[ He's lost count of how many times he's tried convincing himself to approach Dean over the last several days. If nothing else, he's persistent, and Castiel can't afford to lose his only friend to this. To Zelien or the mistakes he makes that he hadn't considered to be mistakes. But it's growing tiresome to repeat himself over and over, try to persuade the other man to see his side of things. He'd do anything to prove his loyalty to him, to their cause. Unfortunately, he thinks it might be suicide to attempt it.
At least recklessness seems to burn in his blood.
It's how he finds himself outside the place he'd been ousted from, waiting. There's no one inside, and he isn't sure it's good luck or bad that Sam isn't around. A buffer would have been welcome, though he doubts the younger Winchester's own affiliations with the devil would go over particularly well. Castiel leans against the wall, out in the open and arms crossed with intent. Even if he has to wait hours, he's going to fight to be heard. ]
[ dean has done his best to spare cas so much of a thought. of course, that doesn't mean it's worked, and the lack of his one friend in his life, despite why dean had thrown him out, is hard to ignore. but cas had betrayed him, had let him down with the one thing that was most important, and dean-- the trust isn't there anymore, and he has no idea if he can find it again.
it's later when dean returns to the new place, finds cas there. he's not surprised, but something visibly steels over his face at the sight of the other man. it's why, when he approaches, he goes to the door without a word, no greeting and no attempt to acknowledge him.
mature, right? right.
dean's gonna just ignore you as he opens the door and pushes inside. ]
[ It's not the worst he's expected. In fact, it's the most neutral reaction he'd considered among all the others, and there's a breath as the tension slowly leaves him. Even if Dean is outright ignoring him, it doesn't mean he's lost here. He takes the silence as room to speak, but only after he's followed him. He's not going to let him continue to add to the distance already between them, and he's certainly not going to simply be written off as if he'd meant nothing.
Castiel grips the door and pushes inside as well, closing the door and turning to face him. The strain is there again, as if it had never left, and it sits low in his belly. ]
Dean-- [ Mouth open, he immediately closes it and shoves his hands into his pockets to keep from fidgeting. ] I'm sorry.
[ It's spoken after a relatively long pause, quiet but loud enough in the shadows growing around them to sound as if he'd wanted to yell it. ]
[ he manages his temper fairly well at first. the silence helps, the familiar surroundings, too. he knows cas follows, can hear the footsteps that come after his, the door closing. he doesn't want cas inside, but for now he lets him be-- right until cas opens his mouth.
says he's sorry.
tension seeps into his shoulders, immediately and visibly. he's still turned away from cas, doesn't change that even as he speaks. ]
[ This isn't the first time he's been ordered about like this, and it's certainly not the first time he's chosen to ignore it. He'd had an elaborate speech to give him, something that might have meant more than the fragile things he'd offered him before, but they slip away at that. Easy, far too easy.
Purposely, he takes a step closer. ]
I need you to stop avoiding me and understand. [ He's doing his best to keep the words short and simple, not slurred. ] Please.
[ he's turning to look at cas then, face unreadable and hard, every bit the stoic fearless leader people had known him by at camp, not a speck of warmth anywhere to be seen. the words, they just continue to aggravate him, to rub him the wrong way and his temper is seconds from bursting. ]
We've said everything there needs to be said. You failed, and that's that. There's nothing else to understand.
[ He meets that look with one of his own, expression a bit on the thin side. As understanding as he is about all of this, about what he's done, he's also far more exasperated. Dean's mannerisms have never affected him as they might have others at the camp. He'd have laughed it off, waved his hand a little or rolled his eyes. Though Castiel doesn't do that now, he absolutely refuses to budge. ]
And that's all there's ever going to be? I'm... useless to you because I chose to think about our mission long-term? [ Another step, and it's dangerous now, how close he's getting to the other man.
How much he's disobeying him. ] I did all of this, everything, for you. It's always been for you, Dean. Now isn't the time to be pissed when I can finally deliver the only thing you've wanted for years.
[ Keep telling him to leave. He isn't going anywhere. ]
[ don't you fucking step closer either. but he'd had a chance to kill him, just to fucking end him for a moment, no matter if he comes back or not. and dean-- he can't forgive him that, not when he hadn't even told him of it until much later. ]
You keep sayin' that but you know what? It's bullshit. Whatever you're planning-- I don't want it. Not when I know there's something more tied to it. Some trick-- another secret.
[ He's never been particularly good at sticking to the safer side of things, and that also includes staying away from Dean when he's like this. So Castiel simply takes another step in. If he's choked because of it, so be it. If he happens to do something worse than that, so be it too. ]
There is no secret. I'm telling you everything there is to know
[ He raises a hand and presses a finger to Dean's chest, surprisingly steady as he looks at him. ]
It's. Real. [ And there's a slight poke with each word. ]
[ and of course, cas comes closer. he always does, always pushes until it ends with dean snapping, hurting him. it's like he wants it to happen now, too, when things are on ice so thin they haven't ever threaded before.
the pokes come, one, two, and dean's hand snaps out, encloses around cas' wrist hard. ]
I don't believe you.
[ and he twists, nearing pressure that could damage something permanently. ]
[ Really, he'd been expecting it, but despite that, the pain cuts through the fading pill haze he's still trying to shake. It hurts, and he breathes out with it, turning with the pressure of the twist and following so that it eases up just a fraction. Castiel doesn't fight him. He doesn't struggle or try to escape.
Instead, he closes his eyes and grits his teeth. ]
Then break it.
[ His voice is completely serious, level and firm. When he speaks, it's not to tease him or taunt him. More than that, it's like a threat. A dare. If Dean isn't going to listen, he's going to force his hand this way. Bones will heal, but the fracture that's splitting between them won't unless he does something to stop it. He's prepared this time. ]
[ dean snarls under his breath, grip still tight on cas. he could break it so easily, could hurt him and make him useless. but even then he knows it won't chase cas away, not permanently. and that's all dean wants, because seeing cas here, it almost makes him miss his friend--
almost. ]
When're you gonna realize I want nothing to do with you?
[ when are you gonna get it through your thick head?
dean huffs, and then let's go of as with a shove, turns away from him again. he's getting tired of this, so tired, yet the anger is also persistent, won't let him let go of everything that's been done. the kind of pain that's come from believing in sam, cas-- he can't keep going through it.
[ He releases him, and his hand immediately goes to his wrist, gently rubbing at the reddened skin in an attempt to ease the slow throb of pain that's still working its way up the limb. A tilt of his head, and Castiel does his best to make out Dean's silhouette from where he stands. ]
And when are you going to realize it doesn't matter?
[ Even if it does. Even if it's the only thing that's keeping him here and pulling him down. He's already so lost, and he'd be so utterly gone if it wasn't for Dean. He wishes he could see that. He wishes he could understand.
He drops his hands to his sides, just as quiet as he steps beside him. ]
I can't do that again. [ He can't walk away knowing what might happen. ]
[ he should know by now, but some part of him keeps hoping cas'll learn, that he'll choose someone else, someone better. and that way dean can rid himself of those who betray him, those who let him down.
funny, how he'd never thought can would be part of that group.
he turns to cas, rounds on him through the darkness. his words are vicious despite how his voice had been quiet, almost soft and pleading not moments before. ]
Why not? It was so easy for you last time.
[ you'd walked away just like that. so do it again. ]
[ But he still doesn't see it that way, and he doesn't think he ever will. He might have been wrong not to take the opportunity, but keeping the option open has led to so many others they could take advantage of, that they'd have never had if Castiel had given into the initial urge to ram his knife right into Lucifer's eye. The movement causes him to still, hands going up as if to brace Dean and put space between them if they got to close. Fingers brush material, and he grips it, immediately latching on. ]
Those were entirely different circumstances, Dean.
[ Too different. He pulls him in just a fraction more, feeling as if he's finally lost it. Years of abuse, and it's something so small and familiar that's pushed him over the edge. It's what makes him reckless, what has him standing toe-to-toe with the only person he has left to fight for. ]
I'm here to stay. I know you need me.
[ Even if Dean says otherwise, even if he never shows it, and worse than that, Castiel needs him too. ]
cas had still left, so why can't he now? dean doesn't finish it though, just clams up again with a huff. he can feel cas' grip on him, uniting them, and he wants nothing more than to shove him away, to put distance between them... yet at the same time, there's familiarity in this, but unlike before, it only brings memories of last time. of cas' words. ]
I don't need you.
[ he insists through gritted teeth. ]
Maybe I did-- maybe I was okay with that. But not anymore. I can't.
[ he can't need him, not when it'll cost him so dearly. ]
[ Or it wouldn't have touched him this much. The fact that Dean thinks he'd betrayed him wouldn't have hurt, and he wouldn't have lashed out so forcefully. Castiel readily accepts whatever he inflicts upon him without even blinking. That he can feel his breath when he breathes and the fall of his chest when he exhales shouldn't mean so much. ]
And you can. You will. [ He pauses, eyes wide in the dark in an effort to see him. ] We have tried it your way long enough. It's going to work, and I want you to have it.
[ A soft breath, and this time, he really might be begging him. ]
everything in him is screaming to resist, that just because their voices are soft and it's dark shouldn't mean he can relax and accept his-- that he should even begin to forgive. yet, maybe a part of him wants to despite everything.
dean's just not ready to listen to that part yet. ]
Why would your way work any better? How do you even have a way unless it's some team-up with him? Just--
[ he runs a hand through his hair then, like the conversation is becoming too much, too fast, and he doesn't want it anymore, doesn't like where it's heading, when he's starting to consider. ]
[ No. No, no, no, no, and no again. This is not where he wants this conversation to head, and this is not what he wants to be left with after risking them like this. ]
Because you don't want to accept what I'm saying doesn't make it finished. It's never over.
[ What they have, and what they need to do-- It's always going, always being fought for. Castiel's too far committed to this cause and to Dean to retreat and start over. It's why one of his hands smooths its way across a shoulder, following that movement of the hand to grip his wrist and pull it down. He presses Dean's palm right against his chest, close to his heart, and he follows with his own to keep it there. ]
I'm not working for him. You're my leader - I only look to you. [ He curls his fingers in. ] That hasn't changed, and it never will.
[ he wants to believe it, wants to move past this, but he just doesn't know how. trust is a thing dean's not good at, and it had taken every bit of him to put any into sam after what his brother had done. he's not sure he has enough to spare for cas, too, who was never meant to side with lucifer to begin with.
and yet here they are, standing in the dark with dean's hand resting over cas' chest, his friend's heart hammering away underneath his palm as warmth radiates from him. ]
Everything changes eventually, Cas. Even us.
[ they had stood by each other until the end back home, but this place has gone beyond that-- beyond their expected lives. ]
[ He needs him to believe it though. It's why he'd die for this and not overthink any of it whatsoever. He'd been willing once, and he'd done it before, walked several times over right to his death. He's always willing, and Castiel would hate to consider what would become of him if Dean never looked to him again or needed him to be useful, to pull his weight and do something. He needs that purpose, and despite what anyone may think, he's not a great leader. He doesn't want the burden that comes with it, can't accept the role as he'd been made to follow despite the mold he broke. When he made the decision to stay behind and grind himself into the mud.
Dean is his choice, his only choice, and would always be.
His heart races a little at the words, eyes squeezing shut a second to block out the rush of it in his ears. He wedges his fingers just so so they're threaded with Dean's, and it's-- What could he say? What could he do with that? He doesn't want to break him. ]
I think we already have, but it's not always a bad change. [ For better or worse, he doesn't know, and he opens his eyes again. ] I won't. No more secrets.
[ Which isn't what he'd wanted anyway, so he's saying it now. ]
[ the anger is there, but it bubbles quietly under the surface now, much like it always does. it had been fire-hot and bleeding over these past few days, and dean wonders how he hasn't spilled any blood over it. but now-- now, in this moment where it should burn the hottest, he finds himself calming down instead. there's that part of him which breathes stubbornness that doesn't want to believe, even now, but it's being smothered with the rest, the logic.
fingers laced over cas' chest, dean looks at his friend through the darkness.
he could threaten him, tell him if he does this again, there'll be consequences, some far worse than this fight they've had so far. but he doesn't, saves his breath... mostly because even dean knows that if this happens again, he...
well, he doesn't want to think about it. ]
Alright.
[ it's quiet, like he's sealing the deal and finally okay with it, too. ]
I need you to stand by my side.
[ for himself, not the mission. he needs him, and-- he supposes it's always been that way. if it weren't for cas, he might have lost what little humanity he does still have in him along with sam. ]
Castiel can hear all of it in that single word, the threat just as loud as the need. How it's gotten to be like this remains a mystery, but like most things with Dean, he doesn't question it. The last several weeks have brought them physically closer than they've ever been and thrust them apart in the same breath, and he can only keep up so much until he's dizzy with the thought of it. He gives the hand he holds a soft squeeze and carefully detaches them. ]
I never left you. [ It's then he dares to reach out and grip that arm in that spot. There is nothing to feel, not through the layers of clothing, but it's impossible to forget, burned into his memory as deep as it's burned into the other man's skin.
The pressure he applies is gentle but firm. ] You only had to look - I'm with you, Dean.
[ He is Castiel's reminder the world could be right. If they go out, they're going together. ]
[ the touch is almost expected, yet the feel of cas' grip over that part of him, over skin that's never fully healed int something smooth, it tingles. dean remains quiet through the words, accepts them for what they are; the truth. he has to, or the paranoia might be the end of him. ]
You should... stay here.
[ with them, with him. it's their new home, and... maybe dean had been wrong to force him to leave, despite his anger. he can't change the past now though, only let cas back in. ]
[ No one prefers sleeping in some ruined pool in a dark rec building, but it's not as if that particular part matters now considering the entirety of Zelien is without power. He hadn't really given it too much thought with everything else. He drops his hand and pulls back, shaking his head--whether or not he sees it doesn't matter. ]
Is that what you want?
[ Because he doesn't want to assume, and all of this feels... strained, stretched, weird. Castiel lightly curls his fingers at his sides. ]
I could stay. But we should discuss the sleeping arrangements.
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(w17d1) action.
Date: 2014-03-16 10:52 pm (UTC)At least recklessness seems to burn in his blood.
It's how he finds himself outside the place he'd been ousted from, waiting. There's no one inside, and he isn't sure it's good luck or bad that Sam isn't around. A buffer would have been welcome, though he doubts the younger Winchester's own affiliations with the devil would go over particularly well. Castiel leans against the wall, out in the open and arms crossed with intent. Even if he has to wait hours, he's going to fight to be heard. ]
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Date: 2014-03-16 11:24 pm (UTC)it's later when dean returns to the new place, finds cas there. he's not surprised, but something visibly steels over his face at the sight of the other man. it's why, when he approaches, he goes to the door without a word, no greeting and no attempt to acknowledge him.
mature, right? right.
dean's gonna just ignore you as he opens the door and pushes inside. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 12:00 am (UTC)Castiel grips the door and pushes inside as well, closing the door and turning to face him. The strain is there again, as if it had never left, and it sits low in his belly. ]
Dean-- [ Mouth open, he immediately closes it and shoves his hands into his pockets to keep from fidgeting. ] I'm sorry.
[ It's spoken after a relatively long pause, quiet but loud enough in the shadows growing around them to sound as if he'd wanted to yell it. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 12:11 am (UTC)says he's sorry.
tension seeps into his shoulders, immediately and visibly. he's still turned away from cas, doesn't change that even as he speaks. ]
Out.
[ get the hell out. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 12:26 am (UTC)[ This isn't the first time he's been ordered about like this, and it's certainly not the first time he's chosen to ignore it. He'd had an elaborate speech to give him, something that might have meant more than the fragile things he'd offered him before, but they slip away at that. Easy, far too easy.
Purposely, he takes a step closer. ]
I need you to stop avoiding me and understand. [ He's doing his best to keep the words short and simple, not slurred. ] Please.
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Date: 2014-03-17 01:03 am (UTC)A little too late for that now.
[ he's turning to look at cas then, face unreadable and hard, every bit the stoic fearless leader people had known him by at camp, not a speck of warmth anywhere to be seen. the words, they just continue to aggravate him, to rub him the wrong way and his temper is seconds from bursting. ]
We've said everything there needs to be said. You failed, and that's that. There's nothing else to understand.
[ and then, again; ]
Leave.
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Date: 2014-03-17 01:19 am (UTC)And that's all there's ever going to be? I'm... useless to you because I chose to think about our mission long-term? [ Another step, and it's dangerous now, how close he's getting to the other man.
How much he's disobeying him. ] I did all of this, everything, for you. It's always been for you, Dean. Now isn't the time to be pissed when I can finally deliver the only thing you've wanted for years.
[ Keep telling him to leave. He isn't going anywhere. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 03:36 am (UTC)Yes.
[ don't you fucking step closer either. but he'd had a chance to kill him, just to fucking end him for a moment, no matter if he comes back or not. and dean-- he can't forgive him that, not when he hadn't even told him of it until much later. ]
You keep sayin' that but you know what? It's bullshit. Whatever you're planning-- I don't want it. Not when I know there's something more tied to it. Some trick-- another secret.
[ he'll do things his way. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 03:52 am (UTC)There is no secret. I'm telling you everything there is to know
[ He raises a hand and presses a finger to Dean's chest, surprisingly steady as he looks at him. ]
It's. Real. [ And there's a slight poke with each word. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 04:49 am (UTC)the pokes come, one, two, and dean's hand snaps out, encloses around cas' wrist hard. ]
I don't believe you.
[ and he twists, nearing pressure that could damage something permanently. ]
I'm breakin' your arm unless you go.
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Date: 2014-03-17 05:02 am (UTC)Instead, he closes his eyes and grits his teeth. ]
Then break it.
[ His voice is completely serious, level and firm. When he speaks, it's not to tease him or taunt him. More than that, it's like a threat. A dare. If Dean isn't going to listen, he's going to force his hand this way. Bones will heal, but the fracture that's splitting between them won't unless he does something to stop it. He's prepared this time. ]
I'm not leaving you.
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Date: 2014-03-17 05:21 am (UTC)almost. ]
When're you gonna realize I want nothing to do with you?
[ when are you gonna get it through your thick head?
dean huffs, and then let's go of as with a shove, turns away from him again. he's getting tired of this, so tired, yet the anger is also persistent, won't let him let go of everything that's been done. the kind of pain that's come from believing in sam, cas-- he can't keep going through it.
it's quiet, so, so quiet what he breathes next. ]
Please.
[ go. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 05:43 am (UTC)And when are you going to realize it doesn't matter?
[ Even if it does. Even if it's the only thing that's keeping him here and pulling him down. He's already so lost, and he'd be so utterly gone if it wasn't for Dean. He wishes he could see that. He wishes he could understand.
He drops his hands to his sides, just as quiet as he steps beside him. ]
I can't do that again. [ He can't walk away knowing what might happen. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 05:58 am (UTC)funny, how he'd never thought can would be part of that group.
he turns to cas, rounds on him through the darkness. his words are vicious despite how his voice had been quiet, almost soft and pleading not moments before. ]
Why not? It was so easy for you last time.
[ you'd walked away just like that. so do it again. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 06:12 am (UTC)Those were entirely different circumstances, Dean.
[ Too different. He pulls him in just a fraction more, feeling as if he's finally lost it. Years of abuse, and it's something so small and familiar that's pushed him over the edge. It's what makes him reckless, what has him standing toe-to-toe with the only person he has left to fight for. ]
I'm here to stay. I know you need me.
[ Even if Dean says otherwise, even if he never shows it, and worse than that, Castiel needs him too. ]
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Date: 2014-03-17 06:42 am (UTC)cas had still left, so why can't he now? dean doesn't finish it though, just clams up again with a huff. he can feel cas' grip on him, uniting them, and he wants nothing more than to shove him away, to put distance between them... yet at the same time, there's familiarity in this, but unlike before, it only brings memories of last time. of cas' words. ]
I don't need you.
[ he insists through gritted teeth. ]
Maybe I did-- maybe I was okay with that. But not anymore. I can't.
[ he can't need him, not when it'll cost him so dearly. ]
And I want no part in whatever you're planning.
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Date: 2014-03-17 06:54 am (UTC)[ Or it wouldn't have touched him this much. The fact that Dean thinks he'd betrayed him wouldn't have hurt, and he wouldn't have lashed out so forcefully. Castiel readily accepts whatever he inflicts upon him without even blinking. That he can feel his breath when he breathes and the fall of his chest when he exhales shouldn't mean so much. ]
And you can. You will. [ He pauses, eyes wide in the dark in an effort to see him. ] We have tried it your way long enough. It's going to work, and I want you to have it.
[ A soft breath, and this time, he really might be begging him. ]
Please.
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Date: 2014-03-17 07:19 am (UTC)[ he's shaking his head--
everything in him is screaming to resist, that just because their voices are soft and it's dark shouldn't mean he can relax and accept his-- that he should even begin to forgive. yet, maybe a part of him wants to despite everything.
dean's just not ready to listen to that part yet. ]
Why would your way work any better? How do you even have a way unless it's some team-up with him? Just--
[ he runs a hand through his hair then, like the conversation is becoming too much, too fast, and he doesn't want it anymore, doesn't like where it's heading, when he's starting to consider. ]
We're done here.
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Date: 2014-03-17 07:45 am (UTC)Because you don't want to accept what I'm saying doesn't make it finished. It's never over.
[ What they have, and what they need to do-- It's always going, always being fought for. Castiel's too far committed to this cause and to Dean to retreat and start over. It's why one of his hands smooths its way across a shoulder, following that movement of the hand to grip his wrist and pull it down. He presses Dean's palm right against his chest, close to his heart, and he follows with his own to keep it there. ]
I'm not working for him. You're my leader - I only look to you. [ He curls his fingers in. ] That hasn't changed, and it never will.
[ He's not going to stop. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 12:44 am (UTC)and yet here they are, standing in the dark with dean's hand resting over cas' chest, his friend's heart hammering away underneath his palm as warmth radiates from him. ]
Everything changes eventually, Cas. Even us.
[ they had stood by each other until the end back home, but this place has gone beyond that-- beyond their expected lives. ]
I can't have you doing this to me again.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 01:38 am (UTC)Dean is his choice, his only choice, and would always be.
His heart races a little at the words, eyes squeezing shut a second to block out the rush of it in his ears. He wedges his fingers just so so they're threaded with Dean's, and it's-- What could he say? What could he do with that? He doesn't want to break him. ]
I think we already have, but it's not always a bad change. [ For better or worse, he doesn't know, and he opens his eyes again. ] I won't. No more secrets.
[ Which isn't what he'd wanted anyway, so he's saying it now. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-03-18 06:54 pm (UTC)fingers laced over cas' chest, dean looks at his friend through the darkness.
he could threaten him, tell him if he does this again, there'll be consequences, some far worse than this fight they've had so far. but he doesn't, saves his breath... mostly because even dean knows that if this happens again, he...
well, he doesn't want to think about it. ]
Alright.
[ it's quiet, like he's sealing the deal and finally okay with it, too. ]
I need you to stand by my side.
[ for himself, not the mission. he needs him, and-- he supposes it's always been that way. if it weren't for cas, he might have lost what little humanity he does still have in him along with sam. ]
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Date: 2014-03-18 11:17 pm (UTC)Castiel can hear all of it in that single word, the threat just as loud as the need. How it's gotten to be like this remains a mystery, but like most things with Dean, he doesn't question it. The last several weeks have brought them physically closer than they've ever been and thrust them apart in the same breath, and he can only keep up so much until he's dizzy with the thought of it. He gives the hand he holds a soft squeeze and carefully detaches them. ]
I never left you. [ It's then he dares to reach out and grip that arm in that spot. There is nothing to feel, not through the layers of clothing, but it's impossible to forget, burned into his memory as deep as it's burned into the other man's skin.
The pressure he applies is gentle but firm. ] You only had to look - I'm with you, Dean.
[ He is Castiel's reminder the world could be right. If they go out, they're going together. ]
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Date: 2014-03-20 07:48 am (UTC)You should... stay here.
[ with them, with him. it's their new home, and... maybe dean had been wrong to force him to leave, despite his anger. he can't change the past now though, only let cas back in. ]
Unless you prefer wherever you've been sleeping.
[ he would understand. ]
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Date: 2014-03-20 11:41 pm (UTC)Is that what you want?
[ Because he doesn't want to assume, and all of this feels... strained, stretched, weird. Castiel lightly curls his fingers at his sides. ]
I could stay. But we should discuss the sleeping arrangements.
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