[ just like how cas doesn't promise to not go, dean can't promise to come to cas about anything. he can't, won't drag cas into the these messes, not anymore.
not in zelien. not if he can help it.
cas is reaching out to touch his arm when dean realizes he's saying something else. blinking down to where the other man's fingers go to touch the bandage, he's not sure what to say. so he doesn't say anything, just remains there, green scanning cas' face carefully... and then dropping to his newly bleeding wound.
it hurts, pulses of nerve twisting pain, throbbing through his arm again. ]
You don't have to worry.
[ he starts pulling away with that, intent on looking after the wound by himself. ]
[ Which is the entirely wrong thing to do, Castiel tightening his grip on Dean's forearm. ]
I know how to handle you - remember?
[ There's not even a hint of teasing in those words, rather serious despite the connotation they hold. What Dean had told him right before he'd passed out, of course, and Castiel had spent the entire night thinking about it in terms of just how true it was. He pulls him back in an effort to lead him closer to the table. A second passes, and he decides to be firm, using a rather familiar tone of voice. ]
Sit, and let me look at it. [ Don't argue with him. It'll only take a second. ]
[ the familiar tone only rubs him the wrong way, has him wanting to walk away, leave this all behind. this meeting -- conversation -- has gone so wrong, so unlike what he had expected walking into the room.
he needs the space, much like he had when he'd left early this morning, when he'd left cas behind to sleep longer. ]
[ He wants to keep pressing, but Castiel figures he's probably overstepped plenty with everything that's happened so far. So, he doesn't chase trying to take Dean's arm again. He doesn't bother looking at him either, expression tight and tension visible in his shoulders.
What's the point if it's just going to keep happening over and over again anyway? Castiel stands clueless as to what's going on between them, and his face falls just a fraction before he can shrug it off as best he can--like it doesn't matter he's being shoved out again. Which, of course, means lashing out in passive aggressive fashion. He grabs at the box and slides it right across the table at him. ]
Then take care of it.
[ Not another word, and he turns his back to him, moving across the room to grab some of his things so he can head out. ]
[ dean isn't entirely sure what's going on between them anymore either, but right now he doesn't care much, frustration and the pain from his arm mixing and creating a rather bad mood.
which results in one thing, and only one, when castiel sends the box his way with the snappy demand he take care of it.
dean shoves it back, sends the box skidding along the table rather roughly at that, the lid falling open and multiple things scattering out. ]
Don't need it.
[ he'll find his own way of fixing his arm... or not, but whatever. ]
[ Castiel's checking through the bag he usually carries with him when he hears the sound of various objects rolling around and dropping onto the floor, and he immediately stops, dropping the things in his hands to face him. He slowly walks back toward him, glancing from the box to Dean with a look that clearly says he's not amused. ]
Don't be stupid. [ He reaches for some of the gauze that's rolled out, tossing it back inside. ] Do you want it to get infected?
[ Castiel adds a few more random things back into it, and then, without really thinking about it, shoves it right back in Dean's direction. He's not going to tolerate his childish behavior because he won't tell him what's going on or where he'd been or why he'd ran out before he'd woken up. Why he won't let support the idea he's presented him with. ]
[ this is pathetic, dean knows. but he's feeling petty, has had his feathers ruffled something fierce, and what with talk of cas' stupid plan-- he could be doing better. cas' calm demeanor doesn't nothing help him, or the way he picks up the fallen items and places them back.
once it's shove back at him, it takes very little for dean to snap. all of it builds over, everything that's between them. the unspoken, the spoken, this anger and worry and want-- it's all there, a mumbled mess dean has no hope of clearing.
of understanding. and he wonders if he ever will.
the box goes flying this time, swiped off the table and clattering onto the floor with force. ]
Don't tell me what to do.
[ even if his arm burns, the pain of it spreading. but his hand remains curled into a fist at his side, tense despite the wound. ]
[ He stands there with his hands resting flat on the table, oddly composed through the tantrum and mess Dean creates by pushing everything onto the floor. Clean bandages, antiseptic, needles, and plenty of other things they'd kept just in case--it didn't mean anything now. He looks at it for a second before stepping back and immediately rounding the table to crowd right into that precious personal space of his. ]
And then what? [ He never listens to him anyway. Why should this be any different? ] Are you going to do that to me too?
[ Throw him away, ignore him. Pretend it doesn't matter. Castiel catches himself before he can say anything else, breath a little ragged from getting so worked up over this. Which shouldn't surprise him. They fight all the time anymore about everything. But it makes him shake, makes him think outrageously idiotic things. He's so close to walking out-- ]
[ finally, a spark of anger. something for dean to latch onto, to use against him, something--
the words stop him short. are you going to do that to me too?
of course not, he wants to say, to snap. wants to press it against cas' mouth, a desire that sparks even if he's so angry right now, could hurt something, twist it until it screams. he steps closer, too, eyes flashing dangerously like he's ready to shove cas. ]
And you were bein' a moron.
[ with that idiotic plan. ]
Hell, I'm freakin' surprised you haven't left yet.
[ He meets him head-on, eyes level with his and expression set into something vacant and thin around the edges of his mouth. It's not so much anger as it is doubt that wages war inside him, squeezing his fingers until they hurt. Then, it's just a matter of lifting a hand and prodding him in the chest. ]
Stop tempting me. [ Push, push, push. His finger bends a little. ] Or I will.
[ Despite the fact he doesn't want to. That's not why he's here. That's not why he puts himself through all of this. That's not why he'd thought Dean would see reason in Castiel coming to him in the first place. His plan isn't meant for the present; it's meant to be long-term, to be settled in the future so they don't have to worry about things like this. So there might actually be something worth doing with the rest of their lives that doesn't include Lucifer or Zelien. A lost cause, perhaps, but Castiel hopes.
His face scrunches a bit, words slipping free. ]
I don't understand you. Why is it so difficult for you to let me-- [ He scoffs. ] Never mind. [ Nope. Not asking. He shakes his head and turns away in order to pick up the things on the floor. ]
[ it's maybe the first time cas is forcing him to realize that, yes, it's mostly due to dean's actions that castiel ever leaves, that it's his fault, in the end. it has him stopping even with cas in his face the way he is... that is, if it weren't for the multiple jabs to the chest.
anyone else, and he'd break their arm for it.
dean's brow bunches together at the words left unsaid, and when cas turns away from him, he's already reaching out, hand clamping down onto his shoulder, twisting him back. there's no running from him, from his, he won't allow it. ]
No, you're gonna explain. Let you what? Walk to your goddamn death? Throw away everything at a chance to ask Lucifer for his life?
[ because he wants to know, and if it's something bad, he wants it out now instead of later. his hand grips down harder at the demand, too, ]
[ He immediately sags under the pressure of that hand, and there's a discomforting noise that leaves him when Dean presses down. It's simply a reaction, one Castiel has no real control over, but he's turning it over before he can think about it, his own arm up and reflexes trying to knock Dean's hold away. His other hand lashes out to grip the front of his clothes, curling tight.
There's a scowl across his face, somewhere very far away until he blinks Dean into focus. ]
What would I be throwing away? [ It's a breath, forcing himself to calm down. ] This is about you now - not Lucifer.
[ He'd thought they were done with that conversation. Even if he hadn't promised not to go asking, it doesn't mean he feels like pursuing an argument about it. His eyes flicker to the wound, up to Dean's face and focus briefly on his mouth. ]
Let me help you. [ That's all he feels he can do anymore. ]
it steals his breath from him in an instant. effortlessly leaves dean staring at cas like he's just sucker punched him out of nowhere. maybe he has no right to be surprised, but he is, and as much is clearly written on his face. his voice is strained now, attempting to remain sure, firm, but it's not. there's a crack, here and there, so angry, so upset. ]
You want to help me, but you also want to throw your life away over the most stupid plan? Make up your freakin' mind, Cas. But don't-- don't pin this on me, I've told you how you can help-- [ don't do this, stay with me ] -- and it ain't by tossin' away your life.
[ breathing heavy by now, he's looking right at cas, right into those familiar eyes and just willing him to see things his way. pleading him to. his voice is lower, quieter next. ]
You patchin' me up is great and all, but what I really need from you is for you to stay safe.
[ And where was that mentality the first time he'd done it? The second? Castiel catches himself before he can ask it, leaning in closer and really looking at him. He stares hard, narrowed in on the sharp green of Dean's eyes and the fading surprise flush across those features. Why does he suddenly care so much when the last several years had been the mission and only the mission? Ignoring each other and still trying to work together.
Why. ]
Do you even know what you're saying? [ His fingers tremble the tighter he grips Dean's clothes. ] It's impossible to stay safe in a place like this. We have to do everything we can-- I can't do both, Dean.
[ He forces himself to ease up, idly smoothing his hand over the front of his chest and along his shoulder. It does nothing for his nerves, wound so tight he's close to shaking and never stopping. Like so many other things between them, this feels important. This... is shaping them and making them, writing a different story that should have ended months ago. ]
You have to believe that I'll still be here tomorrow. Trust me.
[ he knows what he says contradicts everything, how everything he feels contradicts, too. ]
I know it doesn't add up, Cas, but... [ i can't lose you, can't go through that, not here, not anymore.
it feels like everything's changed, from his mission and very meaning, to how he sees those around him. it's still hard to care, most of the time, to find the effort and desire to see those around him well. aside from sam and cas, that is. especially with the latter, with his friend standing in front of him, gripping his shirt and telling him he can't do both. ]
How can I believe that when you come to me with these plans?
[ suicidal plans, plans that have no way of working, plans that will get him killed one way or another. he doesn't trust it to work, doesn't trust cas to not do it, either.
curling a hand over to his own shoulder, it covers cas', soothes the trembling. ]
I used to not believe in a tomorrow, but now... I don't- [ it's hard to force the words out, quiet as they are. ] I don't want to face one alone.
[ Of course it doesn't add up, he wants to say. Yell, shove, and push it at him. Of course it doesn't. Because if it did, they wouldn't be here doing this to each other. He wouldn't be confusing him to the point it's stopped making sense. He wouldn't want things he shouldn't be allowed to. He's hardly done anything to warrant it, after all, and Castiel opens his mouth to defend those plans -- they were his -- but pulls up short with the rest of what Dean says.
i don't want to face one alone
Alone? His eyes drop to the hand over his, and it's like his heart is pushing up to pound in his throat, locking it tight so it's difficult to form a response. He swallows and tilts his head back to look at him. This is... more than he could have ever thought. It's like he's not even hearing it, not really, and he steps back, like he's trying to run from it before he surrenders to that pull.
He practically crashes into him getting both arms around him, curling tight around him and pressing into the hug with every inch of his body. ]
You're not alone. [ Never has been. Never will be. They'd have to destroy him entirely to make such a thing possible, and Castiel tucks his face against the side of his neck, holding onto him with every intention of not letting him go. ]
[ castiel steps away, and dean feels the beginning of something cold shooting up his spine, something fragile and hidden begin to crack. but it never gets the chance to, never breaks because next thing dean knows, cas is pressed right against him, all warmth and comfort, the scent of him, the feel of him all there suddenly. all along with his arms crushing around him, so tightly, a hug--
dean's sucked in a sharp breath, surprise and shock in the sound of it as he tenses up.
you're not alone.
he feels cas' breath on his neck, the line of his nose, the shape of his mouth. it takes a minute, two, until he finally relaxes some. his own arms come around cas too, despite the pain shooting up one, hands at castiel's hips, then sliding to the small of his back. hugs are few and far between, but this is... it's nice, so much nicer than he could have imagined.
he wants cas there. he doesn't want to be alone, not because of their mission, never because of that.
cas has been sent to his death once, already. dean won't let that happen again. ]
[ He keeps his eyes closed and just breathes him in.
Of what he's learned, of the things he's still processing, this has to be the most important piece to the winding puzzle that's become his life. Mortal and terribly so, lost to the hands of time and age and cracking under the weight of it all-- It's this small bit of hope that keeps him afloat, stays him and stops him from drowning under the waves of his own misery. There's a soft sound of approval when Dean returns the embrace, gently easing back to look at him from this particular angle.
The slight smear of freckles across his nose and cheeks, the depth behind Dean's eyes. Castiel's never really noticed it before, never dared to allow himself to. Lightly, he rests his forehead along the line of his jaw. ]
Do you understand? [ It's mumbled, soft. ] As long as we-- I won't leave you, Dean.
dean smothers the words, instead lets himself soak in what cas is telling him with that soft firmness. there will always be that part in him, the self-hating, darkness that won't let himself believe in the simplest words, the good that he could have if he only allowed it for himself. and this, too, threatens to be too much, too fast.
too important. yet he'd let the words slip, the truth slip of what he fears so much. ]
I-- yes.
[ a breath, and dean draws back, just enough to look at him. ]
Thank you.
[ his hand slides up, high until it's burying into castiel's hair, fingers disappearing into threads of thick, black hair. cradling his skull, keeping him there, dean's mouth is on cas' a moment later. it's calm and controlled, yet there's a desperate note in the way dean presses into it, deepens the kiss almost immediately-- like he needs this right now, needs to feel it, taste it.
And he wants to make sure that yes isn't just some automatic response, trying to lean back again to see his face. Yet, there are hands pressing to his head, sifting through his hair and holding him still. Precious, careful, and it's really-- It's still surprising to feel the weight of his lips, the taste of his mouth like it's normal. Like they've always been doing this. More kisses in the span of forty-eight hours than he can count since that first time in the dark...
He's only passive for a moment, letting the shift and slide of it overtake him before he reacts. His palms bear down lightly on Dean's shoulders, stretching up to give him what he wants and take what he needs. Castiel bites at his bottom lip, touches his tongue to the spot to soothe it.
It's a breathy sort of kiss by the time he realizes it, still firm but gentle. The quietest sort of promise he can give him. ]
You-- [ don't have to.
There is no thanks in this, no thanks for what he's freely offering up. In his own way, perhaps it's trying to reconcile all the wrong he's done since he'd disregarded Heaven and stayed behind in a dying world. Perhaps it's just Castiel being selfish. One in the same, eventually, and he kisses the corner of his mouth. ] I'm always here for you.
[ dean's pressing deeper into the kiss, even more so than before, licking the very words from cas' mouth. he doesn't let gentle linger for long, goes for something hungrier in seconds. those words, they keep sparking something in him, something warm and wanting and-- something he hasn't felt in so long.
something he only feels with cas these days.
it's almost terrifying. ]
Thank you, thank you--
[ to the side of his mouth, bitten into his bottom lip, licked into his mouth. dean presses the words against cas' skin over and over, mumbles them between breaths as he kisses him again and again, deeper with each taste. for cas to promise something like that means he has to promise care for his own life. and that's what dean wants, he needs to know cas will be there tomorrow, like he says he will be, that dean won't have to worry about his friend doing something moronic in the future.
so he kisses his thank yous because it's the only way he knows. kisses each one into a new place, to the angle of his jaw, to the slope of his neck. he even dips down, bites it into cas' collar, desperate for him to understand how much that promise means to him. ]
Each little touch, every kiss and all the words whispered into his skin burn down into his chest and settle hard in his belly like a weight he just can't lift. It's suffocating and stings. Or maybe that's the drag of teeth along his collarbone. He isn't quite certain which, shutting out the world and clutching at him in his own desperate attempt to hold him close. Why this is so different than anything he's ever experienced is difficult to describe. There are no words, only action and reaction. ]
Dean...
[ Castiel almost trips over the word, breathless when his hands slip from those shoulders and slide between them. He grips at the front of his clothes again, yanking and pulling and taking a step back. After last night, after today and everything, he just needs to be close to him. Because Castiel craves that affection, the lack of proximity and the urgency of knowing the silence in his head can be overwritten. He wants, but--
But.
His breaths are heavy, eyes still closed tight, and his mouth hovers over Dean's, noses touching as he waits to wake up. Waits for this to stop being real, waits for Dean to kiss him again so he doesn't have to. ]
[ dean hasn't let himself get lost in anything for a long, long time. this thing happening between them, it's the first time in ages, growing into something he wants to just sink into. the warmth of cas' mouth, the slide of tongues and taste which fills his senses lights his body on fire in a way he'd thought himself incapable of for a while now.
it has him licking the soft breath of his name right from cas' lips, covering his mouth with his own, biting into it.
and when he's marking his way down his skin, biting and licking, he loses track of time. only the simple echo of thank you rings through his head, each one punctuated into castiel's neck, collar...
all until he's nose to nose with his friend, breathing hard and skin flushed. the shape of his mouth finds castiel's cheek, suddenly light, then the side of his face...
much like the fire, the gentleness is something he thought had died with sam all those years ago. ]
Yeah?
[ pressed to his forehead, then down to the corner of his mouth. ]
He's silent for a long time, thinking so many of those things and saying nothing at all in response. Castiel lets Dean take what he wants from him, incredibly pliant beneath his mouth and hands. Normally, he's much more interactive, but there's something almost sweet about the attention Dean is giving him. Each bite and kiss and lick-- He doesn't want to let go of any of that. He wants to take it and keep it for himself.
Slowly, he blinks his eyes open with the softness, and the warmth that settles in his chest is abrupt and welcome both. A slight tilt of his head, lifting a hand to settle just below the bandage that'd been forgotten. ]
[ dean hasn't had much time to just be, to just kiss someone who is willing, pliant, and warm underneath his hands and mouth. it's a nice change, something he wouldn't mind getting used to again.
you can't his mind whispers, you'll only lose him.
dean smothers the voice for now, breathing in cas' words and then huffs something of an amused sound. ]
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no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 05:10 am (UTC)not in zelien. not if he can help it.
cas is reaching out to touch his arm when dean realizes he's saying something else. blinking down to where the other man's fingers go to touch the bandage, he's not sure what to say. so he doesn't say anything, just remains there, green scanning cas' face carefully... and then dropping to his newly bleeding wound.
it hurts, pulses of nerve twisting pain, throbbing through his arm again. ]
You don't have to worry.
[ he starts pulling away with that, intent on looking after the wound by himself. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 05:28 am (UTC)I know how to handle you - remember?
[ There's not even a hint of teasing in those words, rather serious despite the connotation they hold. What Dean had told him right before he'd passed out, of course, and Castiel had spent the entire night thinking about it in terms of just how true it was. He pulls him back in an effort to lead him closer to the table. A second passes, and he decides to be firm, using a rather familiar tone of voice. ]
Sit, and let me look at it. [ Don't argue with him. It'll only take a second. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 05:41 am (UTC)Just another thing I shouldn't have said.
[ the familiar tone only rubs him the wrong way, has him wanting to walk away, leave this all behind. this meeting -- conversation -- has gone so wrong, so unlike what he had expected walking into the room.
he needs the space, much like he had when he'd left early this morning, when he'd left cas behind to sleep longer. ]
I can take care of it.
[ said as he snatches his hand back. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 05:49 am (UTC)What's the point if it's just going to keep happening over and over again anyway? Castiel stands clueless as to what's going on between them, and his face falls just a fraction before he can shrug it off as best he can--like it doesn't matter he's being shoved out again. Which, of course, means lashing out in passive aggressive fashion. He grabs at the box and slides it right across the table at him. ]
Then take care of it.
[ Not another word, and he turns his back to him, moving across the room to grab some of his things so he can head out. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 06:05 am (UTC)which results in one thing, and only one, when castiel sends the box his way with the snappy demand he take care of it.
dean shoves it back, sends the box skidding along the table rather roughly at that, the lid falling open and multiple things scattering out. ]
Don't need it.
[ he'll find his own way of fixing his arm... or not, but whatever. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 06:23 am (UTC)Don't be stupid. [ He reaches for some of the gauze that's rolled out, tossing it back inside. ] Do you want it to get infected?
[ Castiel adds a few more random things back into it, and then, without really thinking about it, shoves it right back in Dean's direction. He's not going to tolerate his childish behavior because he won't tell him what's going on or where he'd been or why he'd ran out before he'd woken up. Why he won't let support the idea he's presented him with. ]
Use it.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 06:43 am (UTC)once it's shove back at him, it takes very little for dean to snap. all of it builds over, everything that's between them. the unspoken, the spoken, this anger and worry and want-- it's all there, a mumbled mess dean has no hope of clearing.
of understanding. and he wonders if he ever will.
the box goes flying this time, swiped off the table and clattering onto the floor with force. ]
Don't tell me what to do.
[ even if his arm burns, the pain of it spreading. but his hand remains curled into a fist at his side, tense despite the wound. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 07:00 am (UTC)And then what? [ He never listens to him anyway. Why should this be any different? ] Are you going to do that to me too?
[ Throw him away, ignore him. Pretend it doesn't matter. Castiel catches himself before he can say anything else, breath a little ragged from getting so worked up over this. Which shouldn't surprise him. They fight all the time anymore about everything. But it makes him shake, makes him think outrageously idiotic things. He's so close to walking out-- ]
You're being petulant.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 07:22 am (UTC)the words stop him short. are you going to do that to me too?
of course not, he wants to say, to snap. wants to press it against cas' mouth, a desire that sparks even if he's so angry right now, could hurt something, twist it until it screams. he steps closer, too, eyes flashing dangerously like he's ready to shove cas. ]
And you were bein' a moron.
[ with that idiotic plan. ]
Hell, I'm freakin' surprised you haven't left yet.
[ it's what you do, right. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 07:32 am (UTC)Stop tempting me. [ Push, push, push. His finger bends a little. ] Or I will.
[ Despite the fact he doesn't want to. That's not why he's here. That's not why he puts himself through all of this. That's not why he'd thought Dean would see reason in Castiel coming to him in the first place. His plan isn't meant for the present; it's meant to be long-term, to be settled in the future so they don't have to worry about things like this. So there might actually be something worth doing with the rest of their lives that doesn't include Lucifer or Zelien. A lost cause, perhaps, but Castiel hopes.
His face scrunches a bit, words slipping free. ]
I don't understand you. Why is it so difficult for you to let me-- [ He scoffs. ] Never mind. [ Nope. Not asking. He shakes his head and turns away in order to pick up the things on the floor. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 07:45 am (UTC)anyone else, and he'd break their arm for it.
dean's brow bunches together at the words left unsaid, and when cas turns away from him, he's already reaching out, hand clamping down onto his shoulder, twisting him back. there's no running from him, from his, he won't allow it. ]
No, you're gonna explain. Let you what? Walk to your goddamn death? Throw away everything at a chance to ask Lucifer for his life?
[ because he wants to know, and if it's something bad, he wants it out now instead of later. his hand grips down harder at the demand, too, ]
Out with it.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 06:39 pm (UTC)There's a scowl across his face, somewhere very far away until he blinks Dean into focus. ]
What would I be throwing away? [ It's a breath, forcing himself to calm down. ] This is about you now - not Lucifer.
[ He'd thought they were done with that conversation. Even if he hadn't promised not to go asking, it doesn't mean he feels like pursuing an argument about it. His eyes flicker to the wound, up to Dean's face and focus briefly on his mouth. ]
Let me help you. [ That's all he feels he can do anymore. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 07:17 pm (UTC)it steals his breath from him in an instant. effortlessly leaves dean staring at cas like he's just sucker punched him out of nowhere. maybe he has no right to be surprised, but he is, and as much is clearly written on his face. his voice is strained now, attempting to remain sure, firm, but it's not. there's a crack, here and there, so angry, so upset. ]
You want to help me, but you also want to throw your life away over the most stupid plan? Make up your freakin' mind, Cas. But don't-- don't pin this on me, I've told you how you can help-- [ don't do this, stay with me ] -- and it ain't by tossin' away your life.
[ breathing heavy by now, he's looking right at cas, right into those familiar eyes and just willing him to see things his way. pleading him to. his voice is lower, quieter next. ]
You patchin' me up is great and all, but what I really need from you is for you to stay safe.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 09:40 pm (UTC)Why. ]
Do you even know what you're saying? [ His fingers tremble the tighter he grips Dean's clothes. ] It's impossible to stay safe in a place like this. We have to do everything we can-- I can't do both, Dean.
[ He forces himself to ease up, idly smoothing his hand over the front of his chest and along his shoulder. It does nothing for his nerves, wound so tight he's close to shaking and never stopping. Like so many other things between them, this feels important. This... is shaping them and making them, writing a different story that should have ended months ago. ]
You have to believe that I'll still be here tomorrow. Trust me.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 11:25 pm (UTC)I know it doesn't add up, Cas, but... [ i can't lose you, can't go through that, not here, not anymore.
it feels like everything's changed, from his mission and very meaning, to how he sees those around him. it's still hard to care, most of the time, to find the effort and desire to see those around him well. aside from sam and cas, that is. especially with the latter, with his friend standing in front of him, gripping his shirt and telling him he can't do both. ]
How can I believe that when you come to me with these plans?
[ suicidal plans, plans that have no way of working, plans that will get him killed one way or another. he doesn't trust it to work, doesn't trust cas to not do it, either.
curling a hand over to his own shoulder, it covers cas', soothes the trembling. ]
I used to not believe in a tomorrow, but now... I don't- [ it's hard to force the words out, quiet as they are. ] I don't want to face one alone.
no subject
Date: 2014-04-01 01:01 am (UTC)i don't want to face one alone
Alone? His eyes drop to the hand over his, and it's like his heart is pushing up to pound in his throat, locking it tight so it's difficult to form a response. He swallows and tilts his head back to look at him. This is... more than he could have ever thought. It's like he's not even hearing it, not really, and he steps back, like he's trying to run from it before he surrenders to that pull.
He practically crashes into him getting both arms around him, curling tight around him and pressing into the hug with every inch of his body. ]
You're not alone. [ Never has been. Never will be. They'd have to destroy him entirely to make such a thing possible, and Castiel tucks his face against the side of his neck, holding onto him with every intention of not letting him go. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-04-01 01:30 am (UTC)dean's sucked in a sharp breath, surprise and shock in the sound of it as he tenses up.
you're not alone.
he feels cas' breath on his neck, the line of his nose, the shape of his mouth. it takes a minute, two, until he finally relaxes some. his own arms come around cas too, despite the pain shooting up one, hands at castiel's hips, then sliding to the small of his back. hugs are few and far between, but this is... it's nice, so much nicer than he could have imagined.
he wants cas there. he doesn't want to be alone, not because of their mission, never because of that.
cas has been sent to his death once, already. dean won't let that happen again. ]
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Date: 2014-04-01 01:47 am (UTC)Of what he's learned, of the things he's still processing, this has to be the most important piece to the winding puzzle that's become his life. Mortal and terribly so, lost to the hands of time and age and cracking under the weight of it all-- It's this small bit of hope that keeps him afloat, stays him and stops him from drowning under the waves of his own misery. There's a soft sound of approval when Dean returns the embrace, gently easing back to look at him from this particular angle.
The slight smear of freckles across his nose and cheeks, the depth behind Dean's eyes. Castiel's never really noticed it before, never dared to allow himself to. Lightly, he rests his forehead along the line of his jaw. ]
Do you understand? [ It's mumbled, soft. ] As long as we-- I won't leave you, Dean.
[ Ever. He never has. ]
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Date: 2014-04-01 02:11 am (UTC)dean smothers the words, instead lets himself soak in what cas is telling him with that soft firmness. there will always be that part in him, the self-hating, darkness that won't let himself believe in the simplest words, the good that he could have if he only allowed it for himself. and this, too, threatens to be too much, too fast.
too important. yet he'd let the words slip, the truth slip of what he fears so much. ]
I-- yes.
[ a breath, and dean draws back, just enough to look at him. ]
Thank you.
[ his hand slides up, high until it's burying into castiel's hair, fingers disappearing into threads of thick, black hair. cradling his skull, keeping him there, dean's mouth is on cas' a moment later. it's calm and controlled, yet there's a desperate note in the way dean presses into it, deepens the kiss almost immediately-- like he needs this right now, needs to feel it, taste it.
confirm it. ]
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Date: 2014-04-01 02:54 am (UTC)And he wants to make sure that yes isn't just some automatic response, trying to lean back again to see his face. Yet, there are hands pressing to his head, sifting through his hair and holding him still. Precious, careful, and it's really-- It's still surprising to feel the weight of his lips, the taste of his mouth like it's normal. Like they've always been doing this. More kisses in the span of forty-eight hours than he can count since that first time in the dark...
He's only passive for a moment, letting the shift and slide of it overtake him before he reacts. His palms bear down lightly on Dean's shoulders, stretching up to give him what he wants and take what he needs. Castiel bites at his bottom lip, touches his tongue to the spot to soothe it.
It's a breathy sort of kiss by the time he realizes it, still firm but gentle. The quietest sort of promise he can give him. ]
You-- [ don't have to.
There is no thanks in this, no thanks for what he's freely offering up. In his own way, perhaps it's trying to reconcile all the wrong he's done since he'd disregarded Heaven and stayed behind in a dying world. Perhaps it's just Castiel being selfish. One in the same, eventually, and he kisses the corner of his mouth. ] I'm always here for you.
[ And that's all he can promise. ]
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Date: 2014-04-01 05:39 am (UTC)something he only feels with cas these days.
it's almost terrifying. ]
Thank you, thank you--
[ to the side of his mouth, bitten into his bottom lip, licked into his mouth. dean presses the words against cas' skin over and over, mumbles them between breaths as he kisses him again and again, deeper with each taste. for cas to promise something like that means he has to promise care for his own life. and that's what dean wants, he needs to know cas will be there tomorrow, like he says he will be, that dean won't have to worry about his friend doing something moronic in the future.
so he kisses his thank yous because it's the only way he knows. kisses each one into a new place, to the angle of his jaw, to the slope of his neck. he even dips down, bites it into cas' collar, desperate for him to understand how much that promise means to him. ]
--thank you.
[ please don't let me down.
please don't, because he needs you. ]
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Date: 2014-04-01 06:14 am (UTC)Each little touch, every kiss and all the words whispered into his skin burn down into his chest and settle hard in his belly like a weight he just can't lift. It's suffocating and stings. Or maybe that's the drag of teeth along his collarbone. He isn't quite certain which, shutting out the world and clutching at him in his own desperate attempt to hold him close. Why this is so different than anything he's ever experienced is difficult to describe. There are no words, only action and reaction. ]
Dean...
[ Castiel almost trips over the word, breathless when his hands slip from those shoulders and slide between them. He grips at the front of his clothes again, yanking and pulling and taking a step back. After last night, after today and everything, he just needs to be close to him. Because Castiel craves that affection, the lack of proximity and the urgency of knowing the silence in his head can be overwritten. He wants, but--
But.
His breaths are heavy, eyes still closed tight, and his mouth hovers over Dean's, noses touching as he waits to wake up. Waits for this to stop being real, waits for Dean to kiss him again so he doesn't have to. ]
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Date: 2014-04-03 01:02 am (UTC)it has him licking the soft breath of his name right from cas' lips, covering his mouth with his own, biting into it.
and when he's marking his way down his skin, biting and licking, he loses track of time. only the simple echo of thank you rings through his head, each one punctuated into castiel's neck, collar...
all until he's nose to nose with his friend, breathing hard and skin flushed. the shape of his mouth finds castiel's cheek, suddenly light, then the side of his face...
much like the fire, the gentleness is something he thought had died with sam all those years ago. ]
Yeah?
[ pressed to his forehead, then down to the corner of his mouth. ]
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Date: 2014-04-03 06:32 pm (UTC)i don't know what i would do if you weren't
... i can't do this without you
He's silent for a long time, thinking so many of those things and saying nothing at all in response. Castiel lets Dean take what he wants from him, incredibly pliant beneath his mouth and hands. Normally, he's much more interactive, but there's something almost sweet about the attention Dean is giving him. Each bite and kiss and lick-- He doesn't want to let go of any of that. He wants to take it and keep it for himself.
Slowly, he blinks his eyes open with the softness, and the warmth that settles in his chest is abrupt and welcome both. A slight tilt of his head, lifting a hand to settle just below the bandage that'd been forgotten. ]
Your arm. [ How is it? ]
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Date: 2014-04-04 09:25 pm (UTC)you can't his mind whispers, you'll only lose him.
dean smothers the voice for now, breathing in cas' words and then huffs something of an amused sound. ]
Hasn't fallen off yet.
[ that's good, right? ]
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