Haven't you learned anything from what's happened before?
[ He doesn't want to deal with this. He doesn't want to say it. But if no one else does, it's just going to keep going in circles. Castiel is starting to get dizzy. ]
[ true as it might be, it's still a slap to the face. dean stares at the choice, few words, the anger bubbling furious and immediate-- so much so it's incredible he doesn't throw the device into the wall. ]
If you're saying I'm the reason he said yes before, you come say it to my face.
I'm saying it could have been a deciding factor. [ Not that he knows for certain, but maybe he's just trying to pick a fight now. ] If you want to see me, find me yourself.
[ And that's all he's going to say. Don't expect him to answer you. ]
[ it takes dean a while to find him -- something that should cool him down but only really makes him angrier -- and the only reason he does is because he spots cas on the way back from somewhere, at the entrance into the dorm building.
his greeting comes in the form of slamming cas right against the brick wall, one hand curling around the other man's neck, the other pinning down his chest-- ]
Anything else you wanna add 'bout how I drove my brother into Lucifer's arms? Tell me, I'm all ears.
[ If there's anything to be said about Dean, it's that he's persistent--and thorough. Castiel had been avoiding the dorms for that particular reason, but he'd slipped. Now, they are here, and there's a sharp, throbbing ache working its way up his spine to the back of his head. Air leaves his lungs with a soft ugh, hand immediately up to wrap around the wrist of the hand pressed to his throat. ]
I think I've said all that needs to be said. [ His smile is strained. ] For the moment.
[ He's not afraid of Dean by any means. If he wants a fight, Castiel will give him one. ]
Shut up. [ the fingers squeeze down, relentless in their hold as he doesn't budge an inch despite the hand wrapping around his wrist. ]
First you come to me with some stupid half-assed plan about moving out, and then you blame me for Lucifer getting his hands on Sam. You have a lotta fuckin' nerve.
[ if there's one thing dean doesn't need a reminder of, it's being the reason for sam saying yes. he knows. he knows he drove sam to it, knows he made his brother hate him so much the devil seemed like the better option, but to have that rubbed in his face?
not gonna happen. ]
You think just 'cause we were stuck in some hotel fridge together that you can get away with this shit? That it changes anything? You're wrong.
[ He listens to those accusations and forces them to roll off. Perhaps the idea had lacked foresight, but he'd given it with good intention, with promise of making something they could look to as a second home. Castiel waits through every single one, gaze half-focused on something behind Dean until he thinks he's allowed to speak again.
He tries. ]
Of course not. [ The words are soft and quiet. ] Nothing is ever going to change. It's why Sam insists on courting the Devil. It's... why we're like this.
[ Because it's always the same. They seek out what they know, and it's also why this is beginning to repeat itself. If Dean presses any harder, he's going to knee him and take the advantage. Still, he waits and bides his time carefully. He meets Dean's eyes. ]
But it doesn't make what I've said less of a truth.
[ what part of shut up didn't you understand, cas? the anger is blinding as it is strong, and dean is seconds away from completely losing himself in it. the truth is such a painfully, twisted thing that he can't-- stand to hear it, not at all. can't face it despite knowing it to be as cas says it is.
but he just-- ]
I said shut up.
[ this time he presses with intent, with something that lacks control just like this situation. how it got to this point is beyond dean but he doesn't care. only that cas shuts his mouth. ]
[ He presses to stop, to choke, and instinct floods Castiel's body, fingers curling and digging hard into the tender underside of Dean's wrist. Like a scratch, pushing nail into skin. It's then, too, that he uses the wall as leverage and pushes off of it, angling his leg up to knee him hard-- The stomach, groin. It doesn't matter what he's aiming for.
Only that he connects with flesh, throws him off guard. And does it hard.
But it's not as if he stops there, pulling his elbow in and using his forearm to break the hold Dean has on his throat. He sucks in a mouthful of air and feels dizzy, impossibly so at the sudden rush of oxygen. Maybe he coughs, staggers. Despite knowing to get space between them, recover his stance, he's glaring at him, fingers touching at his throat.
It's going to bruise. ]
I know enough. [ More than he wants to. Castiel breathes and moves to tackle him. ]
[ with the press comes the will to fight; something dean should know but doesn't see coming. not until cas is clawing at his wrist, and then sending a knee right into his stomach. it gets him stumbling back, sharp, numbing pain pulsing trough his entire system as he grips a hand over his lower body, curses falling from his lips.
and then he's falling, cas' weight slamming against him in a tackle that ends with him on the ground, grunting as the hard stone meets with his back. ]
Fuck you--
[ dean swings a fist blindly, wanting to break cas' face but who knows if it'll end up anywhere near there. whatever, as long as there's pain involved, he'll keep dishing punches out. ]
[ The impact shouldn't surprise him, but it does enough to jar his entire body. He lands hard on top of Dean, half-straddling him as he mindlessly reaches out to curl a hand into the fabric of his jacket and yank. Pull, shake, upset his orientation. It causes that fist Dean lashes out with to go astray, slamming hard into his shoulder.
Castiel grunts, teeth grit. Then, he's balling up his hand, drawing back and connecting his own fist with Dean's jaw. Pain flares through his knuckles, but he's far from stopping. ]
Is that really all you've got?
[ Taunting, encouraging him to hurt him. So they can hurt each other. He leans back, fist up again to follow through with a second punch as he yanks on his clothes. It leaves him a little unbalanced, open. ]
[ when the fist doesn't hit, dean's thrown off balance even more, and cas' own hit erupts pain throughout his entire face. he's grunting again then, feels blood swell somewhere inside his mouth thanks to broken skin, but it does nothing to deter the anger.
the taunting only helps, has him all but growling as he takes advantage of cas leaning back. he swings at him from the side, more a shove than anything else, though there's unmistakable power behind the force of it all. ]
Do you have a death wish?
[ because he's halfway considering delivering, which goes to show just how out of control everything is becoming. ]
[ He doesn't know why they're doing this, why they're fighting or close to killing each other. Dean could do it. Castiel knows he could. But he could also end him, no less adept at killing than the other man beneath him. Breath leaves him once more in a loud gasp with the blind shove, using his thighs to squeeze those hips and keep himself from toppling over. ]
Do you?
[ It's a useless response, gripping Dean's jacket and hauling himself close. The length of his forearm shoves itself under Dean's chin and stops short of pressing in to choke him. He leans down, glaring at him. ] What are you trying to prove?
[ That he can kill him? If that's the case, Castiel isn't going to roll over and surrender. ]
[ he'd hoped to topple cas over, but true to the world they come from, cas doesn't fall easily and instead manages to stay on. dean's going in for another shove, hands digging, shoving, pushing at castiel's side but from where he lies it's hard to get the right amount of force.
the press of cas' forearm stills him entirely and suddenly, forces him to tilt his head back as he draws a quick gasp of a breath.
what are you trying to prove? he doesn't know, and it stops him short. it bubbles under his skin, anger and hatred but he doesn't know why-- why now. the words, the accusation and the truth of what cas had said had triggered this, but why now? why react this way? it's all crashing around him then, like he can see what he's doing but has no idea why--
dean swallows hard, not moving an inch otherwise. ]
[ He, too, is persistent, and Castiel isn't going to give him the room to take the advantage in this situation. It angers him that Dean thinks that attacking him is going to get them anywhere at all when they're nowhere to begin with, and just for a moment, he pushes in with his arm. He could choke him just as easily as Dean has choked him. He could--
The words snap him back to the present, and he eases up on the pressure. ]
No. [ Castiel shifts and leans down so that he has no choice but to look at his face. ] If this is the only way to make you understand, so be it.
[ Because he refuses to follow that command when there is no answer. Dean never gives him anything, never trusts him enough. He only pushes and expects him to fall to his word instantly without complaint. Things have changed, and Castiel with them. It's the best lesson he's ever learned from their time together, from Dean himself. Change to survive, adapt. He sucks in a breath and doesn't move. ]
[ there's a glare, poisonous and without hesitation cast cas' way. one hand comes to curls around cas' arm, the one pinning down harder on his neck. he can't draw breath as easily now, lips parted slightly as he gasps again. such a reverse from seconds earlier, yet dean's anger is shifting into something else, something equally dangerous but less apparent.
it's turning, directing itself back at himself rather than cas. ]
You don't think I know I was the one who drove Sam into saying yes? [ he does, he does, and he hates himself for it. ]
I don't need a fucking reminder-- I don't need you rubbing it in my face.
[ because every time he does, it breaks something further in him, something dean has no idea how to begin fixing. ]
[ There's the slightest jerk of his head at those words. Always so close, and it's because they can never seem to agree with each other. ]
It wasn't a reminder. [ Because he doesn't know. He thinks it might have been something, but that couldn't have been all of it. Not with what he knows about Sam and who he is. ] I need you to see what you refuse to. All of this will happen again if you don't.
[ If he doesn't stop. If he doesn't allow Sam the choice. If he doesn't make peace with himself and what's been done. Castiel can't reach inside to adjust those pieces of him. He would if he could, but it's impossible to do so with how much damage has been done already. They are barely holding themselves together as it is. Anymore, and he fears there will be nothing to salvage.
Almost gently, he slides his arm so that his hand replaces it, thumb pressing right against his Adam's apple. If he pushed hard enough, dug in without restraint, he could crush his voice box. ]
And neither of us will survive it. [ Not for long. ]
[ the touch stills him some more, enough for dean to almost hold his breath like he's expecting cas to do the very thing he's thinking. maybe a part of him wants him to. an eye for an eye, after all, dean had been the one to get cas killed before.
it'd be so fucking fitting. it's why his hand relaxes around cas' wrist, allowing. ]
I can't. [ he breathes the words quietly. ]
What if he still chooses Lucifer-- I'll have done it all again. It'll be just like before. There's no winning--
[ giving him space, a choice doesn't sound great to dean when he fears sam will still make the wrong one, no matter what dean does or doesn't do. how can he just be knowing sam might do so? ]
[ He feels the tension in the breath that he doesn't take, in the way he relaxes his grip, but Castiel isn't thinking about extracting revenge. Dean is not the enemy here. Not for him, at least. The pad of his thumb skirts over to rest against the pulse, feeling the way his body pumps life through him as he watches his face. He'd hardly be so petty as to kill him like this. He doesn't want to.
His mouth thins at the word. That he can't. ]
You can. [ He says them just as quietly as Dean does. ] Your brother-- He told me he wants to do what's right, but you're smothering him. Being naive doesn't make him stupid, Dean.
Believe he will make the correct choice. Help him. [ Stop pushing him away. Stop fighting them. ] The odds of defeating Lucifer are better in our favor if we're together.
[ dean's not sure he has that kind of faith left. that kind of hope. or if he ever had, but it's definitely lost right now, locked away in some deep depths of... something he can't reach.
he shifts underneath cas slightly, uncertainty and unwillingness-- the usual fight threatening to gear up within him again. but he forces it down, won't let it override everything again. ]
Our ideas of right aren't the same-- he'd sacrifice himself if he thought it would save everyone.
[ dean doesn't want that... but then, it's not his choice, is it? that's what they've been trying to tell him.
[ Even if it's not his choice, he can influence it. But the approach he's taken is the wrong one. That's all Castiel wants him to see. That's all he's trying to do here. He eases up again with his hand, resting it flat against his chest in case he entertains the idea of trying to throw him off or attack him again. ]
Then we convince him otherwise. [ It's said softly. ] But threatening him will get us nowhere.
[ He will do what he wants regardless of the things they have tried to do if Dean keeps doing as he has. Castiel has learned much in his years as a mortal. Violence never brings a person closer. A moment, and he shifts again, tilting his head to meet Dean's eyes. His throat is beginning to burn and throb. The words are a bit strained. ]
... I'm sorry. [ For implying he'd pushed Sam to say yes. ]
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no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 07:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 08:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 08:07 am (UTC)1/2
Date: 2014-02-24 08:11 am (UTC)[ He doesn't want to deal with this. He doesn't want to say it. But if no one else does, it's just going to keep going in circles. Castiel is starting to get dizzy. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 08:12 am (UTC)WOW
Date: 2014-02-24 08:22 am (UTC)If you're saying I'm the reason he said yes before, you come say it to my face.
[ so he can murder you. ]
OH I'M SORRY YOU WERE EXPECTING SOMETHING ELSE?
Date: 2014-02-24 08:27 am (UTC)[ And that's all he's going to say. Don't expect him to answer you. ]
here we go fun times ahead
Date: 2014-02-24 08:35 am (UTC)his greeting comes in the form of slamming cas right against the brick wall, one hand curling around the other man's neck, the other pinning down his chest-- ]
Anything else you wanna add 'bout how I drove my brother into Lucifer's arms? Tell me, I'm all ears.
[ a hiss that's spat in cas' face. ]
your definition of fun hurts me
Date: 2014-02-24 08:44 am (UTC)I think I've said all that needs to be said. [ His smile is strained. ] For the moment.
[ He's not afraid of Dean by any means. If he wants a fight, Castiel will give him one. ]
playing rough is the best tho
Date: 2014-02-24 08:53 am (UTC)First you come to me with some stupid half-assed plan about moving out, and then you blame me for Lucifer getting his hands on Sam. You have a lotta fuckin' nerve.
[ if there's one thing dean doesn't need a reminder of, it's being the reason for sam saying yes. he knows. he knows he drove sam to it, knows he made his brother hate him so much the devil seemed like the better option, but to have that rubbed in his face?
not gonna happen. ]
You think just 'cause we were stuck in some hotel fridge together that you can get away with this shit? That it changes anything? You're wrong.
now this is just getting kinky
Date: 2014-02-24 09:08 am (UTC)He tries. ]
Of course not. [ The words are soft and quiet. ] Nothing is ever going to change. It's why Sam insists on courting the Devil. It's... why we're like this.
[ Because it's always the same. They seek out what they know, and it's also why this is beginning to repeat itself. If Dean presses any harder, he's going to knee him and take the advantage. Still, he waits and bides his time carefully. He meets Dean's eyes. ]
But it doesn't make what I've said less of a truth.
always
Date: 2014-02-24 09:28 am (UTC)but he just-- ]
I said shut up.
[ this time he presses with intent, with something that lacks control just like this situation. how it got to this point is beyond dean but he doesn't care. only that cas shuts his mouth. ]
You don't know shit--
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 09:41 am (UTC)Only that he connects with flesh, throws him off guard. And does it hard.
But it's not as if he stops there, pulling his elbow in and using his forearm to break the hold Dean has on his throat. He sucks in a mouthful of air and feels dizzy, impossibly so at the sudden rush of oxygen. Maybe he coughs, staggers. Despite knowing to get space between them, recover his stance, he's glaring at him, fingers touching at his throat.
It's going to bruise. ]
I know enough. [ More than he wants to. Castiel breathes and moves to tackle him. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 09:50 am (UTC)and then he's falling, cas' weight slamming against him in a tackle that ends with him on the ground, grunting as the hard stone meets with his back. ]
Fuck you--
[ dean swings a fist blindly, wanting to break cas' face but who knows if it'll end up anywhere near there. whatever, as long as there's pain involved, he'll keep dishing punches out. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 10:01 am (UTC)Castiel grunts, teeth grit. Then, he's balling up his hand, drawing back and connecting his own fist with Dean's jaw. Pain flares through his knuckles, but he's far from stopping. ]
Is that really all you've got?
[ Taunting, encouraging him to hurt him. So they can hurt each other. He leans back, fist up again to follow through with a second punch as he yanks on his clothes. It leaves him a little unbalanced, open. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 08:59 pm (UTC)the taunting only helps, has him all but growling as he takes advantage of cas leaning back. he swings at him from the side, more a shove than anything else, though there's unmistakable power behind the force of it all. ]
Do you have a death wish?
[ because he's halfway considering delivering, which goes to show just how out of control everything is becoming. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 10:49 pm (UTC)Do you?
[ It's a useless response, gripping Dean's jacket and hauling himself close. The length of his forearm shoves itself under Dean's chin and stops short of pressing in to choke him. He leans down, glaring at him. ] What are you trying to prove?
[ That he can kill him? If that's the case, Castiel isn't going to roll over and surrender. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 11:12 pm (UTC)the press of cas' forearm stills him entirely and suddenly, forces him to tilt his head back as he draws a quick gasp of a breath.
what are you trying to prove? he doesn't know, and it stops him short. it bubbles under his skin, anger and hatred but he doesn't know why-- why now. the words, the accusation and the truth of what cas had said had triggered this, but why now? why react this way? it's all crashing around him then, like he can see what he's doing but has no idea why--
dean swallows hard, not moving an inch otherwise. ]
Get off me.
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 11:34 pm (UTC)The words snap him back to the present, and he eases up on the pressure. ]
No. [ Castiel shifts and leans down so that he has no choice but to look at his face. ] If this is the only way to make you understand, so be it.
[ Because he refuses to follow that command when there is no answer. Dean never gives him anything, never trusts him enough. He only pushes and expects him to fall to his word instantly without complaint. Things have changed, and Castiel with them. It's the best lesson he's ever learned from their time together, from Dean himself. Change to survive, adapt. He sucks in a breath and doesn't move. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-24 11:56 pm (UTC)it's turning, directing itself back at himself rather than cas. ]
You don't think I know I was the one who drove Sam into saying yes? [ he does, he does, and he hates himself for it. ]
I don't need a fucking reminder-- I don't need you rubbing it in my face.
[ because every time he does, it breaks something further in him, something dean has no idea how to begin fixing. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-25 12:24 am (UTC)It wasn't a reminder. [ Because he doesn't know. He thinks it might have been something, but that couldn't have been all of it. Not with what he knows about Sam and who he is. ] I need you to see what you refuse to. All of this will happen again if you don't.
[ If he doesn't stop. If he doesn't allow Sam the choice. If he doesn't make peace with himself and what's been done. Castiel can't reach inside to adjust those pieces of him. He would if he could, but it's impossible to do so with how much damage has been done already. They are barely holding themselves together as it is. Anymore, and he fears there will be nothing to salvage.
Almost gently, he slides his arm so that his hand replaces it, thumb pressing right against his Adam's apple. If he pushed hard enough, dug in without restraint, he could crush his voice box. ]
And neither of us will survive it. [ Not for long. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-25 12:48 am (UTC)it'd be so fucking fitting. it's why his hand relaxes around cas' wrist, allowing. ]
I can't. [ he breathes the words quietly. ]
What if he still chooses Lucifer-- I'll have done it all again. It'll be just like before. There's no winning--
[ giving him space, a choice doesn't sound great to dean when he fears sam will still make the wrong one, no matter what dean does or doesn't do. how can he just be knowing sam might do so? ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-25 01:31 am (UTC)His mouth thins at the word. That he can't. ]
You can. [ He says them just as quietly as Dean does. ] Your brother-- He told me he wants to do what's right, but you're smothering him. Being naive doesn't make him stupid, Dean.
Believe he will make the correct choice. Help him. [ Stop pushing him away. Stop fighting them. ] The odds of defeating Lucifer are better in our favor if we're together.
no subject
Date: 2014-02-25 03:49 am (UTC)he shifts underneath cas slightly, uncertainty and unwillingness-- the usual fight threatening to gear up within him again. but he forces it down, won't let it override everything again. ]
Our ideas of right aren't the same-- he'd sacrifice himself if he thought it would save everyone.
[ dean doesn't want that... but then, it's not his choice, is it? that's what they've been trying to tell him.
right? ]
no subject
Date: 2014-02-25 04:30 am (UTC)Then we convince him otherwise. [ It's said softly. ] But threatening him will get us nowhere.
[ He will do what he wants regardless of the things they have tried to do if Dean keeps doing as he has. Castiel has learned much in his years as a mortal. Violence never brings a person closer. A moment, and he shifts again, tilting his head to meet Dean's eyes. His throat is beginning to burn and throb. The words are a bit strained. ]
... I'm sorry. [ For implying he'd pushed Sam to say yes. ]
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