans to rest his forehead against Dean's shoulder. He very suddenly wants to lie down and stretch out, this conversation odd and their proximity odder. Castiel thinks he might want--
The hand on his thigh gently slides up, further until he's gripping the hem of Dean's shirt in a light hold. He doesn't know whether he does it to keep him there or to anchor himself to reality. The liquor seems to be really kicking in. ]
If I could give you more, you wouldn't have to ask for it. [ It's mumbled under his breath, hot against the fabric of Dean's clothes. ]
[ it feels like something changes. dean feels the pad of cas' thumb on the side of his face, feeling and mapping out the planes. he keeps still though, only watches what little he can see of cas from the little light there might be left. ]
Then what're you talking about?
[ it's sudden how cas is inches from him and then isn't. how there's pressure against his shoulder where the other man presses his face, and dean stills again. it's an odd position, but then everything has been odd since cas decided that they needed to celebrate, since they settled down onto the mattress. ]
You've given me enough.
[ his loyalty, his life. and dean has fucked both over more times than he cares to remember. ]
And I wouldn't ask. Not when things are good the way they are, finally. [ he has sam again, they're all alive and well. sure, lucifer still lingers but this is the best it's been in months. ]
[ It's a hollow confession because it's like he's lying to Dean and himself all at once. Knowing what he knows and not saying it-- Castiel doesn't believe he has it in him to ruin this moment. Perhaps he could convince himself to do it later, to explain later just how untrue everything is. An uncontrolled shiver runs down his spine, and when he breathes, he can smell the liquor.
He's drunk. And this is bad. So, so bad. ]
Do you really believe it's good like this?
[ Castiel's pulled back to say it, grabbing onto Dean to keep himself steady and the room from spinning. He tips forward then and just clutches at him, rests their foreheads together like he had after they'd fought with each other. It's very grounding and maybe a little uncomfortable. ] Do you... believe we're good like this?
[ Hot and cold. Close and distanced. Everything they shouldn't be. ]
[ dean isn't surprised to feel cas' forehead against his own, not this time. instead, he simply closes his eyes, exhales with a sigh before speaking up. ]
We're better.
[ better than they've been in a while. dean regrets hurting cas, for so blindly letting the anger wash over him when castiel had mentioned his failure to keep sam safe the first time. but maybe things won't have to be like that anymore, maybe this is a new shot for them too, for their friendship.
a clean slate.
dean can't promise that he won't lose it again, that all will remain peaceful, but for now he can whisper the words that sit at the tip of his tongue without having to think about it too much. ]
And I'm glad for it.
[ they're on the same page, he feels like. they have an understanding between them. ]
[ He can't find it in himself to agree with that. They're different, changed, but not necessarily better. At least, Castiel doesn't feel that he himself is better. How could he be when - by Dean's side or not - there had been more to him before the start of all this? ]
I...
[ Castiel turns his head just the slightest, a movement that's not quite a shake of his head, and for that brief moment, their noses bump and rub. He can feel Dean's breath when he exhales, feels the tension in his own hand as his fingers curl tighter into his shirt. This angle is awkward, and his own weight is beginning to hurt him pressed close like this. So, he moves again. Just a little, enough to ease up the pressure on his joints, and it's almost as if he's pinning Dean to the wall with his shoulder.
If it were anyone else, he might have straddled their legs. Sat face to face with them. But they are already crossing so many lines, erasing boundaries and getting closer. He can't risk it knowing what he wants to say now. ]
There's something I need to tell you. [ Finally forced out, and it's only a low whisper, anticipation settling in his gut. He's not nervous. He's afraid, but the alcohol warms him deep and loosens his tongue. ] But I don't know how.
[ something is off. the feeling is only a small, budding one, which dean forces away. cas is drunk and most likely on the verge of rambling about something he considers serious but isn't. he's done it before, talk about them, their situation, something that dean would just brush off. he's tempted to consider the same again, to tell cas to not worry about it.
but then there's those few choice words -- there's something i need to tell you -- which has him tense no matter how close cas is or how he might be pinning dean to the wall.
dean's hand finds cas' shoulder, another steady reminder for the other man to not come closer, not right now. then, he finally breathes out the question; ]
What is it?
[ he knows that tone though, knows something is up when cas whispers like that. it makes the tension in his gut grow no matter how much he tries to deny it, chases away the soothing warmth of the alcohol. ]
[ It's edging on dangerous now, and with Dean's hand to insist he not come any closer, Castiel knows he's going to ruin it. He's going to say something that's wrong, something he's kept quiet for over a week. A secret that could end them, end whatever this is starting to become and prove how useless he really is. It's settling in his mouth though, words heavy as he tries to breathe and find the right words. ]
I couldn't kill him. [ And it's like a release, eyes cast somewhere away from Dean as he remembers running into Lucifer, remembers considering the alternatives and consequences of his actions. ] I wanted to, but I couldn't. I'm no better if I can't do what has to be done.
[ He's rambling at this point, shaking a little. His fingers curl tighter and hold onto him, refusing to be thrust away if it sounds like what it is. He'd failed. Again. This is worse than when Lucifer had snapped his neck; at least he'd known what might have happened. But as he's told Dean, thing are changing, countless things he can't possibly keep up with. And this is why he hates getting drunk sometimes, truthful to a fault and run down into memories he doesn't want to think about. It's worse than pills, worse than anything he's ever know.
Castiel sits back then, head down. ]
I'm not strong like you. [ He's given into so many vices, has fallen so utterly low. He's betrayed the one person he'd never wanted to let down, and it hurts. ]
dean's not entirely sure what to do with those words. what they mean. who had cas not been able to kill? there's the obvious answer in his head, but cas hasn't mentioned so much as seeing that monster in the few past weeks, so dean resists the urge to even ask. cas would have said something, he would have told dean.
and he needs to hear the name before he can react, he's trying to not jump to conclusions here, trying to better himself like cas had said he's been doing--
but the need to know is becoming something dangerous. ]
What're you talking about.
[ his entire body is tense now, waiting to snap, waiting for words he doesn't want to hear. ]
Castiel should have known better. He should have told him when they were locked in that refrigerator, when the memory was fresh. He desperately hopes Dean will understand when he says it, when he explains, but given the hard tension that's filtering between them, he doesn't think it's going to go in that particular direction. Yet, should have is far different than didn't, and he sits on it, on those words as he goes impossibly still. Perhaps he could brush it off, but his body has other plans, moving back in so that he really is pressing the other man into the wall with his weight. He uncurls his fingers to cup Dean's face with both hands, holding him still and steady despite the tremor in his arms.
For those few seconds, he's close enough to kiss him. ]
Lucifer.
[ It's mostly a slur, mumbled right against Dean's ear, and then, not thinking, he presses his lips to his cheek in some parting gesture that begs forgiveness. Castiel hovers for a second, breath caught, but he's pushing himself back again before he can offer more--if it's current or a general feeling of failure. He doesn't tell Dean he knows about the torture, he doesn't tell him anything else. Instead, limbs a bit heavy, he tries to run away. ]
[ he thinks, for a breath, that it's a joke. it has to be, he's not entirely sure when this went from being a celebration between two friends to cas confessing that he hadn't been able to do the one thing dean's been trying to do for years. and had apparently had the chance to, as well. it's so conflicting, the press of cas against him to the mouth which finds his cheek, to the words that come out and how quickly cas is trying to escape then-- and it's that if nothing else, which spells out the fact that this isn't a joke.
cas never runs from him.
dean doesn't let him get far. cas is all but on him, and it takes little to reach onto something, to grab his friend back, to make sure he doesn't go stumbling off. ]
What are you talking about?
[ he needs to know. when had cas seen lucifer? when had he had a chance to kill him-- why the fuck didn't he? there's confusion, pure and simple on dean's face, etched into features which are trying to understand and failing. despite knowing the answer, he looks at cas again, and then demands; ]
If this is some stupid fuckin' joke, Cas, you need to-- stop.
[ He's not sure, either, and it pains him to ruin this nice thing they have going, that his idea of a celebration is telling his oh so fearless leader that he couldn't being himself to drive Lucifer to his death. He'd had the chance, and it had slipped right through his fingers because he was weak. Because he wasn't strong like Dean, couldn't lift a hand against one of his brothers when it had been their only goal in years. Castiel shudders when he grabs at him and stops him from stumbling over himself, tripping off the mattress and out the door.
He's stuck. He's screwed. ]
It's not a joke. I... [ He doesn't look at him. ] I saw him in that city, Dean. He was human, and he told me-- You tortured him.
[ It's not accusatory, more like a question he can't seem to fathom. Castiel turns back to him, trying to twist away from the hold the other man has on him. He can't do this so close, but he wants him to understand. It's the desperation that drives him, that pulls him back so that he's on his knees and grabbing at Dean's shoulders. He's thankful for the bed, that it's not as hard as the floor, but... He hardly thinks he deserves it.
Carefully, he licks at his bottom lip and draws in a breath. He's far too drunk to be having this conversation. ]
Why didn't you say something? I could have helped you. [ Or does he really think him that useless? ]
[ so right after they'd been transported to the new town. lucifer had been human when dean and his other-self had tortured him, had stopped healing and he'd been so close, so damn close to killing the devil that to hear cas had the chance to? the one person he'd trusted to carry on the mission if dean failed but hadn't done so?
dean has no idea what to do with that information, to hear it like this. ]
You saw him. As a human-- in the city. And you didn't kill him?
[ just so he's getting this right. dean stares at cas with that, the words slow and leaving him with an unsatisfied look on his face. never mind that cas knows about the torture, it hadn't been a secret. no, he hadn't mentioned it to cas or involved him, but he doesn't care that he knows-- that's hardly the point here, to begin with.
there are hands at his shoulders as dean snaps. ]
You let him go? You-- [ you could have ended this.
dean shoves him, hard. the wall behind his back is suddenly too close, as is cas, the room they're in small-- tight, too tight. and he doesn't like this, doesn't like how the alcohol had easily burned through his shields, left him feeling calm and soft. it had been the perfect chance for cas to do this, to wound him. and dean feels the words exactly for what they are; a betrayal.
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no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 03:06 am (UTC)Since you've drained half the bottle, I'm gonna take your word on that.
[ he steps to the mattress then, shrugs off his jacket as well and settles down next to the other man... his shoulder brushes with cas', dean leaning back against the wall with a quiet sigh. this is nice, just being here without anything hectic to worry about for once. he twists the cap off his bottle a moment later, and then brings it to his mouth.
it actually is really good, and he makes a quiet pleased sound to confirm as much. ]
Wasting this on Sam would be a shame.
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Date: 2014-03-09 04:03 am (UTC)He takes another sip himself and sags against the wall, into the solid presence of the other man's side. There's a slight hum of acknowledgement though. ]
And yet, I'm wasting it on you. [ He laughs. ] We can make it up to him later.
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Date: 2014-03-09 04:25 am (UTC)You have anyone else to waste it on?
[ dean just huffs a quiet sound at the idea of making it up to sam. fuck that, if he's not here, then he's missing out and that's it. dean takes another long drink from the bottle, the burn of alcohol nice as it goes down his throat. and it's true what cas had said about it being strong, he can feel the way it's easing tension from his muscles... ]
This place is coming along.
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Date: 2014-03-09 04:40 am (UTC)But Castiel doesn't move. He only swallows another mouthful of alcohol. ]
Slowly. [ A pause, and then, he looks at Dean carefully. ] Most people wouldn't bother staying somewhere like this until it was... better suited for living.
[ They're not like most people, he knows. He doesn't have to say that either. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 05:01 am (UTC)the careful look is met with one of his own, and dean shrugs a beat, eyes then settling on the window. ]
Most people don't come from a world like ours.
[ even if their camp had been nicer, it had only been so by a little. and this was still a work in progress, it would be great once they were done with it. ]
I like it. Even like this.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 05:14 am (UTC)I like it too.
[ And it's the only thing he says for some time too, swallowing several more mouthfuls and leaning even further against Dean. He might just be on the side of really drunk but not quite blitzed. It makes his limbs loose, and oh so casually, he drops a hand against Dean's thigh as he shifts to sit up a bit.
Softly: ] Do you think it will last?
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 05:23 am (UTC)so he ends up shrugging some, leaning into cas as well. ]
I don't know. [ who even knows with this place, right?
another pause of silence follows, dean not letting thoughts of how or when everything will get ruined into his head. instead, sometime later he huffs a quiet amused sound. ]
We're durable. We'll find someplace different if this fails.
[ together.
it's awfully hopeful of him in a way, but he's just feeling good. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 05:40 am (UTC)They're a good team, he realizes suddenly. ]
I suppose that is one word for it.
[ It's an absent answer, hating to consider them in terms so absolute. They're durable because they've had no choice to be any other way. Castiel empties the rest of his bottle and tosses it to the side, letting the quiet rise up between them when something eventually overtakes him. He feels... oddly talkative, and he slides his hand a little further up Dean's thigh to get a better hold, shifting his weight there so he can lean around to stare at him.
Almost entirely dark now, he has to get extremely close to look--almost nose-to-nose again. ]
You've changed. [ Which is saying a lot considering the last time this had come up, and Castiel's eyes are a bit wide, like he actually sees what it is he's telling him. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 05:53 am (UTC)cas finishing his bottle get a look but no comment, not while dean just sips on his, slowly working on emptying its contents.
the other man's touch is one thing, and him leaning closer another, and dean's about to say something of it, to shake cas off when he says dean's changed. it stills him then, has him holding his breath for a moment. he tries his best to understand the words, but what he ends up getting from them might not be what cas intended. exhale, and he leans back into the wall, the smile on his face twisting into something wry.
there's a tone of loathing lingering in his words when he finally speaks. ]
For the worse, right? I know.
[ because there is no other direction for him to change, not anymore. and he'd rather not talk about it, not if it might end with comparing himself to his other-self, the better one. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 06:18 am (UTC)He shakes his head and follows Dean when he feels him retreat, their noses accidentally bumping when he goes too far. There's an indignant breath, hardly thinking anything of it. ]
It's not worse, Dean. It's... [ He searches for the word, quiet in the dark. ] It's good. You're trying, and you-- Your assumption couldn't possibly be any further from the truth.
[ He takes a moment to think about that, unconsciously curling his fingers a little so that his nails dig into Dean's thigh. What he says next is spoken like a secret, soft and sad and a little disjointed. ] I've changed too.
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Date: 2014-03-09 06:31 am (UTC)except then cas is right there, dean's breathing stopping once more as he feels the other man's nose bump against his. the words-- they're wrong, not what he was expecting to hear at all, if he's honest. and dean doesn't know what to do with them. he's quiet for a long time, and then finally moves his free hand, brings it up to the side of cas' neck, fingers light over where he knows bruises still mark his friend's skin. he holds his hand there, partly to keep cas from leaning closer, and partly as a silent thank you.
his voice is quiet, unsure, matching cas'. ]
...How can you say that.
[ he looks at him, really looks at him before offering up; ]
For the better.
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Date: 2014-03-09 06:49 am (UTC)It makes him nervous. ]
Because I know you. I know what you're capable of. [ Even now, he's never lost that faith in him. It's a solid declaration despite the way he continues to press forward a little. Dean's hand stops him, but they're already so close it doesn't seem like it matters. ] I...
This isn't better. I could never be better like this. [ Not after the things he's done. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:12 am (UTC)whatever was in that alcohol-- it was strong, making his skin feel hot and this be alright. ]
If I'm better, then so are you.
[ it's as simple as that. cas has always been good, despite what the world has turned them into. yes, he'd been drugged up more often than not, had slept with anything that had two legs, but he's also always been by dean's side, and he's finally starting to see that.
he smiles some, even if only slightly. ]
Unlike the other one, you've stood by my side even here. I can't ask for more.
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Date: 2014-03-09 07:26 am (UTC)You can't compare yourself to me. I'm not speaking of loyalty, Dean.
[ And he feels sick. Sick enough that he turns his face away and leans to rest his forehead against Dean's shoulder. He very suddenly wants to lie down and stretch out, this conversation odd and their proximity odder. Castiel thinks he might want--
The hand on his thigh gently slides up, further until he's gripping the hem of Dean's shirt in a light hold. He doesn't know whether he does it to keep him there or to anchor himself to reality. The liquor seems to be really kicking in. ]
If I could give you more, you wouldn't have to ask for it. [ It's mumbled under his breath, hot against the fabric of Dean's clothes. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:39 am (UTC)Then what're you talking about?
[ it's sudden how cas is inches from him and then isn't. how there's pressure against his shoulder where the other man presses his face, and dean stills again. it's an odd position, but then everything has been odd since cas decided that they needed to celebrate, since they settled down onto the mattress. ]
You've given me enough.
[ his loyalty, his life. and dean has fucked both over more times than he cares to remember. ]
And I wouldn't ask. Not when things are good the way they are, finally. [ he has sam again, they're all alive and well. sure, lucifer still lingers but this is the best it's been in months. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 07:49 am (UTC)[ It's a hollow confession because it's like he's lying to Dean and himself all at once. Knowing what he knows and not saying it-- Castiel doesn't believe he has it in him to ruin this moment. Perhaps he could convince himself to do it later, to explain later just how untrue everything is. An uncontrolled shiver runs down his spine, and when he breathes, he can smell the liquor.
He's drunk. And this is bad. So, so bad. ]
Do you really believe it's good like this?
[ Castiel's pulled back to say it, grabbing onto Dean to keep himself steady and the room from spinning. He tips forward then and just clutches at him, rests their foreheads together like he had after they'd fought with each other. It's very grounding and maybe a little uncomfortable. ] Do you... believe we're good like this?
[ Hot and cold. Close and distanced. Everything they shouldn't be. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 08:18 am (UTC)We're better.
[ better than they've been in a while. dean regrets hurting cas, for so blindly letting the anger wash over him when castiel had mentioned his failure to keep sam safe the first time. but maybe things won't have to be like that anymore, maybe this is a new shot for them too, for their friendship.
a clean slate.
dean can't promise that he won't lose it again, that all will remain peaceful, but for now he can whisper the words that sit at the tip of his tongue without having to think about it too much. ]
And I'm glad for it.
[ they're on the same page, he feels like. they have an understanding between them. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 05:29 pm (UTC)I...
[ Castiel turns his head just the slightest, a movement that's not quite a shake of his head, and for that brief moment, their noses bump and rub. He can feel Dean's breath when he exhales, feels the tension in his own hand as his fingers curl tighter into his shirt. This angle is awkward, and his own weight is beginning to hurt him pressed close like this. So, he moves again. Just a little, enough to ease up the pressure on his joints, and it's almost as if he's pinning Dean to the wall with his shoulder.
If it were anyone else, he might have straddled their legs. Sat face to face with them. But they are already crossing so many lines, erasing boundaries and getting closer. He can't risk it knowing what he wants to say now. ]
There's something I need to tell you. [ Finally forced out, and it's only a low whisper, anticipation settling in his gut. He's not nervous. He's afraid, but the alcohol warms him deep and loosens his tongue. ] But I don't know how.
[ He shouldn't. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 07:02 pm (UTC)but then there's those few choice words -- there's something i need to tell you -- which has him tense no matter how close cas is or how he might be pinning dean to the wall.
dean's hand finds cas' shoulder, another steady reminder for the other man to not come closer, not right now. then, he finally breathes out the question; ]
What is it?
[ he knows that tone though, knows something is up when cas whispers like that. it makes the tension in his gut grow no matter how much he tries to deny it, chases away the soothing warmth of the alcohol. ]
Just tell me.
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Date: 2014-03-09 07:18 pm (UTC)I couldn't kill him. [ And it's like a release, eyes cast somewhere away from Dean as he remembers running into Lucifer, remembers considering the alternatives and consequences of his actions. ] I wanted to, but I couldn't. I'm no better if I can't do what has to be done.
[ He's rambling at this point, shaking a little. His fingers curl tighter and hold onto him, refusing to be thrust away if it sounds like what it is. He'd failed. Again. This is worse than when Lucifer had snapped his neck; at least he'd known what might have happened. But as he's told Dean, thing are changing, countless things he can't possibly keep up with. And this is why he hates getting drunk sometimes, truthful to a fault and run down into memories he doesn't want to think about. It's worse than pills, worse than anything he's ever know.
Castiel sits back then, head down. ]
I'm not strong like you. [ He's given into so many vices, has fallen so utterly low. He's betrayed the one person he'd never wanted to let down, and it hurts. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 07:32 pm (UTC)dean's not entirely sure what to do with those words. what they mean. who had cas not been able to kill? there's the obvious answer in his head, but cas hasn't mentioned so much as seeing that monster in the few past weeks, so dean resists the urge to even ask. cas would have said something, he would have told dean.
and he needs to hear the name before he can react, he's trying to not jump to conclusions here, trying to better himself like cas had said he's been doing--
but the need to know is becoming something dangerous. ]
What're you talking about.
[ his entire body is tense now, waiting to snap, waiting for words he doesn't want to hear. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 09:48 pm (UTC)Castiel should have known better. He should have told him when they were locked in that refrigerator, when the memory was fresh. He desperately hopes Dean will understand when he says it, when he explains, but given the hard tension that's filtering between them, he doesn't think it's going to go in that particular direction. Yet, should have is far different than didn't, and he sits on it, on those words as he goes impossibly still. Perhaps he could brush it off, but his body has other plans, moving back in so that he really is pressing the other man into the wall with his weight. He uncurls his fingers to cup Dean's face with both hands, holding him still and steady despite the tremor in his arms.
For those few seconds, he's close enough to kiss him. ]
Lucifer.
[ It's mostly a slur, mumbled right against Dean's ear, and then, not thinking, he presses his lips to his cheek in some parting gesture that begs forgiveness. Castiel hovers for a second, breath caught, but he's pushing himself back again before he can offer more--if it's current or a general feeling of failure. He doesn't tell Dean he knows about the torture, he doesn't tell him anything else. Instead, limbs a bit heavy, he tries to run away. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 10:24 pm (UTC)cas never runs from him.
dean doesn't let him get far. cas is all but on him, and it takes little to reach onto something, to grab his friend back, to make sure he doesn't go stumbling off. ]
What are you talking about?
[ he needs to know. when had cas seen lucifer? when had he had a chance to kill him-- why the fuck didn't he? there's confusion, pure and simple on dean's face, etched into features which are trying to understand and failing. despite knowing the answer, he looks at cas again, and then demands; ]
If this is some stupid fuckin' joke, Cas, you need to-- stop.
[ he doesn't find it funny. ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 10:51 pm (UTC)He's stuck. He's screwed. ]
It's not a joke. I... [ He doesn't look at him. ] I saw him in that city, Dean. He was human, and he told me-- You tortured him.
[ It's not accusatory, more like a question he can't seem to fathom. Castiel turns back to him, trying to twist away from the hold the other man has on him. He can't do this so close, but he wants him to understand. It's the desperation that drives him, that pulls him back so that he's on his knees and grabbing at Dean's shoulders. He's thankful for the bed, that it's not as hard as the floor, but... He hardly thinks he deserves it.
Carefully, he licks at his bottom lip and draws in a breath. He's far too drunk to be having this conversation. ]
Why didn't you say something? I could have helped you. [ Or does he really think him that useless? ]
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Date: 2014-03-09 11:57 pm (UTC)dean has no idea what to do with that information, to hear it like this. ]
You saw him. As a human-- in the city. And you didn't kill him?
[ just so he's getting this right. dean stares at cas with that, the words slow and leaving him with an unsatisfied look on his face. never mind that cas knows about the torture, it hadn't been a secret. no, he hadn't mentioned it to cas or involved him, but he doesn't care that he knows-- that's hardly the point here, to begin with.
there are hands at his shoulders as dean snaps. ]
You let him go? You-- [ you could have ended this.
dean shoves him, hard. the wall behind his back is suddenly too close, as is cas, the room they're in small-- tight, too tight. and he doesn't like this, doesn't like how the alcohol had easily burned through his shields, left him feeling calm and soft. it had been the perfect chance for cas to do this, to wound him. and dean feels the words exactly for what they are; a betrayal.
it's sam all over again. ]
Move.
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