[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]
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Date: 2014-03-10 05:27 am (UTC)[ Except he hasn't, and the words just sit on his tongue like they should have never been there in the first place. He doesn't have any excuses to give, doesn't have the strength to argue all the points Dean throws at him without sounding as if he's defending his reasoning. Castiel thinks they can do better than kill Lucifer and stay trapped in that endless loop of dying and coming back. He knows they're smarter than that, but Dean's hatred blinds him to it. Now he's suffering for a mistake that he hadn't intended to be a mistake at all. Now he's just... empty.
And angry.
The accusation steals his breath, and despite the dark, he's glaring right at him. He takes a step closer, hands curling tight to his side. ]
You have no right to say that to me. [ He's shaking now, trembling so hard it feels like his teeth are rattling inside his head. ] If I had wanted to side with Lucifer, I would have left you years ago. I wouldn't have wasted my grace on our mission. I wouldn't have--
[ He has to take a breath. ]
I'm telling you because we have the advantage now. He's distracted enough not to see me as a threat. We could end it on our terms. [ Which causes him to pause, but briefly. ] ... I wanted to start over.
[ With this place, with Dean. With whatever mission they had now. He'd selfishly wanted that, and there's really nothing more to it. ]