Shut up. Don't you dare fucking say that. I'm not a good enough reason to not kill the devil, Cas. That's our-- that's our fucking mission. Don't you get that? I was so close to ending him, right before we were transported to that town. And now you tell me you could have finished it?
[ but didn't. there's anger and hurt and something so betrayed in his voice it makes him shake. ]
I've listened. But it's hard to listen to something you're not being told.
[ you didn't say anything, and he can't read fucking minds. he pauses then, hands curling into fists at his sides as he rounds on cas. ]
Or maybe-- You say it was to protect me, but that's not it, is it? What's the real reason, huh? You playin' some big old joke here? You been ganging it up with Lucifer for longer? Come on, tell me. [ because he doesn't know anymore, he can't tell. maybe cas has been planning some grand fuck you over for dean and this is the first part of it. maybe-- ]
What about this place, huh? [ he gestures at the room, at their new home around them. ] Did you even think about telling me before you suggested this? Or were you just gonna stay quiet?
[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]
You say that, you say you'd have gone years ago yet you were unable to fuckin' kill him here. Why? He's the enemy, he took everything from us, and you-- just fucking let him walk. You sided with him here.
[ and dean can't understand that. not one bit. instead it reeks of betrayal he hadn't seen coming, not after tonight, and it's just like sam. all happening again where he's the fool being played by those few he still loves. and all because he'd finally decided to let them in.
god, he hates himself. ]
Save your fuckin' crap, I don't wanna hear it.
[ dean's shoving past cas then, stepping out of the room in a flurry of anger. if he stays, he'll hurt him, he knows. and this time for good, further than just cutting his breathing with a hand to the neck. so he leaves, despite how much he wants to do exactly that right now.
[ He opens his mouth to protest, again, but it feels useless in the scheme of things--much like him. This was supposed to benefit all of them. Supposed to, supposed to. Instead, Castiel turns his head at the order, jaw clenched and fingers squeezed tight against his side. The tension only continues to build long after Dean's decided to leave him, and the emptiness of the room suddenly slams into through his chest. He hasn't known loneliness like this, even when he'd fallen.
Despite them being so estranged, at least he'd had a part to play. A role to fill. After this? He doesn't belong anywhere.
Castiel turns to look at the bed for a long while, simply standing unmoving in the center of the place without a thought in his head. His eyes burn, but nothing comes, dragging himself up the longer he waits there in the silence. It eats at him, slowly. Yet, he refuses to surrender, to give in and be beaten down for doing what he'd felt right at the time. He won't give up, won't let Dean think he'd ever choose the angels over him. Not like that.
He's not there when Dean decides to return, nothing of his presence left there save for the jacket he'd taken off at the beginning. Castiel has a plan, and he needs to throw it into motion as soon as he can. ]
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no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 04:57 am (UTC)[ but didn't. there's anger and hurt and something so betrayed in his voice it makes him shake. ]
I've listened. But it's hard to listen to something you're not being told.
[ you didn't say anything, and he can't read fucking minds. he pauses then, hands curling into fists at his sides as he rounds on cas. ]
Or maybe-- You say it was to protect me, but that's not it, is it? What's the real reason, huh? You playin' some big old joke here? You been ganging it up with Lucifer for longer? Come on, tell me. [ because he doesn't know anymore, he can't tell. maybe cas has been planning some grand fuck you over for dean and this is the first part of it. maybe-- ]
What about this place, huh? [ he gestures at the room, at their new home around them. ] Did you even think about telling me before you suggested this? Or were you just gonna stay quiet?
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 05:27 am (UTC)[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 05:40 am (UTC)[ and dean can't understand that. not one bit. instead it reeks of betrayal he hadn't seen coming, not after tonight, and it's just like sam. all happening again where he's the fool being played by those few he still loves. and all because he'd finally decided to let them in.
god, he hates himself. ]
Save your fuckin' crap, I don't wanna hear it.
[ dean's shoving past cas then, stepping out of the room in a flurry of anger. if he stays, he'll hurt him, he knows. and this time for good, further than just cutting his breathing with a hand to the neck. so he leaves, despite how much he wants to do exactly that right now.
but not without a pause. ]
You're not living here any longer.
[ get out. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 03:32 pm (UTC)Despite them being so estranged, at least he'd had a part to play. A role to fill. After this? He doesn't belong anywhere.
Castiel turns to look at the bed for a long while, simply standing unmoving in the center of the place without a thought in his head. His eyes burn, but nothing comes, dragging himself up the longer he waits there in the silence. It eats at him, slowly. Yet, he refuses to surrender, to give in and be beaten down for doing what he'd felt right at the time. He won't give up, won't let Dean think he'd ever choose the angels over him. Not like that.
He's not there when Dean decides to return, nothing of his presence left there save for the jacket he'd taken off at the beginning. Castiel has a plan, and he needs to throw it into motion as soon as he can. ]