[ He can't keep still anymore--not with those words and certainly not with that hand settling warm on his neck. The alcohol is burning its way through him now, and with the dark comes the realization that they're alone like this. That... something isn't exactly right even if he feels it might be. Castiel can't see much of him anymore, not with the shadows filtering across the room, so he lifts his free hand to find Dean's face. The edge of his thumb drags along skin, the edge of his jaw maybe. The line of his cheekbone. ]
You can't compare yourself to me. I'm not speaking of loyalty, Dean.
[ And he feels sick. Sick enough that he turns his face away and leans to rest his forehead against Dean's shoulder. He very suddenly wants to lie down and stretch out, this conversation odd and their proximity odder. Castiel thinks he might want--
The hand on his thigh gently slides up, further until he's gripping the hem of Dean's shirt in a light hold. He doesn't know whether he does it to keep him there or to anchor himself to reality. The liquor seems to be really kicking in. ]
If I could give you more, you wouldn't have to ask for it. [ It's mumbled under his breath, hot against the fabric of Dean's clothes. ]
[ it feels like something changes. dean feels the pad of cas' thumb on the side of his face, feeling and mapping out the planes. he keeps still though, only watches what little he can see of cas from the little light there might be left. ]
Then what're you talking about?
[ it's sudden how cas is inches from him and then isn't. how there's pressure against his shoulder where the other man presses his face, and dean stills again. it's an odd position, but then everything has been odd since cas decided that they needed to celebrate, since they settled down onto the mattress. ]
You've given me enough.
[ his loyalty, his life. and dean has fucked both over more times than he cares to remember. ]
And I wouldn't ask. Not when things are good the way they are, finally. [ he has sam again, they're all alive and well. sure, lucifer still lingers but this is the best it's been in months. ]
[ It's a hollow confession because it's like he's lying to Dean and himself all at once. Knowing what he knows and not saying it-- Castiel doesn't believe he has it in him to ruin this moment. Perhaps he could convince himself to do it later, to explain later just how untrue everything is. An uncontrolled shiver runs down his spine, and when he breathes, he can smell the liquor.
He's drunk. And this is bad. So, so bad. ]
Do you really believe it's good like this?
[ Castiel's pulled back to say it, grabbing onto Dean to keep himself steady and the room from spinning. He tips forward then and just clutches at him, rests their foreheads together like he had after they'd fought with each other. It's very grounding and maybe a little uncomfortable. ] Do you... believe we're good like this?
[ Hot and cold. Close and distanced. Everything they shouldn't be. ]
[ dean isn't surprised to feel cas' forehead against his own, not this time. instead, he simply closes his eyes, exhales with a sigh before speaking up. ]
We're better.
[ better than they've been in a while. dean regrets hurting cas, for so blindly letting the anger wash over him when castiel had mentioned his failure to keep sam safe the first time. but maybe things won't have to be like that anymore, maybe this is a new shot for them too, for their friendship.
a clean slate.
dean can't promise that he won't lose it again, that all will remain peaceful, but for now he can whisper the words that sit at the tip of his tongue without having to think about it too much. ]
And I'm glad for it.
[ they're on the same page, he feels like. they have an understanding between them. ]
[ He can't find it in himself to agree with that. They're different, changed, but not necessarily better. At least, Castiel doesn't feel that he himself is better. How could he be when - by Dean's side or not - there had been more to him before the start of all this? ]
I...
[ Castiel turns his head just the slightest, a movement that's not quite a shake of his head, and for that brief moment, their noses bump and rub. He can feel Dean's breath when he exhales, feels the tension in his own hand as his fingers curl tighter into his shirt. This angle is awkward, and his own weight is beginning to hurt him pressed close like this. So, he moves again. Just a little, enough to ease up the pressure on his joints, and it's almost as if he's pinning Dean to the wall with his shoulder.
If it were anyone else, he might have straddled their legs. Sat face to face with them. But they are already crossing so many lines, erasing boundaries and getting closer. He can't risk it knowing what he wants to say now. ]
There's something I need to tell you. [ Finally forced out, and it's only a low whisper, anticipation settling in his gut. He's not nervous. He's afraid, but the alcohol warms him deep and loosens his tongue. ] But I don't know how.
[ something is off. the feeling is only a small, budding one, which dean forces away. cas is drunk and most likely on the verge of rambling about something he considers serious but isn't. he's done it before, talk about them, their situation, something that dean would just brush off. he's tempted to consider the same again, to tell cas to not worry about it.
but then there's those few choice words -- there's something i need to tell you -- which has him tense no matter how close cas is or how he might be pinning dean to the wall.
dean's hand finds cas' shoulder, another steady reminder for the other man to not come closer, not right now. then, he finally breathes out the question; ]
What is it?
[ he knows that tone though, knows something is up when cas whispers like that. it makes the tension in his gut grow no matter how much he tries to deny it, chases away the soothing warmth of the alcohol. ]
[ It's edging on dangerous now, and with Dean's hand to insist he not come any closer, Castiel knows he's going to ruin it. He's going to say something that's wrong, something he's kept quiet for over a week. A secret that could end them, end whatever this is starting to become and prove how useless he really is. It's settling in his mouth though, words heavy as he tries to breathe and find the right words. ]
I couldn't kill him. [ And it's like a release, eyes cast somewhere away from Dean as he remembers running into Lucifer, remembers considering the alternatives and consequences of his actions. ] I wanted to, but I couldn't. I'm no better if I can't do what has to be done.
[ He's rambling at this point, shaking a little. His fingers curl tighter and hold onto him, refusing to be thrust away if it sounds like what it is. He'd failed. Again. This is worse than when Lucifer had snapped his neck; at least he'd known what might have happened. But as he's told Dean, thing are changing, countless things he can't possibly keep up with. And this is why he hates getting drunk sometimes, truthful to a fault and run down into memories he doesn't want to think about. It's worse than pills, worse than anything he's ever know.
Castiel sits back then, head down. ]
I'm not strong like you. [ He's given into so many vices, has fallen so utterly low. He's betrayed the one person he'd never wanted to let down, and it hurts. ]
dean's not entirely sure what to do with those words. what they mean. who had cas not been able to kill? there's the obvious answer in his head, but cas hasn't mentioned so much as seeing that monster in the few past weeks, so dean resists the urge to even ask. cas would have said something, he would have told dean.
and he needs to hear the name before he can react, he's trying to not jump to conclusions here, trying to better himself like cas had said he's been doing--
but the need to know is becoming something dangerous. ]
What're you talking about.
[ his entire body is tense now, waiting to snap, waiting for words he doesn't want to hear. ]
Castiel should have known better. He should have told him when they were locked in that refrigerator, when the memory was fresh. He desperately hopes Dean will understand when he says it, when he explains, but given the hard tension that's filtering between them, he doesn't think it's going to go in that particular direction. Yet, should have is far different than didn't, and he sits on it, on those words as he goes impossibly still. Perhaps he could brush it off, but his body has other plans, moving back in so that he really is pressing the other man into the wall with his weight. He uncurls his fingers to cup Dean's face with both hands, holding him still and steady despite the tremor in his arms.
For those few seconds, he's close enough to kiss him. ]
Lucifer.
[ It's mostly a slur, mumbled right against Dean's ear, and then, not thinking, he presses his lips to his cheek in some parting gesture that begs forgiveness. Castiel hovers for a second, breath caught, but he's pushing himself back again before he can offer more--if it's current or a general feeling of failure. He doesn't tell Dean he knows about the torture, he doesn't tell him anything else. Instead, limbs a bit heavy, he tries to run away. ]
[ he thinks, for a breath, that it's a joke. it has to be, he's not entirely sure when this went from being a celebration between two friends to cas confessing that he hadn't been able to do the one thing dean's been trying to do for years. and had apparently had the chance to, as well. it's so conflicting, the press of cas against him to the mouth which finds his cheek, to the words that come out and how quickly cas is trying to escape then-- and it's that if nothing else, which spells out the fact that this isn't a joke.
cas never runs from him.
dean doesn't let him get far. cas is all but on him, and it takes little to reach onto something, to grab his friend back, to make sure he doesn't go stumbling off. ]
What are you talking about?
[ he needs to know. when had cas seen lucifer? when had he had a chance to kill him-- why the fuck didn't he? there's confusion, pure and simple on dean's face, etched into features which are trying to understand and failing. despite knowing the answer, he looks at cas again, and then demands; ]
If this is some stupid fuckin' joke, Cas, you need to-- stop.
[ He's not sure, either, and it pains him to ruin this nice thing they have going, that his idea of a celebration is telling his oh so fearless leader that he couldn't being himself to drive Lucifer to his death. He'd had the chance, and it had slipped right through his fingers because he was weak. Because he wasn't strong like Dean, couldn't lift a hand against one of his brothers when it had been their only goal in years. Castiel shudders when he grabs at him and stops him from stumbling over himself, tripping off the mattress and out the door.
He's stuck. He's screwed. ]
It's not a joke. I... [ He doesn't look at him. ] I saw him in that city, Dean. He was human, and he told me-- You tortured him.
[ It's not accusatory, more like a question he can't seem to fathom. Castiel turns back to him, trying to twist away from the hold the other man has on him. He can't do this so close, but he wants him to understand. It's the desperation that drives him, that pulls him back so that he's on his knees and grabbing at Dean's shoulders. He's thankful for the bed, that it's not as hard as the floor, but... He hardly thinks he deserves it.
Carefully, he licks at his bottom lip and draws in a breath. He's far too drunk to be having this conversation. ]
Why didn't you say something? I could have helped you. [ Or does he really think him that useless? ]
[ so right after they'd been transported to the new town. lucifer had been human when dean and his other-self had tortured him, had stopped healing and he'd been so close, so damn close to killing the devil that to hear cas had the chance to? the one person he'd trusted to carry on the mission if dean failed but hadn't done so?
dean has no idea what to do with that information, to hear it like this. ]
You saw him. As a human-- in the city. And you didn't kill him?
[ just so he's getting this right. dean stares at cas with that, the words slow and leaving him with an unsatisfied look on his face. never mind that cas knows about the torture, it hadn't been a secret. no, he hadn't mentioned it to cas or involved him, but he doesn't care that he knows-- that's hardly the point here, to begin with.
there are hands at his shoulders as dean snaps. ]
You let him go? You-- [ you could have ended this.
dean shoves him, hard. the wall behind his back is suddenly too close, as is cas, the room they're in small-- tight, too tight. and he doesn't like this, doesn't like how the alcohol had easily burned through his shields, left him feeling calm and soft. it had been the perfect chance for cas to do this, to wound him. and dean feels the words exactly for what they are; a betrayal.
[ But the protest is falling to the side, unheard and dismissed as if it doesn't matter. Castiel thinks it should. He would fight for this as he's fought for everything else and be glad of it when it was finally over. Yet, that shove hits him unaware, caught off-guard as he loses his balance and falls back, and he tries clutching at Dean's shirt, feels the give of the fabric when he pulls--
Still, Dean is solid and immovable. He catches himself with a wrist and swears when the angle sends pain shooting up his arm. ]
I thought... I was trying to protect you! Do you honestly believe he would have allowed you to walk free after what you did to him?
[ What both of them had done. Castiel pulls himself up, ignoring the throb in his hand as he tries to keep the room from reeling. He feels like he's going to be sick. ]
And what would if have proved anyway? They come back. They always come back - how can you not understand that?
[ Lucifer would have sought revenge on them both, and the cycle would have continued on and on until, somehow, it reached a different ending. Though he's done this, there's a chance they might never have to worry about the devil ever again. He looks at Dean and silently pleads for him to realize it. ]
[ dean's already been over this, over what lucifer might or might not do because of what him and his other-self had done. but thing is, dean had done it knowing it could cost him, he'd done it because it had been his chance to. he hadn't been a fucking coward about it.
dean laughs, the sound sudden and sharp. ]
Protect me? What, did you and Sam write your scripts together?
[ it's the exact same bullshit his brother had dished out at him, the exact same lie. and dean can't stand it, doesn't ever want to hear those words again; i did it to protect you. fuck that. he's up already, shaking off cas and leaving him on the floor. none of the earlier relaxation remains, none of the warmth that he'd somehow managed to muster for his friend.
and even if he would have come back, it would have given them time, given them fucking revenge. ]
You should have ganked him, I can't believe-- [ it takes every bit of him to not send a fist flying. ]
Did you just walk away? Did you just think ignoring him would make him any less dangerous?
[ He steels himself and clenches his teeth, biting down on the sharp retort that threatens to follow. Is that how Dean sees him? A traitor, like his brother? Castiel suddenly feels like laughing, the thought so... impossible that it hurts his head, his chest. He sits for only second or two, dragging a heavy hand through his hair before pushing up and following after Dean. ]
Everything has always been for you. [ It's soft, like he needs to convince himself of that fact now. ] Of course I thought it would... Why is it so impossible for you to believe people care?
[ He turns his head for a second, dragging his mouth across the back of his arm as he breathes to keep himself from really being sick. The words continue to hit, harder and harder, and Castiel remembers what he'd said to Lucifer. What had been said to him in turn. It's something he could never take back, and he wishes he could go back to that one moment of weakness, do it all over again and never mention what he'd done.
Too late for regrets. He shifts on his feet and staggers a bit, unintentional in the way he reaches out again for him. ]
I know what I should have done, and I know what I still need to do. There's a reason-- [ He cuts himself off. ] But you never listen, do you? Why should now be any different?
[ The anger's starting to seep through, and he spits the words, accusing and hurt. ]
Shut up. Don't you dare fucking say that. I'm not a good enough reason to not kill the devil, Cas. That's our-- that's our fucking mission. Don't you get that? I was so close to ending him, right before we were transported to that town. And now you tell me you could have finished it?
[ but didn't. there's anger and hurt and something so betrayed in his voice it makes him shake. ]
I've listened. But it's hard to listen to something you're not being told.
[ you didn't say anything, and he can't read fucking minds. he pauses then, hands curling into fists at his sides as he rounds on cas. ]
Or maybe-- You say it was to protect me, but that's not it, is it? What's the real reason, huh? You playin' some big old joke here? You been ganging it up with Lucifer for longer? Come on, tell me. [ because he doesn't know anymore, he can't tell. maybe cas has been planning some grand fuck you over for dean and this is the first part of it. maybe-- ]
What about this place, huh? [ he gestures at the room, at their new home around them. ] Did you even think about telling me before you suggested this? Or were you just gonna stay quiet?
[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]
You say that, you say you'd have gone years ago yet you were unable to fuckin' kill him here. Why? He's the enemy, he took everything from us, and you-- just fucking let him walk. You sided with him here.
[ and dean can't understand that. not one bit. instead it reeks of betrayal he hadn't seen coming, not after tonight, and it's just like sam. all happening again where he's the fool being played by those few he still loves. and all because he'd finally decided to let them in.
god, he hates himself. ]
Save your fuckin' crap, I don't wanna hear it.
[ dean's shoving past cas then, stepping out of the room in a flurry of anger. if he stays, he'll hurt him, he knows. and this time for good, further than just cutting his breathing with a hand to the neck. so he leaves, despite how much he wants to do exactly that right now.
[ He opens his mouth to protest, again, but it feels useless in the scheme of things--much like him. This was supposed to benefit all of them. Supposed to, supposed to. Instead, Castiel turns his head at the order, jaw clenched and fingers squeezed tight against his side. The tension only continues to build long after Dean's decided to leave him, and the emptiness of the room suddenly slams into through his chest. He hasn't known loneliness like this, even when he'd fallen.
Despite them being so estranged, at least he'd had a part to play. A role to fill. After this? He doesn't belong anywhere.
Castiel turns to look at the bed for a long while, simply standing unmoving in the center of the place without a thought in his head. His eyes burn, but nothing comes, dragging himself up the longer he waits there in the silence. It eats at him, slowly. Yet, he refuses to surrender, to give in and be beaten down for doing what he'd felt right at the time. He won't give up, won't let Dean think he'd ever choose the angels over him. Not like that.
He's not there when Dean decides to return, nothing of his presence left there save for the jacket he'd taken off at the beginning. Castiel has a plan, and he needs to throw it into motion as soon as he can. ]
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no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:26 am (UTC)You can't compare yourself to me. I'm not speaking of loyalty, Dean.
[ And he feels sick. Sick enough that he turns his face away and leans to rest his forehead against Dean's shoulder. He very suddenly wants to lie down and stretch out, this conversation odd and their proximity odder. Castiel thinks he might want--
The hand on his thigh gently slides up, further until he's gripping the hem of Dean's shirt in a light hold. He doesn't know whether he does it to keep him there or to anchor himself to reality. The liquor seems to be really kicking in. ]
If I could give you more, you wouldn't have to ask for it. [ It's mumbled under his breath, hot against the fabric of Dean's clothes. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:39 am (UTC)Then what're you talking about?
[ it's sudden how cas is inches from him and then isn't. how there's pressure against his shoulder where the other man presses his face, and dean stills again. it's an odd position, but then everything has been odd since cas decided that they needed to celebrate, since they settled down onto the mattress. ]
You've given me enough.
[ his loyalty, his life. and dean has fucked both over more times than he cares to remember. ]
And I wouldn't ask. Not when things are good the way they are, finally. [ he has sam again, they're all alive and well. sure, lucifer still lingers but this is the best it's been in months. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:49 am (UTC)[ It's a hollow confession because it's like he's lying to Dean and himself all at once. Knowing what he knows and not saying it-- Castiel doesn't believe he has it in him to ruin this moment. Perhaps he could convince himself to do it later, to explain later just how untrue everything is. An uncontrolled shiver runs down his spine, and when he breathes, he can smell the liquor.
He's drunk. And this is bad. So, so bad. ]
Do you really believe it's good like this?
[ Castiel's pulled back to say it, grabbing onto Dean to keep himself steady and the room from spinning. He tips forward then and just clutches at him, rests their foreheads together like he had after they'd fought with each other. It's very grounding and maybe a little uncomfortable. ] Do you... believe we're good like this?
[ Hot and cold. Close and distanced. Everything they shouldn't be. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 08:18 am (UTC)We're better.
[ better than they've been in a while. dean regrets hurting cas, for so blindly letting the anger wash over him when castiel had mentioned his failure to keep sam safe the first time. but maybe things won't have to be like that anymore, maybe this is a new shot for them too, for their friendship.
a clean slate.
dean can't promise that he won't lose it again, that all will remain peaceful, but for now he can whisper the words that sit at the tip of his tongue without having to think about it too much. ]
And I'm glad for it.
[ they're on the same page, he feels like. they have an understanding between them. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 05:29 pm (UTC)I...
[ Castiel turns his head just the slightest, a movement that's not quite a shake of his head, and for that brief moment, their noses bump and rub. He can feel Dean's breath when he exhales, feels the tension in his own hand as his fingers curl tighter into his shirt. This angle is awkward, and his own weight is beginning to hurt him pressed close like this. So, he moves again. Just a little, enough to ease up the pressure on his joints, and it's almost as if he's pinning Dean to the wall with his shoulder.
If it were anyone else, he might have straddled their legs. Sat face to face with them. But they are already crossing so many lines, erasing boundaries and getting closer. He can't risk it knowing what he wants to say now. ]
There's something I need to tell you. [ Finally forced out, and it's only a low whisper, anticipation settling in his gut. He's not nervous. He's afraid, but the alcohol warms him deep and loosens his tongue. ] But I don't know how.
[ He shouldn't. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:02 pm (UTC)but then there's those few choice words -- there's something i need to tell you -- which has him tense no matter how close cas is or how he might be pinning dean to the wall.
dean's hand finds cas' shoulder, another steady reminder for the other man to not come closer, not right now. then, he finally breathes out the question; ]
What is it?
[ he knows that tone though, knows something is up when cas whispers like that. it makes the tension in his gut grow no matter how much he tries to deny it, chases away the soothing warmth of the alcohol. ]
Just tell me.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:18 pm (UTC)I couldn't kill him. [ And it's like a release, eyes cast somewhere away from Dean as he remembers running into Lucifer, remembers considering the alternatives and consequences of his actions. ] I wanted to, but I couldn't. I'm no better if I can't do what has to be done.
[ He's rambling at this point, shaking a little. His fingers curl tighter and hold onto him, refusing to be thrust away if it sounds like what it is. He'd failed. Again. This is worse than when Lucifer had snapped his neck; at least he'd known what might have happened. But as he's told Dean, thing are changing, countless things he can't possibly keep up with. And this is why he hates getting drunk sometimes, truthful to a fault and run down into memories he doesn't want to think about. It's worse than pills, worse than anything he's ever know.
Castiel sits back then, head down. ]
I'm not strong like you. [ He's given into so many vices, has fallen so utterly low. He's betrayed the one person he'd never wanted to let down, and it hurts. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 07:32 pm (UTC)dean's not entirely sure what to do with those words. what they mean. who had cas not been able to kill? there's the obvious answer in his head, but cas hasn't mentioned so much as seeing that monster in the few past weeks, so dean resists the urge to even ask. cas would have said something, he would have told dean.
and he needs to hear the name before he can react, he's trying to not jump to conclusions here, trying to better himself like cas had said he's been doing--
but the need to know is becoming something dangerous. ]
What're you talking about.
[ his entire body is tense now, waiting to snap, waiting for words he doesn't want to hear. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 09:48 pm (UTC)Castiel should have known better. He should have told him when they were locked in that refrigerator, when the memory was fresh. He desperately hopes Dean will understand when he says it, when he explains, but given the hard tension that's filtering between them, he doesn't think it's going to go in that particular direction. Yet, should have is far different than didn't, and he sits on it, on those words as he goes impossibly still. Perhaps he could brush it off, but his body has other plans, moving back in so that he really is pressing the other man into the wall with his weight. He uncurls his fingers to cup Dean's face with both hands, holding him still and steady despite the tremor in his arms.
For those few seconds, he's close enough to kiss him. ]
Lucifer.
[ It's mostly a slur, mumbled right against Dean's ear, and then, not thinking, he presses his lips to his cheek in some parting gesture that begs forgiveness. Castiel hovers for a second, breath caught, but he's pushing himself back again before he can offer more--if it's current or a general feeling of failure. He doesn't tell Dean he knows about the torture, he doesn't tell him anything else. Instead, limbs a bit heavy, he tries to run away. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 10:24 pm (UTC)cas never runs from him.
dean doesn't let him get far. cas is all but on him, and it takes little to reach onto something, to grab his friend back, to make sure he doesn't go stumbling off. ]
What are you talking about?
[ he needs to know. when had cas seen lucifer? when had he had a chance to kill him-- why the fuck didn't he? there's confusion, pure and simple on dean's face, etched into features which are trying to understand and failing. despite knowing the answer, he looks at cas again, and then demands; ]
If this is some stupid fuckin' joke, Cas, you need to-- stop.
[ he doesn't find it funny. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 10:51 pm (UTC)He's stuck. He's screwed. ]
It's not a joke. I... [ He doesn't look at him. ] I saw him in that city, Dean. He was human, and he told me-- You tortured him.
[ It's not accusatory, more like a question he can't seem to fathom. Castiel turns back to him, trying to twist away from the hold the other man has on him. He can't do this so close, but he wants him to understand. It's the desperation that drives him, that pulls him back so that he's on his knees and grabbing at Dean's shoulders. He's thankful for the bed, that it's not as hard as the floor, but... He hardly thinks he deserves it.
Carefully, he licks at his bottom lip and draws in a breath. He's far too drunk to be having this conversation. ]
Why didn't you say something? I could have helped you. [ Or does he really think him that useless? ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 11:57 pm (UTC)dean has no idea what to do with that information, to hear it like this. ]
You saw him. As a human-- in the city. And you didn't kill him?
[ just so he's getting this right. dean stares at cas with that, the words slow and leaving him with an unsatisfied look on his face. never mind that cas knows about the torture, it hadn't been a secret. no, he hadn't mentioned it to cas or involved him, but he doesn't care that he knows-- that's hardly the point here, to begin with.
there are hands at his shoulders as dean snaps. ]
You let him go? You-- [ you could have ended this.
dean shoves him, hard. the wall behind his back is suddenly too close, as is cas, the room they're in small-- tight, too tight. and he doesn't like this, doesn't like how the alcohol had easily burned through his shields, left him feeling calm and soft. it had been the perfect chance for cas to do this, to wound him. and dean feels the words exactly for what they are; a betrayal.
it's sam all over again. ]
Move.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 03:23 am (UTC)[ But the protest is falling to the side, unheard and dismissed as if it doesn't matter. Castiel thinks it should. He would fight for this as he's fought for everything else and be glad of it when it was finally over. Yet, that shove hits him unaware, caught off-guard as he loses his balance and falls back, and he tries clutching at Dean's shirt, feels the give of the fabric when he pulls--
Still, Dean is solid and immovable. He catches himself with a wrist and swears when the angle sends pain shooting up his arm. ]
I thought... I was trying to protect you! Do you honestly believe he would have allowed you to walk free after what you did to him?
[ What both of them had done. Castiel pulls himself up, ignoring the throb in his hand as he tries to keep the room from reeling. He feels like he's going to be sick. ]
And what would if have proved anyway? They come back. They always come back - how can you not understand that?
[ Lucifer would have sought revenge on them both, and the cycle would have continued on and on until, somehow, it reached a different ending. Though he's done this, there's a chance they might never have to worry about the devil ever again. He looks at Dean and silently pleads for him to realize it. ]
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Date: 2014-03-10 04:20 am (UTC)dean laughs, the sound sudden and sharp. ]
Protect me? What, did you and Sam write your scripts together?
[ it's the exact same bullshit his brother had dished out at him, the exact same lie. and dean can't stand it, doesn't ever want to hear those words again; i did it to protect you. fuck that. he's up already, shaking off cas and leaving him on the floor. none of the earlier relaxation remains, none of the warmth that he'd somehow managed to muster for his friend.
and even if he would have come back, it would have given them time, given them fucking revenge. ]
You should have ganked him, I can't believe-- [ it takes every bit of him to not send a fist flying. ]
Did you just walk away? Did you just think ignoring him would make him any less dangerous?
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Date: 2014-03-10 04:43 am (UTC)Everything has always been for you. [ It's soft, like he needs to convince himself of that fact now. ] Of course I thought it would... Why is it so impossible for you to believe people care?
[ He turns his head for a second, dragging his mouth across the back of his arm as he breathes to keep himself from really being sick. The words continue to hit, harder and harder, and Castiel remembers what he'd said to Lucifer. What had been said to him in turn. It's something he could never take back, and he wishes he could go back to that one moment of weakness, do it all over again and never mention what he'd done.
Too late for regrets. He shifts on his feet and staggers a bit, unintentional in the way he reaches out again for him. ]
I know what I should have done, and I know what I still need to do. There's a reason-- [ He cuts himself off. ] But you never listen, do you? Why should now be any different?
[ The anger's starting to seep through, and he spits the words, accusing and hurt. ]
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Date: 2014-03-10 04:57 am (UTC)[ but didn't. there's anger and hurt and something so betrayed in his voice it makes him shake. ]
I've listened. But it's hard to listen to something you're not being told.
[ you didn't say anything, and he can't read fucking minds. he pauses then, hands curling into fists at his sides as he rounds on cas. ]
Or maybe-- You say it was to protect me, but that's not it, is it? What's the real reason, huh? You playin' some big old joke here? You been ganging it up with Lucifer for longer? Come on, tell me. [ because he doesn't know anymore, he can't tell. maybe cas has been planning some grand fuck you over for dean and this is the first part of it. maybe-- ]
What about this place, huh? [ he gestures at the room, at their new home around them. ] Did you even think about telling me before you suggested this? Or were you just gonna stay quiet?
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Date: 2014-03-10 05:27 am (UTC)[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]
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Date: 2014-03-10 05:40 am (UTC)[ and dean can't understand that. not one bit. instead it reeks of betrayal he hadn't seen coming, not after tonight, and it's just like sam. all happening again where he's the fool being played by those few he still loves. and all because he'd finally decided to let them in.
god, he hates himself. ]
Save your fuckin' crap, I don't wanna hear it.
[ dean's shoving past cas then, stepping out of the room in a flurry of anger. if he stays, he'll hurt him, he knows. and this time for good, further than just cutting his breathing with a hand to the neck. so he leaves, despite how much he wants to do exactly that right now.
but not without a pause. ]
You're not living here any longer.
[ get out. ]
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Date: 2014-03-10 03:32 pm (UTC)Despite them being so estranged, at least he'd had a part to play. A role to fill. After this? He doesn't belong anywhere.
Castiel turns to look at the bed for a long while, simply standing unmoving in the center of the place without a thought in his head. His eyes burn, but nothing comes, dragging himself up the longer he waits there in the silence. It eats at him, slowly. Yet, he refuses to surrender, to give in and be beaten down for doing what he'd felt right at the time. He won't give up, won't let Dean think he'd ever choose the angels over him. Not like that.
He's not there when Dean decides to return, nothing of his presence left there save for the jacket he'd taken off at the beginning. Castiel has a plan, and he needs to throw it into motion as soon as he can. ]