[ it's something he's punished himself for a few days now, and will continue to do so for a long, long time. he should have been able to tell the difference, he thought he would be, and yet here they are, sam newly revived from the bullet dean put in him. ]
But he's back now.
[ like that excuses anything, hah. he looks like he's about to say something more, but the words get stuck behind that ever-harsh look on his face. ]
You've got somethin' seriously messed up in your head, man.
[ He just can't see how he became this. How he fell this far, how he's this broken. He's not exactly the best person that's ever existed- Dean has no illusions about that, but this is a special level of fucked. ]
[ It's the nonchalance that gets to him. That anger burns up, curls in his stomach, makes his hands fist and before he even thinks about it, he's stalking forward. The gun's forgotten - it won't be as satisfying as just hauling back and slamming his fist into his face.
Punching people isn't ever fun but goddamn does it feel good. ]
It was Sam. [ That's what he can't get over. ] Don't you come near any of them, d'you understand.
[ he's been expecting this, sort of. doesn't mean he does anything to stop it, or even sees it coming when dean does finally throw his fist in his face. it hurts good, sends a shock of pain through his entire body and has him cradling his jaw as he stumbles back.
[ He wants to do it again - wants to keep hitting him, like he can punch understanding through him, like he can get this other version of him to grasp the concept that he'd murdered their brother, and it was pure fucking luck he'd come back. That he'd as good as murdered everyone who trusted him, dragging them into the firefight.
That they can make their own decisions doesn't even factor in. It's still him - it still falls on his shoulders, that those people had followed him to take down Lucifer and Dean walked them into a trap. That's on him. ]
I sure as hell won't kill you.
[ They both know it won't do any good, now. Which means being creative. He won't start torturing again, but keeping him locked down? You bet your ass. ]
[ he knows he'll just come back -- wishes he wouldn't -- so it defeats the purpose, but for all he's hurt sam, he doesn't give a rat's ass about hurting his own self. not one, and he'll do it if dean fucks with him, in whatever way he has to.
he wipes at his mouth then, finds red trailing away from his broken lip. ]
You can't keep me away from them, I won't let you.
[ No, he didn't make the right choices. Sam was still stuck in Hell, still stuck with Lucifer and Michael and their younger brother. It wasn't the right choice but Sam's-- well. He made it out. It was fucked six ways from sunday, but he got Sam back and--
Dean recoils visibly, stiffening up. This other Dean might not know what he's had to do - that he let Sam do the trials, that he's sick, close to dying, but it's true. They're doomed to fuck them up, just in different ways.
He swallows harshly and forces a smile, no humor in it. ]
Doesn't change I'm doing better than you. At least I won't lead them to get ground into meat 'cause I can't cope with what I let our brother become.
[ oh, he can see that reaction, and it pleases him-- even if only a fraction. ]
Maybe not, but there are worse things than death. [ dean wishes sam had never said yes, even now, but for a moment he wants this dean to feel that agonizing pain of watching their brother become lucifer's bitch. ]
[ And you bet your ass he'll hold that over Dean's head until the end of time. It's not like his option was that much better- Sam was still Lucifer's meatsuit, it's just he got him back. ]
Can't imagine that doesn't chafe a little. Knowing you fucked it up that bad but there were other options, 's just you couldn't do it.
What the hell're you talking about? Of course it's gonna happen--
[ but dean's talking like that's a possibility of the past, something that didn't happen for him, and no-- it does chafe, it fucking hurts -- threatens to, at least -- and he doesn't want to believe it. ]
[ And oh, it's a vicious, horrible little bit of glee in his voice at that realization. Dean watches him, waiting. ]
It didn't happen. Sammy - our brother, the one you gunned down? Became one of the best goddamn hunters there is. He's done shit you and I can't even hope to come close to.
[ Which is why he needs to get back. He needs to make sure he's okay. ]
You're lying-- there's no way you could have avoided it, none. [ no, no, no. it had all been set; fate and destiny, as much as dean fucking hates those concepts. and yet here he has himself telling him otherwise, with glee dean recognizes too well.
he steps closer, hands curled and ready to lash out. ]
I don't know what fuckin' joke you're tryin' to pull but it ain't funny.
I don't think, I know. [ it's snarled, vicious. when it comes to him, he knows dean would like- just to fuck with him and hurt him. and yet there's that sinking feeling that he isn't lying, that this really is true-- and it's unfair.
he gives him a rougher shake-- ]
You don't deserve it, you didn't say yes. [ he'd screamed himself hoarse. ]
For starters, puttin' you into a grave sounds like a good idea.
[ Both because he's an asshole and because it's Sam. Dean grips his shirt a little tighter, jaw set, stubborn down to his boots. ]
You fucked it up, you shoulda stopped him, you could have stopped him from saying yes like that. Don't think it was easy- don't think we didn't bleed for what we got. It was a shit deal for everyone, even if the whole planet didn't get nuked.
[ could have, should have, it's all a little too late now. and dean doesn't appreciate being reminded of that. you got to keep your brother is what he wants to hiss, but instead dean ends up shoving him hard with something close to a growl. ]
Shut up.
[ and whether his past-self clings on or has the sense to let go, dean's drawing his gun in one smooth motion. ]
[ Yeah, he knows that's gonna go well. You don't rub his face in something he failed at and expect it to go all peaches. Dean catches himself, drawing his gun just as quickly, tilting his head. ]
So, what. Gonna kill me? [ Stupid, fucking stupid, but he's so angry because this idiot just doesn't get it. ] Hey, everyone's gotta have a talent.
[ dean hasn't been this angry in a long time. his breath falls heavy, rage boiling his skin but his aim remains steady, always steady as the barrel is aimed at his own self. ]
Killing you would be too easy.
[ if he could, he'd show you exactly what torturing can become with years of more training. ]
No, what I have in mind is a little bit more personal. [ though it still means getting shot first. of course, that's gonna be hard with dean aiming his gun right back at him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2013-10-22 05:28 pm (UTC)Right. [ beat. ]
So is that it? Just want to throw the better-me act around or was there something more you wanted to get off your chest.
[ each word is mocking, a challenge. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 05:32 pm (UTC)[ That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? It always boils down to Sam. ]
So yeah, if we're going to throw around the better-me act, I think I win.
[ He would ask why, but he thinks he knows - Dean ought to be able to tell the difference between their kid brother and the Devil though. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 05:39 pm (UTC)[ it's something he's punished himself for a few days now, and will continue to do so for a long, long time. he should have been able to tell the difference, he thought he would be, and yet here they are, sam newly revived from the bullet dean put in him. ]
But he's back now.
[ like that excuses anything, hah. he looks like he's about to say something more, but the words get stuck behind that ever-harsh look on his face. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 05:42 pm (UTC)[ He just can't see how he became this. How he fell this far, how he's this broken. He's not exactly the best person that's ever existed- Dean has no illusions about that, but this is a special level of fucked. ]
So that makes it okay, huh.
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Date: 2013-10-22 05:44 pm (UTC)[ there's nothing okay about it, but you don't get to know how deep his own actions have cut him. ]
But it's done, it's over-- I can't change what happened.
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Date: 2013-10-22 05:49 pm (UTC)Punching people isn't ever fun but goddamn does it feel good. ]
It was Sam. [ That's what he can't get over. ] Don't you come near any of them, d'you understand.
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Date: 2013-10-22 05:56 pm (UTC)the glare isn't any less poisonous. ]
Or what?
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:00 pm (UTC)That they can make their own decisions doesn't even factor in. It's still him - it still falls on his shoulders, that those people had followed him to take down Lucifer and Dean walked them into a trap. That's on him. ]
I sure as hell won't kill you.
[ They both know it won't do any good, now. Which means being creative. He won't start torturing again, but keeping him locked down? You bet your ass. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:07 pm (UTC)[ he knows he'll just come back -- wishes he wouldn't -- so it defeats the purpose, but for all he's hurt sam, he doesn't give a rat's ass about hurting his own self. not one, and he'll do it if dean fucks with him, in whatever way he has to.
he wipes at his mouth then, finds red trailing away from his broken lip. ]
You can't keep me away from them, I won't let you.
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:10 pm (UTC)[ He'll just keep coming back and Dean doesn't want to try and think about how he'd track him down again.
Dean doesn't back off; he sees that splash of red and considers it again. It wouldn't fix anything but it'll sure as hell make him feel better. ]
Can't I? Didn't you fuck up enough? Wasn't bad enough you fucked Cas up, but you wanna do that to Sam, to this Cas too?
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:19 pm (UTC)The only reason I fucked up is because of you. You're weak, you didn't make the right choices. [ you didn't say yes when you had the chance. ]
So the way I see it? I don't have to do anything to Sam or Cas, you'll do that just fine on your own-- even here.
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:24 pm (UTC)[ No, he didn't make the right choices. Sam was still stuck in Hell, still stuck with Lucifer and Michael and their younger brother. It wasn't the right choice but Sam's-- well. He made it out. It was fucked six ways from sunday, but he got Sam back and--
Dean recoils visibly, stiffening up. This other Dean might not know what he's had to do - that he let Sam do the trials, that he's sick, close to dying, but it's true. They're doomed to fuck them up, just in different ways.
He swallows harshly and forces a smile, no humor in it. ]
Doesn't change I'm doing better than you. At least I won't lead them to get ground into meat 'cause I can't cope with what I let our brother become.
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:32 pm (UTC)Maybe not, but there are worse things than death. [ dean wishes sam had never said yes, even now, but for a moment he wants this dean to feel that agonizing pain of watching their brother become lucifer's bitch. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:35 pm (UTC)[ And you bet your ass he'll hold that over Dean's head until the end of time. It's not like his option was that much better- Sam was still Lucifer's meatsuit, it's just he got him back. ]
Can't imagine that doesn't chafe a little. Knowing you fucked it up that bad but there were other options, 's just you couldn't do it.
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:46 pm (UTC)What the hell're you talking about? Of course it's gonna happen--
[ but dean's talking like that's a possibility of the past, something that didn't happen for him, and no-- it does chafe, it fucking hurts -- threatens to, at least -- and he doesn't want to believe it. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 06:50 pm (UTC)[ And oh, it's a vicious, horrible little bit of glee in his voice at that realization. Dean watches him, waiting. ]
It didn't happen. Sammy - our brother, the one you gunned down? Became one of the best goddamn hunters there is. He's done shit you and I can't even hope to come close to.
[ Which is why he needs to get back. He needs to make sure he's okay. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 08:02 pm (UTC)You're lying-- there's no way you could have avoided it, none. [ no, no, no. it had all been set; fate and destiny, as much as dean fucking hates those concepts. and yet here he has himself telling him otherwise, with glee dean recognizes too well.
he steps closer, hands curled and ready to lash out. ]
I don't know what fuckin' joke you're tryin' to pull but it ain't funny.
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Date: 2013-10-22 08:04 pm (UTC)[ Oh, he has the high ground now, too. Dean grins, teeth flashing white in the dim lighting around them and he steps in close, too. ]
Lucifer and Michael got locked in the cage.
Sammy- well it ain't all peaches and cream, but he beats the devil.
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Date: 2013-10-22 08:18 pm (UTC)and dean's curling a hand into the lapels of his past-self's jacket, hauling him closer in a flash. ]
You must really think I'm a goddamn fool--
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Date: 2013-10-22 08:23 pm (UTC)[ Omit, yeah. He's sure as hell not giving him all the details, but he'll lord this over him as long as he can. ]
What're you gonna do, anyway?
[ Dean mirrors the gesture, clenching tight at the material of the other man's shirt. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 08:49 pm (UTC)he gives him a rougher shake-- ]
You don't deserve it, you didn't say yes. [ he'd screamed himself hoarse. ]
For starters, puttin' you into a grave sounds like a good idea.
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Date: 2013-10-22 09:00 pm (UTC)[ Both because he's an asshole and because it's Sam. Dean grips his shirt a little tighter, jaw set, stubborn down to his boots. ]
You fucked it up, you shoulda stopped him, you could have stopped him from saying yes like that. Don't think it was easy- don't think we didn't bleed for what we got. It was a shit deal for everyone, even if the whole planet didn't get nuked.
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Date: 2013-10-22 09:16 pm (UTC)Shut up.
[ and whether his past-self clings on or has the sense to let go, dean's drawing his gun in one smooth motion. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 09:20 pm (UTC)So, what. Gonna kill me? [ Stupid, fucking stupid, but he's so angry because this idiot just doesn't get it. ] Hey, everyone's gotta have a talent.
[ Yours is killing people. ]
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Date: 2013-10-22 09:30 pm (UTC)Killing you would be too easy.
[ if he could, he'd show you exactly what torturing can become with years of more training. ]
No, what I have in mind is a little bit more personal. [ though it still means getting shot first. of course, that's gonna be hard with dean aiming his gun right back at him. ]
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