[ But the protest is falling to the side, unheard and dismissed as if it doesn't matter. Castiel thinks it should. He would fight for this as he's fought for everything else and be glad of it when it was finally over. Yet, that shove hits him unaware, caught off-guard as he loses his balance and falls back, and he tries clutching at Dean's shirt, feels the give of the fabric when he pulls--
Still, Dean is solid and immovable. He catches himself with a wrist and swears when the angle sends pain shooting up his arm. ]
I thought... I was trying to protect you! Do you honestly believe he would have allowed you to walk free after what you did to him?
[ What both of them had done. Castiel pulls himself up, ignoring the throb in his hand as he tries to keep the room from reeling. He feels like he's going to be sick. ]
And what would if have proved anyway? They come back. They always come back - how can you not understand that?
[ Lucifer would have sought revenge on them both, and the cycle would have continued on and on until, somehow, it reached a different ending. Though he's done this, there's a chance they might never have to worry about the devil ever again. He looks at Dean and silently pleads for him to realize it. ]
[ dean's already been over this, over what lucifer might or might not do because of what him and his other-self had done. but thing is, dean had done it knowing it could cost him, he'd done it because it had been his chance to. he hadn't been a fucking coward about it.
dean laughs, the sound sudden and sharp. ]
Protect me? What, did you and Sam write your scripts together?
[ it's the exact same bullshit his brother had dished out at him, the exact same lie. and dean can't stand it, doesn't ever want to hear those words again; i did it to protect you. fuck that. he's up already, shaking off cas and leaving him on the floor. none of the earlier relaxation remains, none of the warmth that he'd somehow managed to muster for his friend.
and even if he would have come back, it would have given them time, given them fucking revenge. ]
You should have ganked him, I can't believe-- [ it takes every bit of him to not send a fist flying. ]
Did you just walk away? Did you just think ignoring him would make him any less dangerous?
[ He steels himself and clenches his teeth, biting down on the sharp retort that threatens to follow. Is that how Dean sees him? A traitor, like his brother? Castiel suddenly feels like laughing, the thought so... impossible that it hurts his head, his chest. He sits for only second or two, dragging a heavy hand through his hair before pushing up and following after Dean. ]
Everything has always been for you. [ It's soft, like he needs to convince himself of that fact now. ] Of course I thought it would... Why is it so impossible for you to believe people care?
[ He turns his head for a second, dragging his mouth across the back of his arm as he breathes to keep himself from really being sick. The words continue to hit, harder and harder, and Castiel remembers what he'd said to Lucifer. What had been said to him in turn. It's something he could never take back, and he wishes he could go back to that one moment of weakness, do it all over again and never mention what he'd done.
Too late for regrets. He shifts on his feet and staggers a bit, unintentional in the way he reaches out again for him. ]
I know what I should have done, and I know what I still need to do. There's a reason-- [ He cuts himself off. ] But you never listen, do you? Why should now be any different?
[ The anger's starting to seep through, and he spits the words, accusing and hurt. ]
Shut up. Don't you dare fucking say that. I'm not a good enough reason to not kill the devil, Cas. That's our-- that's our fucking mission. Don't you get that? I was so close to ending him, right before we were transported to that town. And now you tell me you could have finished it?
[ but didn't. there's anger and hurt and something so betrayed in his voice it makes him shake. ]
I've listened. But it's hard to listen to something you're not being told.
[ you didn't say anything, and he can't read fucking minds. he pauses then, hands curling into fists at his sides as he rounds on cas. ]
Or maybe-- You say it was to protect me, but that's not it, is it? What's the real reason, huh? You playin' some big old joke here? You been ganging it up with Lucifer for longer? Come on, tell me. [ because he doesn't know anymore, he can't tell. maybe cas has been planning some grand fuck you over for dean and this is the first part of it. maybe-- ]
What about this place, huh? [ he gestures at the room, at their new home around them. ] Did you even think about telling me before you suggested this? Or were you just gonna stay quiet?
[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]
You say that, you say you'd have gone years ago yet you were unable to fuckin' kill him here. Why? He's the enemy, he took everything from us, and you-- just fucking let him walk. You sided with him here.
[ and dean can't understand that. not one bit. instead it reeks of betrayal he hadn't seen coming, not after tonight, and it's just like sam. all happening again where he's the fool being played by those few he still loves. and all because he'd finally decided to let them in.
god, he hates himself. ]
Save your fuckin' crap, I don't wanna hear it.
[ dean's shoving past cas then, stepping out of the room in a flurry of anger. if he stays, he'll hurt him, he knows. and this time for good, further than just cutting his breathing with a hand to the neck. so he leaves, despite how much he wants to do exactly that right now.
[ He opens his mouth to protest, again, but it feels useless in the scheme of things--much like him. This was supposed to benefit all of them. Supposed to, supposed to. Instead, Castiel turns his head at the order, jaw clenched and fingers squeezed tight against his side. The tension only continues to build long after Dean's decided to leave him, and the emptiness of the room suddenly slams into through his chest. He hasn't known loneliness like this, even when he'd fallen.
Despite them being so estranged, at least he'd had a part to play. A role to fill. After this? He doesn't belong anywhere.
Castiel turns to look at the bed for a long while, simply standing unmoving in the center of the place without a thought in his head. His eyes burn, but nothing comes, dragging himself up the longer he waits there in the silence. It eats at him, slowly. Yet, he refuses to surrender, to give in and be beaten down for doing what he'd felt right at the time. He won't give up, won't let Dean think he'd ever choose the angels over him. Not like that.
He's not there when Dean decides to return, nothing of his presence left there save for the jacket he'd taken off at the beginning. Castiel has a plan, and he needs to throw it into motion as soon as he can. ]
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no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 03:23 am (UTC)[ But the protest is falling to the side, unheard and dismissed as if it doesn't matter. Castiel thinks it should. He would fight for this as he's fought for everything else and be glad of it when it was finally over. Yet, that shove hits him unaware, caught off-guard as he loses his balance and falls back, and he tries clutching at Dean's shirt, feels the give of the fabric when he pulls--
Still, Dean is solid and immovable. He catches himself with a wrist and swears when the angle sends pain shooting up his arm. ]
I thought... I was trying to protect you! Do you honestly believe he would have allowed you to walk free after what you did to him?
[ What both of them had done. Castiel pulls himself up, ignoring the throb in his hand as he tries to keep the room from reeling. He feels like he's going to be sick. ]
And what would if have proved anyway? They come back. They always come back - how can you not understand that?
[ Lucifer would have sought revenge on them both, and the cycle would have continued on and on until, somehow, it reached a different ending. Though he's done this, there's a chance they might never have to worry about the devil ever again. He looks at Dean and silently pleads for him to realize it. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 04:20 am (UTC)dean laughs, the sound sudden and sharp. ]
Protect me? What, did you and Sam write your scripts together?
[ it's the exact same bullshit his brother had dished out at him, the exact same lie. and dean can't stand it, doesn't ever want to hear those words again; i did it to protect you. fuck that. he's up already, shaking off cas and leaving him on the floor. none of the earlier relaxation remains, none of the warmth that he'd somehow managed to muster for his friend.
and even if he would have come back, it would have given them time, given them fucking revenge. ]
You should have ganked him, I can't believe-- [ it takes every bit of him to not send a fist flying. ]
Did you just walk away? Did you just think ignoring him would make him any less dangerous?
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 04:43 am (UTC)Everything has always been for you. [ It's soft, like he needs to convince himself of that fact now. ] Of course I thought it would... Why is it so impossible for you to believe people care?
[ He turns his head for a second, dragging his mouth across the back of his arm as he breathes to keep himself from really being sick. The words continue to hit, harder and harder, and Castiel remembers what he'd said to Lucifer. What had been said to him in turn. It's something he could never take back, and he wishes he could go back to that one moment of weakness, do it all over again and never mention what he'd done.
Too late for regrets. He shifts on his feet and staggers a bit, unintentional in the way he reaches out again for him. ]
I know what I should have done, and I know what I still need to do. There's a reason-- [ He cuts himself off. ] But you never listen, do you? Why should now be any different?
[ The anger's starting to seep through, and he spits the words, accusing and hurt. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 04:57 am (UTC)[ but didn't. there's anger and hurt and something so betrayed in his voice it makes him shake. ]
I've listened. But it's hard to listen to something you're not being told.
[ you didn't say anything, and he can't read fucking minds. he pauses then, hands curling into fists at his sides as he rounds on cas. ]
Or maybe-- You say it was to protect me, but that's not it, is it? What's the real reason, huh? You playin' some big old joke here? You been ganging it up with Lucifer for longer? Come on, tell me. [ because he doesn't know anymore, he can't tell. maybe cas has been planning some grand fuck you over for dean and this is the first part of it. maybe-- ]
What about this place, huh? [ he gestures at the room, at their new home around them. ] Did you even think about telling me before you suggested this? Or were you just gonna stay quiet?
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 05:27 am (UTC)[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 05:40 am (UTC)[ and dean can't understand that. not one bit. instead it reeks of betrayal he hadn't seen coming, not after tonight, and it's just like sam. all happening again where he's the fool being played by those few he still loves. and all because he'd finally decided to let them in.
god, he hates himself. ]
Save your fuckin' crap, I don't wanna hear it.
[ dean's shoving past cas then, stepping out of the room in a flurry of anger. if he stays, he'll hurt him, he knows. and this time for good, further than just cutting his breathing with a hand to the neck. so he leaves, despite how much he wants to do exactly that right now.
but not without a pause. ]
You're not living here any longer.
[ get out. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 03:32 pm (UTC)Despite them being so estranged, at least he'd had a part to play. A role to fill. After this? He doesn't belong anywhere.
Castiel turns to look at the bed for a long while, simply standing unmoving in the center of the place without a thought in his head. His eyes burn, but nothing comes, dragging himself up the longer he waits there in the silence. It eats at him, slowly. Yet, he refuses to surrender, to give in and be beaten down for doing what he'd felt right at the time. He won't give up, won't let Dean think he'd ever choose the angels over him. Not like that.
He's not there when Dean decides to return, nothing of his presence left there save for the jacket he'd taken off at the beginning. Castiel has a plan, and he needs to throw it into motion as soon as he can. ]