[ once there, dean doesn't bother with much of a greeting, instead simply lingering in the doorway, eyes falling on cas. he has no desire to check who might be arriving, since there isn't a single person he can think of wanting to see. all those he cares about are here, already. ]
So? Talk. What's the plan.
[ he's all ears. aggressive, moody ears, too, apparently. ]
[ He looks at him from where he stands, tilting his head a little as if silently questioning why he's not coming closer. Not that talking at a distance bothers him, but-- Castiel sets his expression to something a bit closed off, normal. ]
It's more a... suggestion. [ Because he doesn't even know if it's actually going to work, and that's a bad plan. ] Since trapping him didn't work before-- It might be easier to ask.
[ Since there's something Castiel has over him that no one else has right now. ]
[ well, fucking color dean surprised and confused, because what cas is saying isn't exactly making a whole lot of sense to him right now. ]
Ask him what exactly?
[ asking means using words instead of, you know, violence, which is a much more preferred method when it comes to dealing with the devil, if you ask dean. ]
[ And okay. Maybe it sounds... somewhat ridiculous being phrased like that, but he's thought about this since they'd left that other world behind and returned to Zelien. Between the arguments, the constant ups and downs they've been through-- No one has considered that option before. Besides, death isn't permanent, and he means it to be something they must address rather than something they continuously try and fail to do. ]
I don't know how you managed to hit your fuckin' head between now and last night, but that's the dumbest fucking thing I've heard in a long time.
[ what the fucking fuck, cas? ]
Why the hell would he just let us kill him? He'll snap our necks way before he lets something like that happen. [ he pushes off from the doorway then, like he's three seconds away from leaving. still, he turns to cas again. ] Hell-- I can't even freakin' believe this is your great plan.
[ There's sigh number one for the day, rolling his eyes up in exasperation. This is what he gets for not explaining. ]
Maybe he would snap your neck, Dean, but this isn't about that. You weren't there. [ And he catches himself, unsure whether or not this is something they should be talking about a few days after Dean had started talking to him again. ] I think-- At the very least, he would listen to what it is I have to say.
[ He pauses. ] If he refuses, there's always your way.
[ The way that hasn't worked in years, but he doesn't say it. Just lets it sit heavy between them instead. ]
[ okay, fuck this doorway, dean is stepping into the room at that, expression hard as he raises a brow. ]
What the hell does that mean? I wasn't where?
[ speak up and explain your shit, cas. ] Why would the devil-- what're you not telling me here?
[ there's something more to this, isn't there? something deeper that's being kept from him. for a brief second, something falters over dean's face as he realizes as much, their previous fight, cas' secrets coming to mind, and he wonders if this--
When I couldn't do it. [ When he hadn't killed him. He's told Dean this. ] And I am telling you - he owes me.
[ Castiel assumes so anyway, and that's not something he's going to share with Dean. He'll take that up with Lucifer when he decides to confront him about it. He watches him for a moment or two, debating on the alternatives. If he fully explains everything, he's going to overreact and not bother to listen. If he gives him what he wants to hear--
It's a slippery slope either way, and he drops his arms to his sides, straightening up. ]
The details don't matter. He agrees, and all you have to do is be there. Let me do this. [ For you, for them. ]
[ And he's leaning into the argument now, stepping up to meet him so there's less space between them than before. This is something he's used to, and for some strange reason, he's glad it hasn't changed. Even if it's frustrating him to no end. ]
Why not try? If I die, I'll come back. If I don't-- [ Then Lucifer is going to be dead, though temporarily. ] Isn't that what you want?
[ Isn't that what he's always wanted? What he can't stop thinking about? ]
[ it takes only a couple words from cas for dean to react, to lash out. his hand shoots out, damaged arm and all, curls into the front of cas' shirt and hauls him closer- close enough for dean to all but growl in his face. ]
Not if it means you die-- [ he sucks in a breath then, the words laced with something fractured, angry.
death here, it shouldn't be taken so lightly. it's something dean hates about this place, or maybe only when it doesn't concern him. but he can't... he can't let cas die for some attempt at asking lucifer the dumbest thing ever.
grip tight, painfully so, dean doesn't even realize the newly stitched and bound wound is starting to dampen with a deeper red color as opposed to the pink stain from before. still, he doesn't let go, only gives cas a shake. ]
[ There's no fighting the fact he's angry, doing nothing to stop Dean from dragging him in by the front of his shirt and shaking him. Castiel's eyes are on his face, some attempt to decipher what it is he sees and what he hears.
It's such a funny thing, having thought Dean might not have cared.
And it's not as if Castiel takes it lightly. Dying isn't pleasant and the aftermath of it is worse than its cause, but having this here, having that audible evidence thrust in his face the way it is-- He has to consider what it's really supposed to mean. So he doesn't want him to die, but he would sacrifice himself instead? The hypocrisy is outstanding, and his own anger reflects back, gripping Dean's wrist and squeezing it hard. ]
Why? [ He scowls. ] I've done it before, and I will do it again if I have to.
[ Again and again and again. ]
We might not have another chance if we continue to wait.
[ despite the sharp pain around his wrist, dean doesn't let go of cas. hypocritical maybe, but dean has no problem with it, not when this is about cas' life and keeping him alive, too. he could die-- he could die a hundred times, but dean isn't about to let cas willingly walk to his death. not anymore.
maybe that's just another change that has come about with being in zelien. ]
No, you won't-- I won't let you.
[ there's finality in his voice, something that won't waver. ]
You and Sam, both of you just-- keep dyin'. It's because of me, and I can't--
[ sam by his own hand, cas by his command. but no more, no more. ]
[ All his anger builds until, with those words, it just... shorts itself out.
Castiel's face immediately softens, the tight curl of his fingers around Dean's wrist loosening a fraction to ease up on it. His eyes drop for a moment, catching the darkening stain of the bandage he'd placed over the stitches, and when he looks back at him, meets his gaze head-on, there's something gentle there. Understanding, a realization he hadn't seen until now. ]
It's not because of you. [ He slides his hand up to cup the fingers digging into his shirt. ] I trust Sam to know what he's doing, and I-- it's my choice.
[ How many times is he going to have to say that? ]
I decide what I want to do. Stop blaming yourself for my decisions.
[ he doesn't want gentle, he doesn't want-- this. he needs cas to understand that he can't do this, that he cant' approach lucifer with some half-assed plan about talking, about asking for his death. the devil won't do it, and it'll end with cas broken and dead on the ground.
and he might not come back.
he might not return. ]
It's still your blood on my hands.
[ his arm is a mess by now, staining deeper with every passing minute. but he doesn't care, just clings to cas like if he lets go he'll lose him for good.
when did it turn like this, when did he start caring-- ]
Whatever's going to be left after this, whatever they're meant to have isn't going to be easy. Nothing ever is, reminding himself of that fact as he looks at Dean and listens to him and desperately tries to fight the urge to push him away. He can do this, he wants to argue. He knows he can. Because he doesn't have the strength of an angel doesn't make him weak or useless, and he's thought about it, every possible outcome--
Maybe it won't do any good. Maybe this is stupid, and they should stop trying before it turns out wrong. Last night, the week before. The weeks before that too. All of it comes to together and ends sour with this mission of theirs. ]
Then what do you want me to do?
[ The words are soft, mumbled under his breath, and Castiel drops his gaze to Dean's arm. He needs to see to it, fix it so it stops hurting. But he can't. He doesn't have the touch, and everything he lays his hands on now turns bad. ]
Nothing we've done has ever worked. I have to do something.
it's insane, asking that. it's their mission, they should be taking any chance they can, but this is just too fishy, too unpredictable. and dean doesn't want to mess with death, not when it's cas' life on the line.
so he doesn't ask it. he bites back the words, those walls of sealing themselves shut over his face again. ]
We'll figure out something else-- I'll figure out something. But I won't put you in danger, and I won't let you either.
[ not anymore, when cas means something more to him than he might have ever realized.
he lets go of cas, steps back with his arms falling to his sides. and the threat that comes a moment later, it lacks the usual promise of violence despite the words. hell, his eyes are barely on cas as he says it; ]
[ Castiel keeps quiet after that, eyes still focused on his arm even as Dean pulls away and says what he thinks he should. His fearless leader, of course. Even if there's a hint of something else in what he's telling him, something he doesn't want to touch and almost feels afraid to point out, he can't help thinking that's what it's come down to. Because he lets Dean tell him what to do doesn't mean Castiel is going to listen, but he surrenders here, giving up the fight with only the slightest shake of his head.
The tension in his mouth says it too, the way his fingers curl at his side. ]
Okay. [ It's not okay. ] But you have to talk to me. Stop trying to do this by yourself.
[ Let him share in that weight. Let him take it from his shoulders and carry it for a while. It's only the two of them, despite Sam being there, and Castiel can't have Dean taking the brunt of the responsibility when he's willing to do so much more. There's a slight pause, and then, quiet as ever, he moves toward him to finally take hold of his injured arm to look at it. ]
I told you to be careful. [ Said as he pulls lightly at the bandage. ]
[ just like how cas doesn't promise to not go, dean can't promise to come to cas about anything. he can't, won't drag cas into the these messes, not anymore.
not in zelien. not if he can help it.
cas is reaching out to touch his arm when dean realizes he's saying something else. blinking down to where the other man's fingers go to touch the bandage, he's not sure what to say. so he doesn't say anything, just remains there, green scanning cas' face carefully... and then dropping to his newly bleeding wound.
it hurts, pulses of nerve twisting pain, throbbing through his arm again. ]
You don't have to worry.
[ he starts pulling away with that, intent on looking after the wound by himself. ]
[ Which is the entirely wrong thing to do, Castiel tightening his grip on Dean's forearm. ]
I know how to handle you - remember?
[ There's not even a hint of teasing in those words, rather serious despite the connotation they hold. What Dean had told him right before he'd passed out, of course, and Castiel had spent the entire night thinking about it in terms of just how true it was. He pulls him back in an effort to lead him closer to the table. A second passes, and he decides to be firm, using a rather familiar tone of voice. ]
Sit, and let me look at it. [ Don't argue with him. It'll only take a second. ]
[ the familiar tone only rubs him the wrong way, has him wanting to walk away, leave this all behind. this meeting -- conversation -- has gone so wrong, so unlike what he had expected walking into the room.
he needs the space, much like he had when he'd left early this morning, when he'd left cas behind to sleep longer. ]
[ He wants to keep pressing, but Castiel figures he's probably overstepped plenty with everything that's happened so far. So, he doesn't chase trying to take Dean's arm again. He doesn't bother looking at him either, expression tight and tension visible in his shoulders.
What's the point if it's just going to keep happening over and over again anyway? Castiel stands clueless as to what's going on between them, and his face falls just a fraction before he can shrug it off as best he can--like it doesn't matter he's being shoved out again. Which, of course, means lashing out in passive aggressive fashion. He grabs at the box and slides it right across the table at him. ]
Then take care of it.
[ Not another word, and he turns his back to him, moving across the room to grab some of his things so he can head out. ]
[ dean isn't entirely sure what's going on between them anymore either, but right now he doesn't care much, frustration and the pain from his arm mixing and creating a rather bad mood.
which results in one thing, and only one, when castiel sends the box his way with the snappy demand he take care of it.
dean shoves it back, sends the box skidding along the table rather roughly at that, the lid falling open and multiple things scattering out. ]
Don't need it.
[ he'll find his own way of fixing his arm... or not, but whatever. ]
[ Castiel's checking through the bag he usually carries with him when he hears the sound of various objects rolling around and dropping onto the floor, and he immediately stops, dropping the things in his hands to face him. He slowly walks back toward him, glancing from the box to Dean with a look that clearly says he's not amused. ]
Don't be stupid. [ He reaches for some of the gauze that's rolled out, tossing it back inside. ] Do you want it to get infected?
[ Castiel adds a few more random things back into it, and then, without really thinking about it, shoves it right back in Dean's direction. He's not going to tolerate his childish behavior because he won't tell him what's going on or where he'd been or why he'd ran out before he'd woken up. Why he won't let support the idea he's presented him with. ]
[ this is pathetic, dean knows. but he's feeling petty, has had his feathers ruffled something fierce, and what with talk of cas' stupid plan-- he could be doing better. cas' calm demeanor doesn't nothing help him, or the way he picks up the fallen items and places them back.
once it's shove back at him, it takes very little for dean to snap. all of it builds over, everything that's between them. the unspoken, the spoken, this anger and worry and want-- it's all there, a mumbled mess dean has no hope of clearing.
of understanding. and he wonders if he ever will.
the box goes flying this time, swiped off the table and clattering onto the floor with force. ]
Don't tell me what to do.
[ even if his arm burns, the pain of it spreading. but his hand remains curled into a fist at his side, tense despite the wound. ]
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Date: 2014-03-30 10:31 pm (UTC)So? Talk. What's the plan.
[ he's all ears. aggressive, moody ears, too, apparently. ]
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Date: 2014-03-30 10:56 pm (UTC)It's more a... suggestion. [ Because he doesn't even know if it's actually going to work, and that's a bad plan. ] Since trapping him didn't work before-- It might be easier to ask.
[ Since there's something Castiel has over him that no one else has right now. ]
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Date: 2014-03-30 11:03 pm (UTC)Ask him what exactly?
[ asking means using words instead of, you know, violence, which is a much more preferred method when it comes to dealing with the devil, if you ask dean. ]
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Date: 2014-03-30 11:19 pm (UTC)[ And okay. Maybe it sounds... somewhat ridiculous being phrased like that, but he's thought about this since they'd left that other world behind and returned to Zelien. Between the arguments, the constant ups and downs they've been through-- No one has considered that option before. Besides, death isn't permanent, and he means it to be something they must address rather than something they continuously try and fail to do. ]
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Date: 2014-03-30 11:22 pm (UTC)I don't know how you managed to hit your fuckin' head between now and last night, but that's the dumbest fucking thing I've heard in a long time.
[ what the fucking fuck, cas? ]
Why the hell would he just let us kill him? He'll snap our necks way before he lets something like that happen. [ he pushes off from the doorway then, like he's three seconds away from leaving. still, he turns to cas again. ] Hell-- I can't even freakin' believe this is your great plan.
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Date: 2014-03-30 11:32 pm (UTC)Maybe he would snap your neck, Dean, but this isn't about that. You weren't there. [ And he catches himself, unsure whether or not this is something they should be talking about a few days after Dean had started talking to him again. ] I think-- At the very least, he would listen to what it is I have to say.
[ He pauses. ] If he refuses, there's always your way.
[ The way that hasn't worked in years, but he doesn't say it. Just lets it sit heavy between them instead. ]
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Date: 2014-03-30 11:44 pm (UTC)What the hell does that mean? I wasn't where?
[ speak up and explain your shit, cas. ] Why would the devil-- what're you not telling me here?
[ there's something more to this, isn't there? something deeper that's being kept from him. for a brief second, something falters over dean's face as he realizes as much, their previous fight, cas' secrets coming to mind, and he wonders if this--
if this is something like that, again. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 12:04 am (UTC)[ Castiel assumes so anyway, and that's not something he's going to share with Dean. He'll take that up with Lucifer when he decides to confront him about it. He watches him for a moment or two, debating on the alternatives. If he fully explains everything, he's going to overreact and not bother to listen. If he gives him what he wants to hear--
It's a slippery slope either way, and he drops his arms to his sides, straightening up. ]
The details don't matter. He agrees, and all you have to do is be there. Let me do this. [ For you, for them. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 12:27 am (UTC)dean is further in the room, rounding on cas with a vicious tone. ]
He's gonna play you, dumbass. [ it's the devil, there is no making deals with him, no letting him fucking kill him-- none of that crap. ]
I'm not letting you do this, Cas, there's no way.
[ he's not letting cas get killed over something this dumb, this moronic. ]
So just forget it, right now.
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Date: 2014-03-31 12:38 am (UTC)[ And he's leaning into the argument now, stepping up to meet him so there's less space between them than before. This is something he's used to, and for some strange reason, he's glad it hasn't changed. Even if it's frustrating him to no end. ]
Why not try? If I die, I'll come back. If I don't-- [ Then Lucifer is going to be dead, though temporarily. ] Isn't that what you want?
[ Isn't that what he's always wanted? What he can't stop thinking about? ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 12:51 am (UTC)Not if it means you die-- [ he sucks in a breath then, the words laced with something fractured, angry.
death here, it shouldn't be taken so lightly. it's something dean hates about this place, or maybe only when it doesn't concern him. but he can't... he can't let cas die for some attempt at asking lucifer the dumbest thing ever.
grip tight, painfully so, dean doesn't even realize the newly stitched and bound wound is starting to dampen with a deeper red color as opposed to the pink stain from before. still, he doesn't let go, only gives cas a shake. ]
I can't have that-- so don't you dare.
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Date: 2014-03-31 01:04 am (UTC)It's such a funny thing, having thought Dean might not have cared.
And it's not as if Castiel takes it lightly. Dying isn't pleasant and the aftermath of it is worse than its cause, but having this here, having that audible evidence thrust in his face the way it is-- He has to consider what it's really supposed to mean. So he doesn't want him to die, but he would sacrifice himself instead? The hypocrisy is outstanding, and his own anger reflects back, gripping Dean's wrist and squeezing it hard. ]
Why? [ He scowls. ] I've done it before, and I will do it again if I have to.
[ Again and again and again. ]
We might not have another chance if we continue to wait.
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Date: 2014-03-31 02:15 am (UTC)maybe that's just another change that has come about with being in zelien. ]
No, you won't-- I won't let you.
[ there's finality in his voice, something that won't waver. ]
You and Sam, both of you just-- keep dyin'. It's because of me, and I can't--
[ sam by his own hand, cas by his command. but no more, no more. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 02:34 am (UTC)Castiel's face immediately softens, the tight curl of his fingers around Dean's wrist loosening a fraction to ease up on it. His eyes drop for a moment, catching the darkening stain of the bandage he'd placed over the stitches, and when he looks back at him, meets his gaze head-on, there's something gentle there. Understanding, a realization he hadn't seen until now. ]
It's not because of you. [ He slides his hand up to cup the fingers digging into his shirt. ] I trust Sam to know what he's doing, and I-- it's my choice.
[ How many times is he going to have to say that? ]
I decide what I want to do. Stop blaming yourself for my decisions.
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Date: 2014-03-31 02:55 am (UTC)and he might not come back.
he might not return. ]
It's still your blood on my hands.
[ his arm is a mess by now, staining deeper with every passing minute. but he doesn't care, just clings to cas like if he lets go he'll lose him for good.
when did it turn like this, when did he start caring-- ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 03:06 am (UTC)Whatever's going to be left after this, whatever they're meant to have isn't going to be easy. Nothing ever is, reminding himself of that fact as he looks at Dean and listens to him and desperately tries to fight the urge to push him away. He can do this, he wants to argue. He knows he can. Because he doesn't have the strength of an angel doesn't make him weak or useless, and he's thought about it, every possible outcome--
Maybe it won't do any good. Maybe this is stupid, and they should stop trying before it turns out wrong. Last night, the week before. The weeks before that too. All of it comes to together and ends sour with this mission of theirs. ]
Then what do you want me to do?
[ The words are soft, mumbled under his breath, and Castiel drops his gaze to Dean's arm. He needs to see to it, fix it so it stops hurting. But he can't. He doesn't have the touch, and everything he lays his hands on now turns bad. ]
Nothing we've done has ever worked. I have to do something.
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Date: 2014-03-31 03:22 am (UTC)Just-- [ don't do it.
it's insane, asking that. it's their mission, they should be taking any chance they can, but this is just too fishy, too unpredictable. and dean doesn't want to mess with death, not when it's cas' life on the line.
so he doesn't ask it. he bites back the words, those walls of sealing themselves shut over his face again. ]
We'll figure out something else-- I'll figure out something. But I won't put you in danger, and I won't let you either.
[ not anymore, when cas means something more to him than he might have ever realized.
he lets go of cas, steps back with his arms falling to his sides. and the threat that comes a moment later, it lacks the usual promise of violence despite the words. hell, his eyes are barely on cas as he says it; ]
If you do this... I'll make you regret it.
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Date: 2014-03-31 04:34 am (UTC)The tension in his mouth says it too, the way his fingers curl at his side. ]
Okay. [ It's not okay. ] But you have to talk to me. Stop trying to do this by yourself.
[ Let him share in that weight. Let him take it from his shoulders and carry it for a while. It's only the two of them, despite Sam being there, and Castiel can't have Dean taking the brunt of the responsibility when he's willing to do so much more. There's a slight pause, and then, quiet as ever, he moves toward him to finally take hold of his injured arm to look at it. ]
I told you to be careful. [ Said as he pulls lightly at the bandage. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 05:10 am (UTC)not in zelien. not if he can help it.
cas is reaching out to touch his arm when dean realizes he's saying something else. blinking down to where the other man's fingers go to touch the bandage, he's not sure what to say. so he doesn't say anything, just remains there, green scanning cas' face carefully... and then dropping to his newly bleeding wound.
it hurts, pulses of nerve twisting pain, throbbing through his arm again. ]
You don't have to worry.
[ he starts pulling away with that, intent on looking after the wound by himself. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 05:28 am (UTC)I know how to handle you - remember?
[ There's not even a hint of teasing in those words, rather serious despite the connotation they hold. What Dean had told him right before he'd passed out, of course, and Castiel had spent the entire night thinking about it in terms of just how true it was. He pulls him back in an effort to lead him closer to the table. A second passes, and he decides to be firm, using a rather familiar tone of voice. ]
Sit, and let me look at it. [ Don't argue with him. It'll only take a second. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 05:41 am (UTC)Just another thing I shouldn't have said.
[ the familiar tone only rubs him the wrong way, has him wanting to walk away, leave this all behind. this meeting -- conversation -- has gone so wrong, so unlike what he had expected walking into the room.
he needs the space, much like he had when he'd left early this morning, when he'd left cas behind to sleep longer. ]
I can take care of it.
[ said as he snatches his hand back. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 05:49 am (UTC)What's the point if it's just going to keep happening over and over again anyway? Castiel stands clueless as to what's going on between them, and his face falls just a fraction before he can shrug it off as best he can--like it doesn't matter he's being shoved out again. Which, of course, means lashing out in passive aggressive fashion. He grabs at the box and slides it right across the table at him. ]
Then take care of it.
[ Not another word, and he turns his back to him, moving across the room to grab some of his things so he can head out. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 06:05 am (UTC)which results in one thing, and only one, when castiel sends the box his way with the snappy demand he take care of it.
dean shoves it back, sends the box skidding along the table rather roughly at that, the lid falling open and multiple things scattering out. ]
Don't need it.
[ he'll find his own way of fixing his arm... or not, but whatever. ]
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Date: 2014-03-31 06:23 am (UTC)Don't be stupid. [ He reaches for some of the gauze that's rolled out, tossing it back inside. ] Do you want it to get infected?
[ Castiel adds a few more random things back into it, and then, without really thinking about it, shoves it right back in Dean's direction. He's not going to tolerate his childish behavior because he won't tell him what's going on or where he'd been or why he'd ran out before he'd woken up. Why he won't let support the idea he's presented him with. ]
Use it.
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Date: 2014-03-31 06:43 am (UTC)once it's shove back at him, it takes very little for dean to snap. all of it builds over, everything that's between them. the unspoken, the spoken, this anger and worry and want-- it's all there, a mumbled mess dean has no hope of clearing.
of understanding. and he wonders if he ever will.
the box goes flying this time, swiped off the table and clattering onto the floor with force. ]
Don't tell me what to do.
[ even if his arm burns, the pain of it spreading. but his hand remains curled into a fist at his side, tense despite the wound. ]
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