[ It always has been, he realizes, and he's never given a second thought to the consequences of those choices. Even now, standing between Dean and that impossible yes, he feels he's doing what he thinks to be best for both of them. ]
[ dean disconnects with that. after, it's all about gathering his gun, strapping it to his thigh, some stray clips of bullets taken along...
he needs to find michael, needs to say yes, needs to kill lucifer. and if he dies? fine. it'll be worth it, he barely has much to live for either way, and... and he's tired of fucking up, of causing so much chaos in their own world. this might not fix that, but it will right some wrongs.
stepping into the hallway of his floor, dean starts down towards the stairs. ]
[ He gets that disconnect, the brief whatever that means nothing he has said thus far has reached him, and Castiel... Frankly, he's pissed. This is not how he'd wanted it to go, not how he'd expected it to happen. Things had been better between them before this, but that had been before he'd gotten himself killed. Before he incidentally told Dean something he'd probably been waiting to hear since learning Lucifer had arrived.
There is no hesitation on his part; he rushes out of his room, leaving behind everything he has because nothing is more important than this. He knows Dean better than he knows himself at times--that hasn't changed.
It takes far too long, he thinks, and by the time he reaches the right wing, the right floor, he's out of breath. From south to north, but it's enough. Easier if he could have just popped in like he used to, though there's no room for that in this mess. He sees Dean and approaches him head-on, mouth twisted down into a hard frown. ]
[ dean isn't surprised when he sees cas coming down the hallway, that firm expression on his face spelling out enough for dean to know this isn't going to go smoothly. no matter though, like hell he's going to let cas get in his way when things are finally turning to his favor. ]
I don't think so.
[ his hands are curled into fists at his sides, body tense as he's more than ready to use them in any way that he has to. ]
[ He spits it out, almost a hiss as he comes closer and closer, and only when they are a few inches apart does he stop. This time, they are on opposite ends of agreement, but it's not as if they've never been here before. When they'd met, what Castiel had wanted from Dean and what Dean had refused to give-- It's so, so similar. Too similar.
He doesn't budge, his own hands tight at his sides. ] I won't let you do this.
[ like he has to explain himself. dean stands there for a beat, sizes cas up and sure, he knows the other man can put up a fight, doesn't doubt he will. but dean knows his shit too, knows he won't let cas fuck this up for him. he should be glad for michael, glad that maybe now they can finally end lucifer.
but like always, cas is being weak when dean least needs him to be. ]
Move.
[ he's stepping past castiel then, trying to, with a rough shove at the other man. ]
[ But it's never been about that for him. He wants Dean to see just how suicidal this is, how he's risking everything for nothing. In the end, what good does it do to trust an angel who will use him up and burn him out? Castiel never would have thought that years ago, but time has changed that perspective. He is altogether different, and he won't be pushed aside so easily.
On reflex, he grabs hold of his arm and squeezes tight in an effort to jerk him to a stop. ]
You can't. [ And though his reasoning might be sound, some of it is also selfish. He's his friend, the only one he has who understands. He has lost much already, and he refuses to lose him too. Especially to his own foolhardy ways. ]
[ the moment cas' hand is on him, dean turns; one hand shoots out, shoving at the other man's shoulder, driving and shoving him close up against the wall. the other is on cas' neck in a minute, fingers wrapping tightly around, aiming to pin his head back against the wall.
his words are a roared hiss, bitter and angry to the core. ]
I will do whatever the fuck it takes to end this, Cas. I should've done this the moment Michael said it was the only way-- I won't fuck it up a second time.
[ he refuses to watch another world burn because he can't find it in himself to give up his life for an angel. ]
So unless you want to experience the joys of a broken neck again, back off.
[ He knows better than to fight it, resisting only enough so that the breath isn't knocked out of him when he's slammed against the wall. Perhaps it's meant to be intimidating, having him so close like this, but it's nothing Castiel hasn't experienced before, nothing he's afraid of. His expression is almost passive despite his own anger welling up. ]
Throwing your life away like that is pointless, Dean! [ It's bitten out the same time his own fingers dig into the flesh of Dean's wrist. ] I won't stand here and watch as you do it either.
[ His other hand, flat against his side, comes up to shove in mimic, palm connecting with Dean's upper arm and gripping impossibly tight. He won't let go until Dean makes good with his threat. All he has, though, are echoes of earlier, repeats that are much better voiced than they are written. ] We will find some other way.
[ it's barked out, words spat in cas' face while he searches the other man's eyes for some kind of logic. this is the only way, and dean can't miss out on the chance, not again. he doesn't want to watch sam fall pray to lucifer, no here, and he doesn't trust any of the rest from their world, especially not their respective doubles.
and yet, in his words lies a tremor of something desperate that he can't quite hide. ]
I'm not watching him die again- [ his thumb presses down on cas' throat just a fraction. ]
[ The spark is there for a moment, a fleeting second, and it flutters away with his breath, a hitch of something deep he could never hope to fathom. Sam. Dean will do whatever it takes for Sam just as Castiel will do whatever it takes for them respectively. His Dean, however, still holds more priority, and he can never let that go. His hand trembles slightly, refusing to let up but doing nothing to stop the other man from almost choking him.
When he swallows, he's certain Dean can feel his throat bob under his thumb. ]
He won't. [ He looks at him straight on. ] We know, Dean, and that gives us the advantage. They can't possibly do something we won't already anticipate. And Sam -
Would he want you to do it like this?
[ It's difficult to say, and he doesn't want to bring it up, throw the knowledge that Dean is doing exactly what Sam had done those five years ago before all of this had started. It had changed them. It would inevitably change him too. ]
[ sam is his world. had been even after lucifer had somehow managed to make him say yes. here, he has a second chance to make sure it never comes down to that again and dean can't afford to fuck it up, to be selfish and hope for a better way. ]
He'll have other-me, I have to do this.
[ he might hate his past-self, really does, but if there's one thing dean can count on it's that dean will always make sam first priority, keep him safe. ]
Have to try this, Cas, you know that, damn it--
[ instead of squeezing more though, dean's grip loosens as he draws back, something between anger and the overwhelming and crushing failure from their previous attempt at all of this lingering over his face. ]
[ But he doesn't. He doesn't, and that obligation is sitting heavy between both of them like a weight furiously tipping further and further in Dean's favor. Castiel would let him go. If it's what the other man wanted, he'd give him whatever it was and not say a word. Yet, this is far more than that. This is thinking and acting irresponsibly, reaching for the only obvious option among others they have hardly touched.
It's not the same in this world as it is theirs. He wishes for Dean to see that. He needs him to. ]
I know that you think this is the only way. [ Because it's been ingrained in him since the very beginning, slowly fed to him when Castiel raised him from Hell and straight through to the end of the world. ] But it's not. [ He exerts enough force to shove his hand away, breaking the contact but not doing anything to remove his hand from that shoulder. If anything, he clamps down and squeezes. ]
Because we cannot die here, it will never end if you say yes. You won't win. At least... [ His voice drops lower, eyes cast to the side. ] You should consider that.
[ to dean it's all the same. this world, their world, there is no difference; both are playgrounds for lucifer to destroy if he so wills it, and dean can't let that happen. not when it'll cost him sam again. ]
But with Michael's power we might be able to make it permanent. We have to try it, we have to-- [ the squeeze gets a quiet sound, a struggle because dean knows this isn't the best method, that dying shouldn't solve anything. but it just might. ]
And if it's like you say, I'll come back too, and we'll try something different.
[ If he knows it isn't the best method, he would stop being so stubborn about this and accept that it's not going to change. But this is how it always has been. This is how it's always going to be, and Castiel refuses to accept that. He drops his hand away, curling his fingers tight into a fist. ]
I should realize by now not to except otherwise.
[ The from you is unspoken but there, tacked on at the end. Castiel steps forward, almost aggressive as he knocks shoulders with Dean to move him aside. He doesn't want to stay here and listen to more of his suicidal plans. He wishes so strongly in that moment he could just fly away and be done with this. ] Do what you want.
[ It's a hiss, impossibly angry, and he walks away. ]
[ yes, you should have he wants to say, but the anger in that shove doesn't go unnoticed, nor the line of tension in cas' entire body, the disappointment there, in dean. so he doesn't say anything for once, but doesn't budge from his opinion either.
he can't.
it's not something he wants to do, exactly, but he has to try. and if cas doesn't understand that, well, maybe it's better that way. he's been asking the other man to walk away from him as is, and now that he's doing so, dean won't stop him. ]
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no subject
Date: 2013-11-27 12:17 am (UTC)It's the right one.
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 12:28 am (UTC)[ dean disconnects with that. after, it's all about gathering his gun, strapping it to his thigh, some stray clips of bullets taken along...
he needs to find michael, needs to say yes, needs to kill lucifer. and if he dies? fine. it'll be worth it, he barely has much to live for either way, and... and he's tired of fucking up, of causing so much chaos in their own world. this might not fix that, but it will right some wrongs.
stepping into the hallway of his floor, dean starts down towards the stairs. ]
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 12:39 am (UTC)There is no hesitation on his part; he rushes out of his room, leaving behind everything he has because nothing is more important than this. He knows Dean better than he knows himself at times--that hasn't changed.
It takes far too long, he thinks, and by the time he reaches the right wing, the right floor, he's out of breath. From south to north, but it's enough. Easier if he could have just popped in like he used to, though there's no room for that in this mess. He sees Dean and approaches him head-on, mouth twisted down into a hard frown. ]
Stop.
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 12:52 am (UTC)I don't think so.
[ his hands are curled into fists at his sides, body tense as he's more than ready to use them in any way that he has to. ]
Don't make me hurt you.
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 12:59 am (UTC)[ He spits it out, almost a hiss as he comes closer and closer, and only when they are a few inches apart does he stop. This time, they are on opposite ends of agreement, but it's not as if they've never been here before. When they'd met, what Castiel had wanted from Dean and what Dean had refused to give-- It's so, so similar. Too similar.
He doesn't budge, his own hands tight at his sides. ] I won't let you do this.
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 01:19 am (UTC)but like always, cas is being weak when dean least needs him to be. ]
Move.
[ he's stepping past castiel then, trying to, with a rough shove at the other man. ]
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 01:48 am (UTC)On reflex, he grabs hold of his arm and squeezes tight in an effort to jerk him to a stop. ]
You can't. [ And though his reasoning might be sound, some of it is also selfish. He's his friend, the only one he has who understands. He has lost much already, and he refuses to lose him too. Especially to his own foolhardy ways. ]
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 04:36 am (UTC)his words are a roared hiss, bitter and angry to the core. ]
I will do whatever the fuck it takes to end this, Cas. I should've done this the moment Michael said it was the only way-- I won't fuck it up a second time.
[ he refuses to watch another world burn because he can't find it in himself to give up his life for an angel. ]
So unless you want to experience the joys of a broken neck again, back off.
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 05:25 am (UTC)Throwing your life away like that is pointless, Dean! [ It's bitten out the same time his own fingers dig into the flesh of Dean's wrist. ] I won't stand here and watch as you do it either.
[ His other hand, flat against his side, comes up to shove in mimic, palm connecting with Dean's upper arm and gripping impossibly tight. He won't let go until Dean makes good with his threat. All he has, though, are echoes of earlier, repeats that are much better voiced than they are written. ] We will find some other way.
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 06:59 am (UTC)[ it's barked out, words spat in cas' face while he searches the other man's eyes for some kind of logic. this is the only way, and dean can't miss out on the chance, not again. he doesn't want to watch sam fall pray to lucifer, no here, and he doesn't trust any of the rest from their world, especially not their respective doubles.
and yet, in his words lies a tremor of something desperate that he can't quite hide. ]
I'm not watching him die again- [ his thumb presses down on cas' throat just a fraction. ]
action.
Date: 2013-11-27 07:14 am (UTC)When he swallows, he's certain Dean can feel his throat bob under his thumb. ]
He won't. [ He looks at him straight on. ] We know, Dean, and that gives us the advantage. They can't possibly do something we won't already anticipate. And Sam -
Would he want you to do it like this?
[ It's difficult to say, and he doesn't want to bring it up, throw the knowledge that Dean is doing exactly what Sam had done those five years ago before all of this had started. It had changed them. It would inevitably change him too. ]
action.
Date: 2013-11-30 09:21 pm (UTC)He'll have other-me, I have to do this.
[ he might hate his past-self, really does, but if there's one thing dean can count on it's that dean will always make sam first priority, keep him safe. ]
Have to try this, Cas, you know that, damn it--
[ instead of squeezing more though, dean's grip loosens as he draws back, something between anger and the overwhelming and crushing failure from their previous attempt at all of this lingering over his face. ]
action.
Date: 2013-11-30 09:57 pm (UTC)It's not the same in this world as it is theirs. He wishes for Dean to see that. He needs him to. ]
I know that you think this is the only way. [ Because it's been ingrained in him since the very beginning, slowly fed to him when Castiel raised him from Hell and straight through to the end of the world. ] But it's not. [ He exerts enough force to shove his hand away, breaking the contact but not doing anything to remove his hand from that shoulder. If anything, he clamps down and squeezes. ]
Because we cannot die here, it will never end if you say yes. You won't win. At least... [ His voice drops lower, eyes cast to the side. ] You should consider that.
action.
Date: 2013-12-02 01:53 am (UTC)But with Michael's power we might be able to make it permanent. We have to try it, we have to-- [ the squeeze gets a quiet sound, a struggle because dean knows this isn't the best method, that dying shouldn't solve anything. but it just might. ]
And if it's like you say, I'll come back too, and we'll try something different.
action.
Date: 2013-12-02 06:11 pm (UTC)I should realize by now not to except otherwise.
[ The from you is unspoken but there, tacked on at the end. Castiel steps forward, almost aggressive as he knocks shoulders with Dean to move him aside. He doesn't want to stay here and listen to more of his suicidal plans. He wishes so strongly in that moment he could just fly away and be done with this. ] Do what you want.
[ It's a hiss, impossibly angry, and he walks away. ]
action.
Date: 2013-12-02 10:02 pm (UTC)he can't.
it's not something he wants to do, exactly, but he has to try. and if cas doesn't understand that, well, maybe it's better that way. he's been asking the other man to walk away from him as is, and now that he's doing so, dean won't stop him. ]