[ Which is all he'd wanted, and he doesn't bother with a courtesy reply. He knows Dean wouldn't answer anyhow, so he gathers himself and takes a casual walk toward the docks. The ship - he'd heard about it from some people before - is there, but he has to wander a little further before he recognizes the outline of the other man.
He's quiet aside from the purposeful shift of weight on the boards beneath his feet; approaching Dean stealthily from behind would not end well for him. Castiel stops beside him, hands in his pockets. ]
[ dean's watching the ship, angry lines written into his face as he watches the others gawk around it, some whispering worried words of fear over the thing's appearance while others look more curious. he's of the latter group, though it might be hard to tell with the way he holds himself; wary and tense, ready for anything and everything to go wrong.
when cas approaches, his demeanor doesn't change much. ]
[ He sighs, fingers curling into loose fists as he hunches his shoulders in and rocks forward on the balls of his feet. Castiel hadn't spent a particular amount of time here, strangely avoidant of it. Now, it hardly seems relevant with Dean standing this close. ]
There's plenty you haven't asked me. [ And still, he's given him everything. ] Dean...
[ He takes a step and turns so they're face-to-face. ] I'm sorry.
[ which is why he doesn't bother with it, even if he has so many people to say it to. there are too many apologies for him to ever catch up on, and... well, just as he'd said, what's a word going to change, anyway?
still, he isn't done. ]
It ain't gonna explain why you're suddenly on his side after everything he's done.
[ Whether it's because he's unable or simply hadn't wanted to face such a truth, he doesn't know. He could speculate, but in the end, it centers around this. Them and the devil, them and Sam. Dean against the world.
His mouth thins. ] I have been on no one's side but yours since the beginning. How difficult is that to understand?
Wouldn't listen because everythin' comin' outta your goddamn mouth was bullshit.
[ the words are a hissed out snarl as he takes one threatening step closer to cas. he'd brought up sam, had claimed the person standing behind him to be his brother. but dean knows better. there's no way for him to get sam back, not anymore... so for it to be sam? just impossible.
he doesn't have that kind of luck. ]
You made it difficult the moment you stepped between me and him.
[ the moment you effectively stopped him from carrying out his life long mission. ]
[ Castiel doesn't move, hardly intimidated by him, but all of it's there, out in the open and ready to be smashed down beneath their feet. If anything, he wishes Dean would know as he knows. There is not an ounce of Lucifer in Sam's body, and he would argue it until his last breath. ]
He doesn't know who I am, Dean. The year is... wrong. [ 2006. And Lucifer would not bide his time with such petty tricks when he could so easily snap their necks. ] I'm not entirely useless.
[ He's glaring now, a spark of something old and familiar showing as he stares at him. ] And I would not lie to you. Everything we have done means more than that.
It's an act, Cas. [ but then, everything is a lie and a sham to dean these days, nobody speaks the truth anymore. paranoia is deeply rooted into his bones, something that might be impossible to ever shake out.
he scoffs, like what castiel says is funny of all things. ]
Really? Everything we've done? What about after what I did.
Then why didn't you finish it? [ He takes one step in, hardly an inch of space between them now. Castiel can't even remember the last time they had been this close, usually separated by half their camp the majority of the time and missions aside.
When he looks at him, he sees the same face he's known for years. The same turn of his mouth, the same crease in his brow. The same unrecognizable expression of hardship and guilt. ] I will always go where you go. You didn't make that choice for me, and you still don't.
[ He'd walked in knowing the consequences and indifferent toward them. Even now, it had been worth it. ]
Did you want me to? [ he's just going to turn this right back around on you, cas. never mind how close the other man is, how he dares to step forward like that when dean's handed people their asses for much less. it's a valid question, the one cas asks, but dean is no mood to give him an answer. not now, not ever. ] If you're lookin' to off yourself, you've been on a steady road to that destinations for years.
[ but then cas is saying words of loyalty that would have crushed dean some years ago. they tug at him even now, and he hates castiel for a minute, wonders what the hell is wrong with him, why he'd follow dean to certain death over a mission dean knows castiel has his own disagreements over. in the beginning, it had been this friendship and loyalty that dean had come to count on the most, to cherish only second to his bond with sam...
but just like when his brother had said yes, had burned away thanks to lucifer, so had dean's bond with cas. or at least, that's what he's told himself over the years, that in the end, there would be nothing left of who they had once been, which would make sacrificing his one friend easier.
yet even knowing that, cas still stands by the words he's always said to him and dean hates it. ]
[ His fingers tighten at his sides, squeezing so hard they begin to numb by the time he notices what he's doing, and even then, he doesn't care. Before, Castiel knew exactly how he'd answer this: look at him, utter some pathetic apology mixed with excuses and disappear. Sometimes, it's why he misses his wings; running had been so much easier. Now, he's faced with this, needs to rectify it somehow. A responsibility he's neglected far too long. ]
I know what I am, Dean, but do you? [ It's a rushed breath, useless in the scheme of things. He doesn't dare repeat the truth, so he continues on. ] Your judgment is too clouded, and I refuse to watch you repeat old mistakes.
[ Castiel shakes his hands out and reaches up to grab at Dean's coat, curling tight in the fabric and ready to fight. He stands tall, not so much intimidating as he is angry. Weeks without a single dose of anything to cool him, and that obstinate flicker of an angel peers through the cracks. ]
And even if you say it, I won't leave. All we have is— [ He breathes in quickly and only stares at him. ] Please.
Old mistakes? All I've tried to do is fix the mess your family made. [ from the moment he'd realized he should have said yes to michael, from the hours he'd spent screaming at the sky for it, to every decisions he'd made after. it's all been to stop everything from happening.
and yet, he knows was cas means, but doesn't want to see it. cas has no right to point it out, none.
a hard glance downwards as cas' hands cling to his clothing, but what he finds when his eyes meet cas' again is that spark of something more than human, something he hasn't seen in years. if anything, it upsets him further. ]
All we have is what? Nothing, Cas. [ he shoves at the ex-angel then, roughly to put space between them. ] Especially not now, not after that stunt you pulled in the church.
[ His hands clench at the mention of family, the family who had abandoned earth and all its people. Family he had pushed aside so he could stay and inevitably sacrifice himself for this cause. He has no right, and it makes him angry. Angrier than he's felt in such a long, long time.
Castiel stumbles back a little with the push, but the hold doesn't disconnect. If anything, it only causes him to grip tighter, and he remembers, once, when he'd held onto something (someone) just as strongly. ]
No. [ He uses the leverage to lean forward and stare at him. A silent invitation: he will have to try harder than that. ] I have always believed that there was... more. This is not nothing.
[ there might have been something, cas, once. but dean will make sure you think you've drowned it all out after what you did at the church. reality is different of course, that it's all dean's fault their bond is well dead by now.
or should be, except cas keeps clinging even after dean shoves at him. ]
I'm not wrong. [ don't you even dare say that. ] You've lost it, Cas, finally spilled all your marbles, haven't you? Well, newsflash, you're useless to me like this, so get lost--
[ and he shoves again, this time with a step and enough force that should send cas right over the edge of the dock, right into the murky dark waters of the harbor. ]
[ It's faint, the hurt he feels at those words. Castiel knows he is, has known for years, but to actually hear it spoken directly to him... The pain is outstanding. It's worse than anything physical he's ever experienced, and for a moment, he nearly lets go. He almost lets Dean win, allows him to take the final shred of connection between them and destroy it.
But he can't. He won't. He's held on this long, and he absolutely refuses to let go.
So, he doesn't. His fingers dig even deeper into the fabric of the other man's clothes even as the momentum drags him backwards into the water. Perhaps it's selfish of him, but the fight is ingrained to his very core—if he falls, he will not go alone. And what's one more time? He takes Dean with him.
Castiel forgets to breathe when the cold slams into him, still clutching hard at Dean until his fingers finally numb and he has to push away. Water rushes into his mouth, and he chokes, trying to kick his way back to the surface. ]
[ dean expects to see just a flash of hurt followed by the sound of a splash... not to be dragged in with the ex-angel while hurt etches itself into cas' face. the water is a cold greeting, freezing him down to the core of his bones, clothing sagging him down immediately. he feels cas let go, feels him flail next to him. he's about to turn, but a wild arm smacks him lightly on the side, and he turns to see cas grasping for the surface, and dean wonders-- wonders if there's something wrong.
seconds ago he was shoving at cas to back off, ready to punch him if he didn't get his way... and now it's dean who grabs a handful of cas' clothing, drags him back upwards to the surface.
breaking out from the muddy water, dean gasps for air, yanking cas with him. ]
Stupid--
[ son of a bitch. breathlessness steals his words though, leave him glaring at cas instead. ]
[ He's drank at least a mouthful of the water by the time he's breathing air instead, maybe more, gagging a little on the taste of it as he coughs and continues to scramble for something to hold onto. His fingers brush Dean's hand gripping onto him, barely conscious of the silent curse or the look he's being given. The frigid sensation working through him is very much like waking up, lost and alone and utterly confused.
Castiel pushes him away and reaches out to grab the edge of the dock instead, teeth grit in an effort to calm himself. He's not afraid of the water, knows enough about swimming to keep himself afloat and not drown, but beyond that, there's a strange sort of tension in the dark below. Curious, deafening.
He feels dizzy, and by the time he manages to wipe at his face, he realizes his entire body is shaking. ]
At least I am - [ He breaks to cough again, spitting out what comes up. ] - willing to admit it.
[ And it's all he bothers to say, forcing his arms to work as he tries to pull himself from the water. ]
[ dean keeps afloat nearby as cas struggles his way to the rocks, watching the other man cough and hack up water. it's cold, so cold, almost shockingly so but he stays still for just a few seconds, simply watching.
he hates what they are now, how it's all come down to this. hates it more than anything, and yet he'd been the one to push them in, shove at their bond even further. sure, he sees that, knows it's all on him, yet the anger is so hard to control these days...
dean starts after him then, drags himself out of the water and up the rocks. he doesn't bother helping cas, mutely makes his way past him until he's on even ground again, clothes soaked through and a chill settling on his skin. he tries his best not to shake though, even when he speaks up, finally, back turned to cas. ]
Until you come to your senses, I better not see so much as a hair of you.
[ or he'll make sure there won't be anything else left. ]
[ Unlike Dean, he doesn't move from the spot he's dragged himself to. It had been cold in the water, but with the temperature, it's even more so. Castiel can't stand it, numbly forcing water out of his shirt and visibly shivering with it. It'd been something he'd always detested about being human, the susceptibility to the elements and how easily he succumbed to them now. Always suffering in some form or another.
The sound of Dean's voice is distant, but he hears himself saying something in response. okay or all right or some other variation of yes. Maybe he says it a few times to drill it in; he's not entirely sure. The only true thing he knows is that he doesn't turn to acknowledge him. Castiel doesn't look at Dean just as Dean doesn't look at him.
Instead, he rests his arms on bent knees and runs his fingers through wet hair to coax the water from it. He's freezing, and he harbors a strange suspicion it's more than his body that's cold. What else had he expected after all this time? ]
Goodbye, Dean. [ Mumbled quietly under his breath, his eyes the only part of him that feel hot. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text;
Date: 2013-09-23 03:28 am (UTC)[ fuck you getting all bossy on him. ]
1/2 text;
Date: 2013-09-23 03:36 am (UTC)text;
Date: 2013-09-23 03:36 am (UTC)[ See. He can be polite about it. ]
text;
Date: 2013-09-23 03:40 am (UTC)[ biggest lie. but maybe if he just pushes enough, you'll finally leave him alone. ]
text;
Date: 2013-09-23 03:46 am (UTC)[ He hasn't given up on you before. He won't do it now. ]
text;
Date: 2013-09-23 03:53 am (UTC)At the docks.
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 04:17 am (UTC)He's quiet aside from the purposeful shift of weight on the boards beneath his feet; approaching Dean stealthily from behind would not end well for him. Castiel stops beside him, hands in his pockets. ]
Exploring here doesn't seem wise.
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 04:45 am (UTC)when cas approaches, his demeanor doesn't change much. ]
I don't remember askin' your opinion.
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 05:24 am (UTC)There's plenty you haven't asked me. [ And still, he's given him everything. ] Dean...
[ He takes a step and turns so they're face-to-face. ] I'm sorry.
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 05:29 am (UTC)[ which is why he doesn't bother with it, even if he has so many people to say it to. there are too many apologies for him to ever catch up on, and... well, just as he'd said, what's a word going to change, anyway?
still, he isn't done. ]
It ain't gonna explain why you're suddenly on his side after everything he's done.
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 06:25 am (UTC)[ Whether it's because he's unable or simply hadn't wanted to face such a truth, he doesn't know. He could speculate, but in the end, it centers around this. Them and the devil, them and Sam. Dean against the world.
His mouth thins. ] I have been on no one's side but yours since the beginning. How difficult is that to understand?
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 06:32 am (UTC)[ the words are a hissed out snarl as he takes one threatening step closer to cas. he'd brought up sam, had claimed the person standing behind him to be his brother. but dean knows better. there's no way for him to get sam back, not anymore... so for it to be sam? just impossible.
he doesn't have that kind of luck. ]
You made it difficult the moment you stepped between me and him.
[ the moment you effectively stopped him from carrying out his life long mission. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 06:43 am (UTC)He doesn't know who I am, Dean. The year is... wrong. [ 2006. And Lucifer would not bide his time with such petty tricks when he could so easily snap their necks. ] I'm not entirely useless.
[ He's glaring now, a spark of something old and familiar showing as he stares at him. ] And I would not lie to you. Everything we have done means more than that.
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 06:51 am (UTC)he scoffs, like what castiel says is funny of all things. ]
Really? Everything we've done? What about after what I did.
[ hey, look, he brought it up. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 07:17 am (UTC)When he looks at him, he sees the same face he's known for years. The same turn of his mouth, the same crease in his brow. The same unrecognizable expression of hardship and guilt. ] I will always go where you go. You didn't make that choice for me, and you still don't.
[ He'd walked in knowing the consequences and indifferent toward them. Even now, it had been worth it. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 07:05 pm (UTC)[ but then cas is saying words of loyalty that would have crushed dean some years ago. they tug at him even now, and he hates castiel for a minute, wonders what the hell is wrong with him, why he'd follow dean to certain death over a mission dean knows castiel has his own disagreements over. in the beginning, it had been this friendship and loyalty that dean had come to count on the most, to cherish only second to his bond with sam...
but just like when his brother had said yes, had burned away thanks to lucifer, so had dean's bond with cas. or at least, that's what he's told himself over the years, that in the end, there would be nothing left of who they had once been, which would make sacrificing his one friend easier.
yet even knowing that, cas still stands by the words he's always said to him and dean hates it. ]
Then you're a goddamn fool.
action;
Date: 2013-09-23 07:54 pm (UTC)I know what I am, Dean, but do you? [ It's a rushed breath, useless in the scheme of things. He doesn't dare repeat the truth, so he continues on. ] Your judgment is too clouded, and I refuse to watch you repeat old mistakes.
[ Castiel shakes his hands out and reaches up to grab at Dean's coat, curling tight in the fabric and ready to fight. He stands tall, not so much intimidating as he is angry. Weeks without a single dose of anything to cool him, and that obstinate flicker of an angel peers through the cracks. ]
And even if you say it, I won't leave. All we have is— [ He breathes in quickly and only stares at him. ] Please.
action;
Date: 2013-09-25 07:28 pm (UTC)Old mistakes? All I've tried to do is fix the mess your family made. [ from the moment he'd realized he should have said yes to michael, from the hours he'd spent screaming at the sky for it, to every decisions he'd made after. it's all been to stop everything from happening.
and yet, he knows was cas means, but doesn't want to see it. cas has no right to point it out, none.
a hard glance downwards as cas' hands cling to his clothing, but what he finds when his eyes meet cas' again is that spark of something more than human, something he hasn't seen in years. if anything, it upsets him further. ]
All we have is what? Nothing, Cas. [ he shoves at the ex-angel then, roughly to put space between them. ] Especially not now, not after that stunt you pulled in the church.
[ why won't you walk away from him already. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-28 06:18 pm (UTC)Castiel stumbles back a little with the push, but the hold doesn't disconnect. If anything, it only causes him to grip tighter, and he remembers, once, when he'd held onto something (someone) just as strongly. ]
No. [ He uses the leverage to lean forward and stare at him. A silent invitation: he will have to try harder than that. ] I have always believed that there was... more. This is not nothing.
[ His voice drops low. ]
I pulled it to save you. You were wrong.
action;
Date: 2013-09-28 06:47 pm (UTC)or should be, except cas keeps clinging even after dean shoves at him. ]
I'm not wrong. [ don't you even dare say that. ] You've lost it, Cas, finally spilled all your marbles, haven't you? Well, newsflash, you're useless to me like this, so get lost--
[ and he shoves again, this time with a step and enough force that should send cas right over the edge of the dock, right into the murky dark waters of the harbor. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-28 07:26 pm (UTC)But he can't. He won't. He's held on this long, and he absolutely refuses to let go.
So, he doesn't. His fingers dig even deeper into the fabric of the other man's clothes even as the momentum drags him backwards into the water. Perhaps it's selfish of him, but the fight is ingrained to his very core—if he falls, he will not go alone. And what's one more time? He takes Dean with him.
Castiel forgets to breathe when the cold slams into him, still clutching hard at Dean until his fingers finally numb and he has to push away. Water rushes into his mouth, and he chokes, trying to kick his way back to the surface. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-28 08:42 pm (UTC)seconds ago he was shoving at cas to back off, ready to punch him if he didn't get his way... and now it's dean who grabs a handful of cas' clothing, drags him back upwards to the surface.
breaking out from the muddy water, dean gasps for air, yanking cas with him. ]
Stupid--
[ son of a bitch. breathlessness steals his words though, leave him glaring at cas instead. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-28 09:33 pm (UTC)Castiel pushes him away and reaches out to grab the edge of the dock instead, teeth grit in an effort to calm himself. He's not afraid of the water, knows enough about swimming to keep himself afloat and not drown, but beyond that, there's a strange sort of tension in the dark below. Curious, deafening.
He feels dizzy, and by the time he manages to wipe at his face, he realizes his entire body is shaking. ]
At least I am - [ He breaks to cough again, spitting out what comes up. ] - willing to admit it.
[ And it's all he bothers to say, forcing his arms to work as he tries to pull himself from the water. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-28 10:01 pm (UTC)he hates what they are now, how it's all come down to this. hates it more than anything, and yet he'd been the one to push them in, shove at their bond even further. sure, he sees that, knows it's all on him, yet the anger is so hard to control these days...
dean starts after him then, drags himself out of the water and up the rocks. he doesn't bother helping cas, mutely makes his way past him until he's on even ground again, clothes soaked through and a chill settling on his skin. he tries his best not to shake though, even when he speaks up, finally, back turned to cas. ]
Until you come to your senses, I better not see so much as a hair of you.
[ or he'll make sure there won't be anything else left. ]
action;
Date: 2013-09-29 03:34 pm (UTC)The sound of Dean's voice is distant, but he hears himself saying something in response. okay or all right or some other variation of yes. Maybe he says it a few times to drill it in; he's not entirely sure. The only true thing he knows is that he doesn't turn to acknowledge him. Castiel doesn't look at Dean just as Dean doesn't look at him.
Instead, he rests his arms on bent knees and runs his fingers through wet hair to coax the water from it. He's freezing, and he harbors a strange suspicion it's more than his body that's cold. What else had he expected after all this time? ]
Goodbye, Dean. [ Mumbled quietly under his breath, his eyes the only part of him that feel hot. ]