hardhearted | ic inbox ; exitvoid

[ Of course it doesn't add up, he wants to say. Yell, shove, and push it at him. Of course it doesn't. Because if it did, they wouldn't be here doing this to each other. He wouldn't be confusing him to the point it's stopped making sense. He wouldn't want things he shouldn't be allowed to. He's hardly done anything to warrant it, after all, and Castiel opens his mouth to defend those plans -- they were his -- but pulls up short with the rest of what Dean says.

i don't want to face one alone

Alone? His eyes drop to the hand over his, and it's like his heart is pushing up to pound in his throat, locking it tight so it's difficult to form a response. He swallows and tilts his head back to look at him. This is... more than he could have ever thought. It's like he's not even hearing it, not really, and he steps back, like he's trying to run from it before he surrenders to that pull.

He practically crashes into him getting both arms around him, curling tight around him and pressing into the hug with every inch of his body. ]

You're not alone. [ Never has been. Never will be. They'd have to destroy him entirely to make such a thing possible, and Castiel tucks his face against the side of his neck, holding onto him with every intention of not letting him go. ]

[ castiel steps away, and dean feels the beginning of something cold shooting up his spine, something fragile and hidden begin to crack. but it never gets the chance to, never breaks because next thing dean knows, cas is pressed right against him, all warmth and comfort, the scent of him, the feel of him all there suddenly. all along with his arms crushing around him, so tightly, a hug--

dean's sucked in a sharp breath, surprise and shock in the sound of it as he tenses up.

you're not alone.

he feels cas' breath on his neck, the line of his nose, the shape of his mouth. it takes a minute, two, until he finally relaxes some. his own arms come around cas too, despite the pain shooting up one, hands at castiel's hips, then sliding to the small of his back. hugs are few and far between, but this is... it's nice, so much nicer than he could have imagined.

he wants cas there. he doesn't want to be alone, not because of their mission, never because of that.

cas has been sent to his death once, already. dean won't let that happen again. ]

[ He keeps his eyes closed and just breathes him in.

Of what he's learned, of the things he's still processing, this has to be the most important piece to the winding puzzle that's become his life. Mortal and terribly so, lost to the hands of time and age and cracking under the weight of it all-- It's this small bit of hope that keeps him afloat, stays him and stops him from drowning under the waves of his own misery. There's a soft sound of approval when Dean returns the embrace, gently easing back to look at him from this particular angle.

The slight smear of freckles across his nose and cheeks, the depth behind Dean's eyes. Castiel's never really noticed it before, never dared to allow himself to. Lightly, he rests his forehead along the line of his jaw. ]

Do you understand? [ It's mumbled, soft. ] As long as we-- I won't leave you, Dean.

[ Ever. He never has. ]

[ but everyone leaves me.

dean smothers the words, instead lets himself soak in what cas is telling him with that soft firmness. there will always be that part in him, the self-hating, darkness that won't let himself believe in the simplest words, the good that he could have if he only allowed it for himself. and this, too, threatens to be too much, too fast.

too important. yet he'd let the words slip, the truth slip of what he fears so much. ]

I-- yes.

[ a breath, and dean draws back, just enough to look at him. ]

Thank you.

[ his hand slides up, high until it's burying into castiel's hair, fingers disappearing into threads of thick, black hair. cradling his skull, keeping him there, dean's mouth is on cas' a moment later. it's calm and controlled, yet there's a desperate note in the way dean presses into it, deepens the kiss almost immediately-- like he needs this right now, needs to feel it, taste it.

confirm it. ]

[ Not everyone.

And he wants to make sure that yes isn't just some automatic response, trying to lean back again to see his face. Yet, there are hands pressing to his head, sifting through his hair and holding him still. Precious, careful, and it's really-- It's still surprising to feel the weight of his lips, the taste of his mouth like it's normal. Like they've always been doing this. More kisses in the span of forty-eight hours than he can count since that first time in the dark...

He's only passive for a moment, letting the shift and slide of it overtake him before he reacts. His palms bear down lightly on Dean's shoulders, stretching up to give him what he wants and take what he needs. Castiel bites at his bottom lip, touches his tongue to the spot to soothe it.

It's a breathy sort of kiss by the time he realizes it, still firm but gentle. The quietest sort of promise he can give him. ]

You-- [ don't have to.

There is no thanks in this, no thanks for what he's freely offering up. In his own way, perhaps it's trying to reconcile all the wrong he's done since he'd disregarded Heaven and stayed behind in a dying world. Perhaps it's just Castiel being selfish. One in the same, eventually, and he kisses the corner of his mouth. ] I'm always here for you.

[ And that's all he can promise. ]

[ dean's pressing deeper into the kiss, even more so than before, licking the very words from cas' mouth. he doesn't let gentle linger for long, goes for something hungrier in seconds. those words, they keep sparking something in him, something warm and wanting and-- something he hasn't felt in so long.

something he only feels with cas these days.

it's almost terrifying. ]

Thank you, thank you--

[ to the side of his mouth, bitten into his bottom lip, licked into his mouth. dean presses the words against cas' skin over and over, mumbles them between breaths as he kisses him again and again, deeper with each taste. for cas to promise something like that means he has to promise care for his own life. and that's what dean wants, he needs to know cas will be there tomorrow, like he says he will be, that dean won't have to worry about his friend doing something moronic in the future.

so he kisses his thank yous because it's the only way he knows. kisses each one into a new place, to the angle of his jaw, to the slope of his neck. he even dips down, bites it into cas' collar, desperate for him to understand how much that promise means to him. ]

--thank you.

[ please don't let me down.

please don't, because he needs you. ]

[ It almost hurts.

Each little touch, every kiss and all the words whispered into his skin burn down into his chest and settle hard in his belly like a weight he just can't lift. It's suffocating and stings. Or maybe that's the drag of teeth along his collarbone. He isn't quite certain which, shutting out the world and clutching at him in his own desperate attempt to hold him close. Why this is so different than anything he's ever experienced is difficult to describe. There are no words, only action and reaction. ]

Dean...

[ Castiel almost trips over the word, breathless when his hands slip from those shoulders and slide between them. He grips at the front of his clothes again, yanking and pulling and taking a step back. After last night, after today and everything, he just needs to be close to him. Because Castiel craves that affection, the lack of proximity and the urgency of knowing the silence in his head can be overwritten. He wants, but--

But.

His breaths are heavy, eyes still closed tight, and his mouth hovers over Dean's, noses touching as he waits to wake up. Waits for this to stop being real, waits for Dean to kiss him again so he doesn't have to. ]

[ dean hasn't let himself get lost in anything for a long, long time. this thing happening between them, it's the first time in ages, growing into something he wants to just sink into. the warmth of cas' mouth, the slide of tongues and taste which fills his senses lights his body on fire in a way he'd thought himself incapable of for a while now.

it has him licking the soft breath of his name right from cas' lips, covering his mouth with his own, biting into it.

and when he's marking his way down his skin, biting and licking, he loses track of time. only the simple echo of thank you rings through his head, each one punctuated into castiel's neck, collar...

all until he's nose to nose with his friend, breathing hard and skin flushed. the shape of his mouth finds castiel's cheek, suddenly light, then the side of his face...

much like the fire, the gentleness is something he thought had died with sam all those years ago. ]

Yeah?

[ pressed to his forehead, then down to the corner of his mouth. ]

[ i'm glad you're here

i don't know what i would do if you weren't

... i can't do this without you

He's silent for a long time, thinking so many of those things and saying nothing at all in response. Castiel lets Dean take what he wants from him, incredibly pliant beneath his mouth and hands. Normally, he's much more interactive, but there's something almost sweet about the attention Dean is giving him. Each bite and kiss and lick-- He doesn't want to let go of any of that. He wants to take it and keep it for himself.

Slowly, he blinks his eyes open with the softness, and the warmth that settles in his chest is abrupt and welcome both. A slight tilt of his head, lifting a hand to settle just below the bandage that'd been forgotten. ]

Your arm. [ How is it? ]

[ dean hasn't had much time to just be, to just kiss someone who is willing, pliant, and warm underneath his hands and mouth. it's a nice change, something he wouldn't mind getting used to again.

you can't his mind whispers, you'll only lose him.

dean smothers the voice for now, breathing in cas' words and then huffs something of an amused sound. ]

Hasn't fallen off yet.

[ that's good, right? ]

[ He takes that sound and replies with one of his own, gently nudging their noses together before tilting in to graze his lips against Dean's. It's soft, barely a breath of a kiss. Maybe he should be concerned that this is fine now, that all of this seems to be okay. They argue and end up here.

End up-- ]

Good. [ Another gentle touch of his mouth, and he draws away enough to meet his eyes. ] You can let me look at it then.

[ And maybe he'll reward him for it too. But he doesn't offer that just yet, watching him quietly. ]

[ dean could just keep receiving kisses, pressing his own back for a while longer, but then cas is pulling back and he's reminded of the wound, the way it's aching again thanks to their argument.

dean gives something of a sigh at the request, but then offers his arm, the bandages there dark in color. ]

Stubborn.

[ he could easily take care of it himself, like he has with past wounds many times before. but there's something here, the trust between them that he doesn't want to shatter. and one argument is enough for the day. ]

[ There's only a look that says as much. Like it's really so new to either of them that Castiel is too stubborn for his own good. Part of it, he suspects, had been picked up from Dean himself so long ago, and the rest-- Well, it's enough for now to think the other part.

He gets to work peeling off the bandage and checking the stitches. They've held, which is better than he'd expected from Dean's own stubbornness, and he's even quicker at cleaning up the excess blood and binding it again. Most of the things he's left on the floor except the few items he'd collected to use, and he doubts they're going to find their way back into the box until much later. ]

So are you. [ Finished now, he looks at him again as he settles his fingers just beneath the injury. ] Be more careful.

[ He'll repeat it until he actually learns to listen. ]

[ dean remains quiet as castiel works, only watching. those long, lean fingers work with firmness and certainty of someone who has done with many times before. it's efficient, and dean can't help the quiet, thankful burst of warmth he feels somewhere inside of him.

once done, once those fingers settle on him, dean cracks something of a smirk at cas as his hand comes to cover the one on his arm. ]

Maybe someday.

[ careful doesn't get anything done though. ]

Someday soon.

[ He tacks on the word without a hint of modesty, reaffirming it with a gentle squeeze to his arm. There's a flutter of something strange at the added pressure of Dean's hand atop his, and not for the first time, Castiel craves the ability to ease his pain. To take that suffering and give him more than he's gotten in the past several years.

It's only a flicker of emotion across his face, and then, he's smiling at him where there's that smirk, head dropping a little in an attempt to hide it. ]

... thanks. [ For being here, for listening to him despite not really hearing. For letting him take care of him. Anything he can be grateful for. ]

[ dean can't promise soon, but he does huff a quiet, pleased sound.

the thanks throws him again though, as he's not entirely sure what it's for, why he deserves it. for a moment dean is silent, mulling over the possibilities, but eventually he just lets it go with a quiet; ]

So odd.

[ it's almost fond, all the same. he should be the one thanking cas, again, for patching him up, for not walking away despite the argument... and yet, as usual, it's cas who does the unexpected. ]

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